It's the only thing I can think of...will I really be last? On my mom's side of the family, I am the oldest amongst my cousins. My younger brother was the first to get married (his 6 year anniversary is approaching - I can't believe it - every year of their anniversary is a reminder to me of how many years have gone by that I have been single). Then a couple of my cousins followed. I looked at who was left amongst all of my cousins and figured with the age gaps - the next cousins being more than 5 years younger than me, I HAD to be next. I kept thinking please, please let me be next.
Well 3 of the 4 cousins that are still single are all in their mid to late 20's and guess what? They aren't so young anymore. Some are dating someone seriously, some are dating, and some who knows. All I know is that it is likely that there may be weddings before mine. The likelihood of that for some reason gives me that pit in your stomach feeling. Will I really be last?! Will I be big enough to put my personal feelings aside, once again, to be happy for those that mean so much to me in my life and truly and selflessly be able to celebrate with them? Will I be able to smile for them and get away without anyone noticing the sadness in my own eyes?
My hormones are on overdrive at the moment (gotta love being a woman) so I know that all of this may not hold 100% true a week from now. But for some reason tonight, right now, I can't stop wondering if I will be last. Why me? I feel like I'm a good person and aren't good things suppose to happen to good people? I know every once in awhile (sometimes more than I'd like) I get really angry at people or yell in situations where even I realize it wasn't necessary. Sometimes its just frustration with life finding its way out and I feel so bad/guilty afterwards because I know it stems from the feeling of a lack of control. But for the most part, on most days, I think I'm a good person that tries really hard with my family and close friends. So why me? I don't want to be last. I've waited so long, wanted for so long. I've gone to everyone's weddings and house warmings and baby showers and first birthday parties and gotten excited about 2nd pregnancies - its time - I want to be next. I don't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of missing out on the life that everyone around me seems to enjoy so effortlessly. I have so much love to give. So much. So tell me, why has it been so hard? When am I finally going to find someone who will love me?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Surinder Sahni
If you've seen Shah Rukh Khan's movie Rab Ne Bani De Jodi then you recognize who "Surinder Sahni" is and what the guy was like that I met on this date and I don't need to say anymore. If you have not seen it, read on...
So I "meet" this guy online. We have barely exchanged any emails and we decide to meet up. Turns out he lives a few hours from the city but would come there on a weekend. He asks me if I wanted to go to the Met or see a movie, do lunch. Hmmm...since it was Sunday I was thinking maybe just meet over lunch and call it a day but since he was going to drive so far to meet up I figured I might have to do a little more than that. I talked to him briefly on the phone and couldn't tell if he had an Indian accent, British accent, or some accent. It was light, but there was something there. I had seen his picture (face only) and he looked kinda cute (ok, well he wasn't unattractive and my goal is to meet as many people as I can). We agreed to meet at the Met.
I took a train into NY and the Met is actually quite far from where I was. I ended up getting their late and was feeling bad as I walked towards the staircase that led to the museum. I didn't see anyone near the stairs so I started walking up the stairs in case he was waiting for me inside. Then I notice this guy, and he looks over. He is standing there with these dark olive cordorouy pants on, white sneakers, and believe it or not - he had on beige ear muffs!! It was 50 degrees outside! He comes towards me and I was like wow, is this really him? We say hi and he starts walking towards the museum entrance --- not wanting to commit to walking around with him for that many hours, I ask if he's had lunch (I was starving!). He hadn't and we make our way to a Thai restaurant. I find out that his parents live in NY and its where he grew up - he had come in last night...that made me feel better - that he hadn't driven a lot of hours to come in today and drive back again today.
We got to the restaurant after a few minutes walk. I just stared for a minute - as 'Surinder' took off his earmuffs and then his coat - on top of his dark olive pants he was wearing a flourescent green shirt and a yellow sweater on top of the shirt. Wow. Wow.
