Revelations...

I saw the Indian movie today "Jaane Tu...Ya Jaane Na" - about this guy and girl who are best friends and swear they are not in love. They have the cutest relationship...and eventually it takes dating other people, and it not working out, for them to realize how much they love each other. We all know I make everything around me about my life as usual! Like in that movie Kuch Kuch Hota Hai that came out in the 90's- for those that have seen it - it reminded me of the guy I dated in college. Not the actual storyline - but the fact that he goes on and gets married and years go by and she doesn't. He has a kid and when the kids like 8, the wife dies. And eventually the 2 of them get together. Now before you think I'm crazy - I never wanted the guy who I dated in college - his wife to die!!! It was just the overall storyline of her being single for a really long time afer and them eventually getting back together. Of course that never crosses my mind now when I see the movie - it was just when it came out because it was relevant then. So anyway, now here I am watching this movie, remembering Eagle...the only real male "best friend" I feel like I've ever had. Not so much the whole maybe one day we'll end up together bit (ok, it did cross my mind) - but more so about the friendship they shared in the movie.

I came home and emailed him - nothing sappy, just a few sentences saying how this movie reminded me of the friendship we had had and that I was happy and hoped he was too...and a few thing along those lines (no need for all the details), nothing super serious.

Well, after I sent the email (of course its after - otherwise where would all the drama from my life come from???!!) I decided to click back on that link where he posts all his pictures online. He hadn't logged into the shaadi website for days until a few days ago so it had me wondering if he had gone on another trip. Well I dont think Eagle realizes that everyone can see all the pictures he posts (not just the link he sends them) because he had 2 sets of pictures posted from a recent trip ----- one without people in it ---- and the other with him and that girl he was telling me about the last night I spoke to him on the phone - the one he seemed really into. 448 pictures in that one album(!)...and I looked at almost all of them. pictures of them driving in the car together, at the beach, at restaurants, in a vineyard or something like that, on a sailboat, in their hotel room, etc. etc. etc. she is skinny, just like he told me he likes them. i didnt think she was all that but well, ok, i have to admit, she does look pretty in some of the pictures, dresses nice and they both seemed happy. enough pictures with their arms around each other so i guess so!

I sent a one sentence email follow-up to Eagle that said "P.S. totally forgot to say glad things worked out for you =)" he'll wonder what i mean or how i know, but thank God i hadnt written anything sappy at all in my email - so this totally made sense! It was the best i could do to make it all super casual after seeing those pics.

Eagle had said she was moving in August or so, not that far but she didnt want long distance - is this his summer fling? When there's feelings involved distance doesnt always matter I would think. Or maybe it does - why else is he still logging into shaadi?? Who knows. I can't really say I'm sad. Surprised - yes. Wish it was me? Maybe. Feeling sick to my stomach like I wasnt pretty enough - most definetly. Frustrated that I'm not doing the same things with someone thats really into me - absolutely.

The part that gets me is that these past 2 months I have been trying my hardest to move on and put all this behind me, and he's been vacationing around with his "girlfriend". I didnt expect him to have to get over me at all - he was never into me. I guess I just wished that on some level, he missed me too. I guess he never had time to do that either since he's completely preoccupied with this girl. Anyway, its good to have these images plastered all over my brain for awhile - i've been doing a pretty good job trying to move on, this was the final push. It's still going to be hard to not think of Eagle when I see "best friend" movies like I did tonight, not until someone else can take that place...but I have a feeling after today, he's not going to be the person that keeps popping into my mind. I think I'm going to revert back to that guy without a face... the one I've been waiting for.....the one that's finally going to love me, and only me....