Eagle Update

So if you have been following along, you know I was out of the country for the last 6 days, for work. Specifically to Eagle - this is how the last 6 days played out:

Saturday - April 12th:
I didn't text or contact him before I left, totally proud of myself

Sunday - April 13th:
Spent the day with one of my best friends - a million things either reminded me of him or there were a million things I was dying to share with him - i did mention he's become like my "best friend", right?! It was hard not to be able to pick up the phone or text him everything I was experiencing.

Monday - April 14th:
I gave in - sent him an email asking how much money he had won gambling while he was at his bachelor party this past weekend and shared some stories from my trip so far. He wrote back, of course, and we exchanged a bunch of emails all day. I was telling him a cute story about my friend's 2 year old from the day before and he wrote "It seems like you have a bunch of 2 year olds in your life...hum, interesting". To which my response was that our friends were just in different stages of their lives - that most of my friends already had their 2nd kid or would by next year! I also told him I was surrounded by 2 year olds and it makes me realize how much I love them and look forward to little me's =) Might as well be honest, right?!

Tuesday - April 15th:
Emails continued back and forth. In one of my emails, I called him "dude" and he was like what? I asked him if he preferred "bud" (my subtle, stupid way of hinting...something?). His answer was "king, you can call me that" - haha, right. Then I told him, in all seriousness, that he didn't have to write back to my emails - that I was writing to him because I felt like it and he could write when/if he wanted to. He said I was making him feel bad (not sure if he really meant that but I (think I) meant what I said). Anyway he did end up writing me a pretty long email later in the day - it was actually really nice to get a long email and he caught me up on some stuff going on in his life and ended it with "more to come later" - yes, stupid little things like that make me happy because I read into everything. I was really happy for him (something he wrote me about) and used that as a reason to call him - got his voicemail and left a message. Then emailed a pretty long email back to his from earlier in the day...

Wednesday - April 16th:
One of his emails to me that morning started with "Hey Babe" --- I don't get that often, but when I do I just love it!!! I feel like whenever he uses "babe" with me, its a day that he's really into me. I emailed him later to kick ass in his pool game at night to which I got another "Thanks Babe". Wow, 2 in one day! We actually talked that night on the phone for an hour (at $1/minute!). He was a little drunk, and talking a mile a minute! It was cute, he was excitedly telling me about his pool game and he even wore this t-shirt I had given him to the game. Now I am REALLY thinking he's into me today - yeah!! Why can't everyday be like this?! Hmm. And then he goes on to tell me details about the bachelor party he went to the weekend before - let's just say one of his best friends, his name for our purposes, and in my head, is "Hefner". I mean everytime I hear stories about Hefner he is just partying it up (you can make your own conclusions based on the name I am giving him). So yeah, not thrilled this is who Eagle hangs out with all the time - people usually aren't too different than their closest friends. Eagle did end up hanging out with his family on Sunday and sounded so happy about it - that part I love about him - the family side of him. Anyway after he was done telling me all his stories, I caught him up on what was new with me - it was a really nice conversation actually, both of us really animated. I told him I was going to be in NJ on Monday for work and asked if he wanted to get together for dinner - he had plans but said he would change them (yeah - afterall I kinda made this meeting happen in his area because I wanted to see him).

After we got off the phone, in the middle of the night, I sent him another really long email. I guess I was just thinking how much he loves to party (still) and how much I want to settle down. So my email - I told him I realize that he told me he was really busy this month (all weekends in April) and that we still have seen each other only because I happen to be in his area (which between us, I never really happened to be in his area but made it a point be there). I went on to tell him how I thought last Wednesday when I went to his pool game with him was once of the nicest times I've had with him in some time - and that all the butterflies going crazy in my stomach made me realize that even though I wasn't attached to the idea of "us" anymore, how much I really do like him. I then went on to tell him the truth was though that even if by some miracle he wanted us to be togehter exclusively, my answer to him today would be no. I told him this quote someone shared with me "Never make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs" and told him if he really wanted to be with me, it would take a hell of a lot to convince me - because at this point I just don't believe it. I told him everyday I realize how much we want different things in my life and that I'm starting to get that others want what I want too (my again, subtle, stupid way of telling him I was seeing other people). I did go on to say that the shitty part of the whole thing is that I do feel like he & I complete each other but its all about timing. So the email went on, said some stuff about how much I love having him in my life and the thought of him not in it made me really sad and that I wish we could have talked more but since we couldn't I was just babbling away in this email about this strange relationship we had - intricate and baffling as it is. I signed it "your #1 fan" which is sometimes what I tell him I am (started using it when he was nervous about interviewing for a job and every once in awhile I throw it out there - this time I did because I felt like I had said some heavy stuff and wanted to balance it by letting him know I still like him).

