With dating comes rejection - giving it and taking it. And taking it plain sucks.
Today I got an email from NJ Doc - not interested. Got this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach - why isn't he?? And then I tried to come up with a reason that would make me feel okay about it vs. wondering if I was too fat or not pretty enough. I finally settled on that he wants someone not vegetarian - yeah, that had to be it (though I highly doubt that is what it was). And then I reminded myself that he went out on a date with one of my friends years ago and she never heard from him again either. So maybe its just him, and not me.
Rejection is a bitch no matter how you look at it. It's so much easier (on me!) when I'm the one saying no. God, how many more of these moments of wondering if something is wrong with me will I have to go through before Mr. Right comes along?! I hope not many! Because on a good day, I do believe I'm a good catch...I'll just have to keep telling myself that...
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Marathon Dating
It's all in the numbers, right?! So I have to meet as many people as possible...and so I had 2 dates - that's 2 dates, today, Saturday April 26th! Talk about having to coordinate!! By the way, I have to share that I looked fabulous today. Now if you know me, you would never hear me saying that. But the stars were aligned somehow - maybe it was the dress I was wearing or how my hair looked - but guys were looking at me and waving when I was in my car and the looks continued when I was walking around. I am thinking that maybe finally, this is going to be a good day!!
Date #1: Juan Valdez
Okay, that's not his name - but that's where we went for coffee :) So this guy is a doctor (surprise, surprise). We made plans to meet at The Met in NYC, but I was late (as usual) and so we decided to go get some coffee and figure it out from there. He had plans for dinner (as did I!) so we were just going to hang out for a little bit. We walked to Times Square - which I did with a smile on my face but all I could think about was the heels I was wearing and how much pain I was going to be in later that night. We passed this Juan Valdez coffee shop and he wanted to know if I was okay with that - never really having been to one I asked if there was a Dunkin Donuts around or maybe a Starbucks. He said he wasn't a fan of Starbucks (neither am I really - but all I could think of was how Eagle would have had it no other way) and so we went to Juan Valdez to try it out. Now this guy I am there with - he was kinda balding but honestly, he had a nice face and I actually don't mind the bald look - some guys can pull it off. My initial impression was that he seemed a bit timid...though when there was no where for us to sit, he asked these girls that were taking up 2 tables to give us one of there's. Nice! I myself am too chicken to ever be so intrusive so I liked it.
We had a nice conversation over some coffee & hot chocolate. It was nice to actually hear someone talk seriously about where he wanted to settle down - "Juan" was thinking Baltimore where he did his training - but his only concern was the school system. Wow - this guys really thought things out! Anyway we chatted for awhile and then went to ESPN Zone across the street. I did beat him at my speciality game - and then he insisted on playing something else because he said I hurt his ego :) As we walked by the bar, some of the guys turned around and smiled. Something about this day is going to be good - I just know it!
That was really it for date #1 - I wasn't "wowed" by any means but I also wasn't walking away saying "no way"....I figured if I heard from him again I'd go out on a 2nd date, but if I didn't - no real loss either.
In Between Dates
I had about 2 hours to kill in between Juan & Date #2. So I walked (yes in my heels!) a good 10+ blocks to a Borders. I was on the phone with one of my friends that lives in the city - and she was giving me an earful on how much she wanted me to get Eagle out of my life. All I wanted to do was call Eagle tomorrow and make plans with him for dinner that night...until my friend made me go find the book He's Just Not That Into You. I couldn't find the actual book but I found the abridged version called Daily Wake-Up Call - that had soundbites/daily reminders of when a guy is just not into you. By the time I found it I only had 5 minutes to flip through it --- but I remember one thing it said --- even when you know a guy isn't into you, you keep him around because all the phone calls and seeing each once in awhile are things that feel good and get you through the moment - but they aren't going to get you through a lifetime. And I don't know - that just hit me really hard and I decided I can't call Eagle tomorrow and see if he wants to do dinner - I need to concentrate on bigger things.
Date #2: Gold Chain
Gold Chain and I were texting about where to meet and I told him I'd be the one in the dress, freezing :) He wrote back that he'd make sure to wear a jacket then so he could offer it to me. Cute! I was already looking forward to meeting him!