After trying hard not to randomly smile, I realize that Surinder is actually a really sweet guy. He ate vegetarian with me (always super sweet when a guy does that) and served me my food as it came. Conversation was fine. I texted my cousin who happened to be in the city to tell him to please let me know when he was leaving so I could catch a ride back with him (the sooner the better I'm thinking). Surinder was interested in going to see a movie (or something) after lunch but I told him I couldn't give up a ride back home, especially since it meant not having to take a bunch of trains! I did have some time so we decided to go get some coffee. I learned that he's been in the U.S. for 15 years but felt lost - neither Indian or American. Some of his views were very Indian though if you ask me - like he said if he met a girl from India his expectations were that she never have been in a relationship (however if she was from America he accepted that he would never find that). He did think he would relate more to someone from America. Then he shared these other stories and how his friends keep telling him to sort of wake up and smell the coffee (in terms of his expectations). Oh, and he's never had a girlfriend. Sorry, all of that combined, definetly not for me.
I did have to catch one train to go meet my cousin. Surinder was very sweet and waited with me on the platform until my train came. When I insisted he didn't have to, he said why do you not want to spend time with me? This will give us more time to hang out together. Sweet. Very sweet. Sigh. Now if only I can find a guy that behaves like that that I am actually interested in!
So I "meet" this guy online. We have barely exchanged any emails and we decide to meet up. Turns out he lives a few hours from the city but would come there on a weekend. He asks me if I wanted to go to the Met or see a movie, do lunch. Hmmm...since it was Sunday I was thinking maybe just meet over lunch and call it a day but since he was going to drive so far to meet up I figured I might have to do a little more than that. I talked to him briefly on the phone and couldn't tell if he had an Indian accent, British accent, or some accent. It was light, but there was something there. I had seen his picture (face only) and he looked kinda cute (ok, well he wasn't unattractive and my goal is to meet as many people as I can). We agreed to meet at the Met.
I took a train into NY and the Met is actually quite far from where I was. I ended up getting their late and was feeling bad as I walked towards the staircase that led to the museum. I didn't see anyone near the stairs so I started walking up the stairs in case he was waiting for me inside. Then I notice this guy, and he looks over. He is standing there with these dark olive cordorouy pants on, white sneakers, and believe it or not - he had on beige ear muffs!! It was 50 degrees outside! He comes towards me and I was like wow, is this really him? We say hi and he starts walking towards the museum entrance --- not wanting to commit to walking around with him for that many hours, I ask if he's had lunch (I was starving!). He hadn't and we make our way to a Thai restaurant. I find out that his parents live in NY and its where he grew up - he had come in last night...that made me feel better - that he hadn't driven a lot of hours to come in today and drive back again today.
We got to the restaurant after a few minutes walk. I just stared for a minute - as 'Surinder' took off his earmuffs and then his coat - on top of his dark olive pants he was wearing a flourescent green shirt and a yellow sweater on top of the shirt. Wow. Wow.
After trying hard not to randomly smile, I realize that Surinder is actually a really sweet guy. He ate vegetarian with me (always super sweet when a guy does that) and served me my food as it came. Conversation was fine. I texted my cousin who happened to be in the city to tell him to please let me know when he was leaving so I could catch a ride back with him (the sooner the better I'm thinking). Surinder was interested in going to see a movie (or something) after lunch but I told him I couldn't give up a ride back home, especially since it meant not having to take a bunch of trains! I did have some time so we decided to go get some coffee. I learned that he's been in the U.S. for 15 years but felt lost - neither Indian or American. Some of his views were very Indian though if you ask me - like he said if he met a girl from India his expectations were that she never have been in a relationship (however if she was from America he accepted that he would never find that). He did think he would relate more to someone from America. Then he shared these other stories and how his friends keep telling him to sort of wake up and smell the coffee (in terms of his expectations). Oh, and he's never had a girlfriend. Sorry, all of that combined, definetly not for me.
I did have to catch one train to go meet my cousin. Surinder was very sweet and waited with me on the platform until my train came. When I insisted he didn't have to, he said why do you not want to spend time with me? This will give us more time to hang out together. Sweet. Very sweet. Sigh. Now if only I can find a guy that behaves like that that I am actually interested in!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Date #2 with The Indian Guy With An American Name
If you recall, my first date with The Indian Guy With An American Name was on December 11th. So yes, about 2 months have gone by since I last saw him. I had left that date unsure of what I was thinking but willing to go out again if the interest was there on his end.