So that was it - I felt good when I went to bed - realizing that maybe, just maybe, Eagle & I are in two different places and somehow all of this was going to make it easier for me to move on...

Thursday - April 17th:
He emailed me back. He said it was nice (or a bit crazy in a good way) for me to write all this in the middle of the night. He said I was right - things progressed because of me and in spite of him - that we would email/text/talk more sporadically if it wasn't for me. He then said he had instantaneously changed his plans for Monday to have dinner with me because I was going to be in town - he said if I had been more local he wouldn't have. (hmmm, ok not liking that part!!) He said he didnt want any of this to be a point of contention (not really sure what he meant by that) but that he was really busy and if I hadn't noticed, I was even busier! He went on to say that he's not great at phone or email but has put in his best effort. He said making an effort with so many distractions (all the other things he has going on in his life) makes him realize how much he really enjoys having me in his life too. He ended it by saying "though the 'question' of where is this baffling/strange relationship going will need to be addressed...I guess when there is time" and he said maybe this was something for conversation on Monday. And that we also needed to chat about the "#1 fan" thing at some point too.

Okay - so wasn't really sure what to make of any of that?! I wrote back saying that I did appreciate all the effort he makes (phone/emails/changing plans) and that he & I both wouldn't be doing this for "just anyone". I told him I also wasn't sure what we needed to talk about - I thought it was clear that if something came of this, great, if not - no harm done. And that I was sad if what he meant was that we shouldn't be such a big part of each other's lives anymore.
He responded not be sad - that he didn't think we would ever be out of each other's lives - that we were too similar, in an odd sort of way. He also said he would not be the one asking where this was going because its not his personality (ummm, hello....is it me or did he not just say we would have to address it at some point?!). Anyway he told me not be sad, just happy.

Man, I am all kinds of confused! Wed night I was feeling confident, that maybe this wasn't for me. But now that Eagle is being all wierd, that just makes me want him (to want me)! Soooo...we talk again on Thursday night. It was really late actually, I told him I was dying to share something with him (my excuse to talk to him, to make sure everything was okay between us). I told him how I found out that day that they were going to offer me a 4 month position in India at work - he was like wow, that's awesome! I told him I couldn't take it - that I had different priorities right now and career wasn't #1. He kind of told me I was giving up an opportunity of a lifetime (especially since this is something I have wanted) - I told him it was all timing, if this had been next year, I would take it. He said why - why next year is it ok? I said because by then things will be different. And then I was like hey - you are suppose to be my supportive friend! So he was like look, its actually quite noble that you know what you want and where your priorities are. Hmmm, ok. Anyway we talked for over an hour - and I don't know - after we talked about the work stuff - everything else - either he was really tired or something was just off. He told me he hadn't had a great day at work and had some other stuff he was dealing with. So stupid me, who knows better, was like hey - why don't you like that I say I'm your #1 fan? He was like we'll talk about all this later. When I asked again he said look, its just me, okay? Hmm....WHAT does that mean?!! When we got off the phone - like I said, not sure if he was just really tired (it was 2am!) or if its more? I'm thinking its more =(

I don't get it - until Wednesday night, things were so great?!! At least I thought so - and yes, "great" meaning "fine" - not that anything was moving/progressing...But I'm glad I sent that email late Wed night - I had to be honest, right?!!

Friday - April 18th:
I was leaving to come back to the states. I sent Eagle an email in the early morning and thanked him for staying on the phone so late even though he was so tired.

When I got back home, I found out that upper management wants to meet with me first thing Monday morning about the India position -yikes! So I used this, again, as an excuse to call him. I know what you are all thinking - girl, stop it!!!!! I know, I know. So I called him at work and he picked up the phone, laughing at something. I told him what was going on, we talked for like 2 minutes and I kinda felt this wierd vibe so I got off the phone.

Eagle & Hefner are going out of town for the weekend for a friend's birthday. They are going to stop by a casino on their way (yes, Hefner's idea - but of course Eagle was all over it). I thought if things were "okay" he would text me from the casino to tell me how much he's up or down - like he has everytime over the past few months. But no text. Hmmm...I'm thinking he needs some space. Fine - no more contact from me this weekend.

Saturday, April 19th:
I had the wierdest dream last night about Eagle - that he had invited me over his house. His mom and family were all being really nice to me and he basically ignored me. At one point he even said "I don't need a wifey around" and I was like I'm not trying to be your wife. Then he later comes and tells me that he knows he hasn't been really nice to me and he was sorry.

Interesting. I think between my email that basically said I really want different things in my life right now and letting him know I wasn't going to take the India position because my personal life was my first priority - has maybe also put things in perspective for him? Maybe its all scared him? I'm glad I was so honest, come what may. But why, then, am I so sad today =(