I first realized this last Saturday night when my sister-in-law and I were talking. She said something that completely took me by surprise, yet I knew there was truth in it. She said she had figured out why it was hard for me to meet someone - that I was the type of person that guys wouldn't be able to get to know after just meeting me once. I stopped in my tracks - me, really? The person who used to be so free-spirited, uninhibited, who loved life and everything about it. The person that guys were attracted to immediately upon meeting. I started wondering - I had choosen the perfect shaadi.com name that truly captured who I was when I had first joined....does that name even define me now? The reality is that after years of disappointment and not being able to meet someone, I've lost myself in the process.
As I started thinking more about this, I had conversations with 2 of my other friends that used to know me before my entire life centered around finding my guy. My one friend has even acknowledged over the years how much she has watched me change. It was bound to effect me, I just don't think I ever stopped to notice how much.
And last night, in the first few hours of 2009, after the party ended and the guests had left, my girlfriend's kid put to bed and her husband gone upstairs, my girlfriend and I sat in her family room until almost 6am just talking. Friend therapy, nothing will ever beat it! And with her help, I discovered even more about myself.
I realized in the past 5-8 years, I can count on one hand how many times I felt like "myself". I listed some of them to her - my one trip to South America, being around my female cousin on my mom's side, the time I spent with Eagle. She made me find the common thread...and I realized on that trip I was so unbelievably "free" - not with anyone I knew that I was close with, no real access to the world, no time to worry about finding that guy or even talking about finding him. I was me, just me, and man I had the time of my life. I realize how important laughter is since I don't do it so openly anymore - and on that trip I laughed and made everyone around me laugh for days. Our driver told me he meets hundreds of people a year, but me, and how crazy I am, that he will never forget. My cousin - one of the most free spirited people I know. I realize that I don't really dance anymore and the only time I really enjoy dancing and can really let go is if she's there. She never allows me to dwell in my sorrow, she just has a way of pulling me out of it and enjoying the moment we're in. And Eagle. I finally feel like I have some closure. I finally realized what it was about him that had me so hung up on him. It was that he was one of the few people in years that has been able to bring out the real me. I go back to laughter - I laughed, really laughed, everyday that I talked to him. It was how uninhibited and happy he was as a person that I think it allowed me to become that way around him too. I felt adventurous again and spontaneous and carefree. And then my girlfriend & I talked about when we had first met 9 years ago, how we had been so attracted to each other because we were both so similar, so full of life, we quickly became the closest of friends creating crazy adventures together....and I told her she hasn't changed after all these years, her spirit and who she is as a person is still in tact and its why I still enjoy so much being around her, but me? Where did I go?
These days it feels like I just go through the motions of the day, I'm living but I'm not alive.
I remember watching Jab We Met and relating so much to Kareena Kapoor's character - I saw me in every aspect - the crazy out there girl who loved life, laughed at everything, loved everyone and everything around her, talked non-stop for hours and gave everything 150%. I watched that entire movie thinking wow, its like someone followed me around, took note of how I am, and then projected it on screen. That's how I still think of myself in my head. It's apparent that that is no longer me, that somewhere along the way my spirit was crushed and I've become almost lifeless compared to how I was. Coincidently, the same thing happens to Kareena Kapoor's character in this movie - and it completey changes her, a 180. By the end of the movie, she's back to herself, but as I watched her journey to get there I could so relate to her pain.
We all make new year's resolutions, most that we end up breaking in a few weeks or few months time. I have to stick to mine because this year my resolution is to find myself again. I want to be me again and be happy, carefree, free-spirited and uninhibited. I want to enjoy life again. I want to squeal with excitement and laugh from my core. I know its not going to be easy. But I now recognize how unhappy I am with what's become of me, of what's left of me. I can no longer live with such a crushed spirit.
I want to feel alive.
3 comments:
I've read several of your posts, but was quite moved by your latest entry. What you are dealing with is something that very few people understand; I can't even say I am or have been where you are, but can certainly appreciate what you are going through - isolation, uncertainty, and sadness, among other things. This shouldn't be something that results in such tremendous angst but soon enough, it becomes all too engulfing. Your New Years resolution is as noble as it is important. While it's easier said than done, don't get yourself lost inside all of this. I am happy that you have friends who are there for you, maybe the best life preservers one can have when navigating these channels.
A lot of what you write are shared emotions, I suspect, by others, though not outwardly so. Happiness for others tinged with sadness for oneself, watching others' lives move on while your own remains still. Bear in mind, you are not alone in this.
Read all your entries...was touched by your last entry. I think its one of your most positive entries. I am also a single brown girl and I know many others. Just to let you know that you are not alone. Good luck with your new years resolution! Will be back to read more :)
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