The interest was there. He was away for the holidays in California I think and then for one reason or another we didn't end up meeting up. He did make an effort and contact me every once in awhile to see when we could get together. We finally found a date that worked for both of us. He was willing to come towards where I lived again which was nice. Especially since I didn't know how I was feeling and that whole thing of always feeling like I make the effort to go where the guy is is still bothering me, so I was glad he was going to come towards my area.
We met up at this sort of fast food Indian restaurant. I was a little surprised by the restaurant he chose (I don't think he'd been there before either) since it didnt feel like a second date kinda place and it made me wonder if he really was questioning me too. Or maybe he didn't know it was a fast food place. Anyway I was totally expecting the grab/kiss thing he did last time but managed to avoid it by the way I said hi. We sat down to have dinner and converstion was casual and flowed without too many silences (someone should give me an award for being able to make small talk! then again, unfortunately, i've had too much practice at this.) I was a little distracted during our conversation by the fact that one of his shirt buttons was unbuttoned :) Silly I know but my eyes kept going right to it! (The funny things you remember from a date). Anyway as we sat there, I realized that we really don't have a lot to talk about / in common. I ened up asking him questions from the first time we met and acted as if I didn't already know the answers. It became apparent to me that this really wasn't going to go anywhere...at least it didn't feel like it. He started telling me about how he's looking to buy a house and almost put an offer on one not too far from where we were - and described the indoor swimming pool this place had and the house overall - it sounded amazing. I just sat there thinking wow, I am meeting all of these super successful guys and yet nothing. No chemistry. No connection. Nothing in common. I would much rather be with someone less successful whom I had something in common with. I really am trying hard to keep an open mind but I really wonder if a guy raised in India & I will ever be a match?
Dinner was over and the waitress literally took another 30 minutes to come over with the check. I knew it wasn't a good sign on my end when I kept looking over my shoulder subconsciously hoping the waitress would get the point and come by with the check. I finally told Indian Guy with an American Name that it was getting late and I knew he had about an hour's drive home (even though it was only like 9pm!). We asked for the check and this time I couldn't avoid the hug/kiss thing. It was sweet actually.
We parted and each headed our own way, probably never to cross paths again...
The interest was there. He was away for the holidays in California I think and then for one reason or another we didn't end up meeting up. He did make an effort and contact me every once in awhile to see when we could get together. We finally found a date that worked for both of us. He was willing to come towards where I lived again which was nice. Especially since I didn't know how I was feeling and that whole thing of always feeling like I make the effort to go where the guy is is still bothering me, so I was glad he was going to come towards my area.
We met up at this sort of fast food Indian restaurant. I was a little surprised by the restaurant he chose (I don't think he'd been there before either) since it didnt feel like a second date kinda place and it made me wonder if he really was questioning me too. Or maybe he didn't know it was a fast food place. Anyway I was totally expecting the grab/kiss thing he did last time but managed to avoid it by the way I said hi. We sat down to have dinner and converstion was casual and flowed without too many silences (someone should give me an award for being able to make small talk! then again, unfortunately, i've had too much practice at this.) I was a little distracted during our conversation by the fact that one of his shirt buttons was unbuttoned :) Silly I know but my eyes kept going right to it! (The funny things you remember from a date). Anyway as we sat there, I realized that we really don't have a lot to talk about / in common. I ened up asking him questions from the first time we met and acted as if I didn't already know the answers. It became apparent to me that this really wasn't going to go anywhere...at least it didn't feel like it. He started telling me about how he's looking to buy a house and almost put an offer on one not too far from where we were - and described the indoor swimming pool this place had and the house overall - it sounded amazing. I just sat there thinking wow, I am meeting all of these super successful guys and yet nothing. No chemistry. No connection. Nothing in common. I would much rather be with someone less successful whom I had something in common with. I really am trying hard to keep an open mind but I really wonder if a guy raised in India & I will ever be a match?
Dinner was over and the waitress literally took another 30 minutes to come over with the check. I knew it wasn't a good sign on my end when I kept looking over my shoulder subconsciously hoping the waitress would get the point and come by with the check. I finally told Indian Guy with an American Name that it was getting late and I knew he had about an hour's drive home (even though it was only like 9pm!). We asked for the check and this time I couldn't avoid the hug/kiss thing. It was sweet actually.
We parted and each headed our own way, probably never to cross paths again...
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