Before you start envisioning what this guy looked like - I might call him Gold Chain, but by no means is he one of those Indian guys from a gang! It's just the first thing I noticed about him - the open neck shirt, the chest hair, the gold chain - not bad things - just what I first noticed. Nice guy actually. He's a banker in NYC - well established I might add. He has this fabulous job and travels all over the world - it was quite interesting to hear about! He took me to this upscale restaurant for dinner - the food was delicious!! He also ordered us some really good wine - you would think by now I would know a little about wines - negative! But I have to admit, all these dates I go on - I have definetly seen the finer side of what the city has to offer :) I was the first "online" date that Gold Chain has been on, or so he said. Conversation was a bit strained - I felt like I had to keep it up most of the time. Thank God I'm a talker! Unfortunately, there really wasn't a lot of chemistry. I did catch him 'checking me out' a few times, that was nice I guess. He told me about the chef's kitchen in his condo he bought and then casually threw his platinum AMEX on the table and all I could think was well this guys got it all but I still don't like him - there, proof I'm not a gold digger! Haha :) After dinner we walked around a little - he gave me a tour of "his neighborhood" and that was it! Night over. Dinner was great, company was good - and I had a good time...but overall - nothing.
So 1 fabulous dress, 2 dates, and....nothing. UGH!!!! Why? Why? Why?? I spent the night at my cousin's place - who by the way lives on the 5th floor of his building. He tells me the elevator is broken so I somehow climb 5 flights of stairs in my heels (!!) just to find out he was playing around. Well - perfect ending for the night, huh?!!
Date #1: Juan Valdez
Okay, that's not his name - but that's where we went for coffee :) So this guy is a doctor (surprise, surprise). We made plans to meet at The Met in NYC, but I was late (as usual) and so we decided to go get some coffee and figure it out from there. He had plans for dinner (as did I!) so we were just going to hang out for a little bit. We walked to Times Square - which I did with a smile on my face but all I could think about was the heels I was wearing and how much pain I was going to be in later that night. We passed this Juan Valdez coffee shop and he wanted to know if I was okay with that - never really having been to one I asked if there was a Dunkin Donuts around or maybe a Starbucks. He said he wasn't a fan of Starbucks (neither am I really - but all I could think of was how Eagle would have had it no other way) and so we went to Juan Valdez to try it out. Now this guy I am there with - he was kinda balding but honestly, he had a nice face and I actually don't mind the bald look - some guys can pull it off. My initial impression was that he seemed a bit timid...though when there was no where for us to sit, he asked these girls that were taking up 2 tables to give us one of there's. Nice! I myself am too chicken to ever be so intrusive so I liked it.
We had a nice conversation over some coffee & hot chocolate. It was nice to actually hear someone talk seriously about where he wanted to settle down - "Juan" was thinking Baltimore where he did his training - but his only concern was the school system. Wow - this guys really thought things out! Anyway we chatted for awhile and then went to ESPN Zone across the street. I did beat him at my speciality game - and then he insisted on playing something else because he said I hurt his ego :) As we walked by the bar, some of the guys turned around and smiled. Something about this day is going to be good - I just know it!
That was really it for date #1 - I wasn't "wowed" by any means but I also wasn't walking away saying "no way"....I figured if I heard from him again I'd go out on a 2nd date, but if I didn't - no real loss either.
In Between Dates
I had about 2 hours to kill in between Juan & Date #2. So I walked (yes in my heels!) a good 10+ blocks to a Borders. I was on the phone with one of my friends that lives in the city - and she was giving me an earful on how much she wanted me to get Eagle out of my life. All I wanted to do was call Eagle tomorrow and make plans with him for dinner that night...until my friend made me go find the book He's Just Not That Into You. I couldn't find the actual book but I found the abridged version called Daily Wake-Up Call - that had soundbites/daily reminders of when a guy is just not into you. By the time I found it I only had 5 minutes to flip through it --- but I remember one thing it said --- even when you know a guy isn't into you, you keep him around because all the phone calls and seeing each once in awhile are things that feel good and get you through the moment - but they aren't going to get you through a lifetime. And I don't know - that just hit me really hard and I decided I can't call Eagle tomorrow and see if he wants to do dinner - I need to concentrate on bigger things.
Date #2: Gold Chain
Gold Chain and I were texting about where to meet and I told him I'd be the one in the dress, freezing :) He wrote back that he'd make sure to wear a jacket then so he could offer it to me. Cute! I was already looking forward to meeting him!
Before you start envisioning what this guy looked like - I might call him Gold Chain, but by no means is he one of those Indian guys from a gang! It's just the first thing I noticed about him - the open neck shirt, the chest hair, the gold chain - not bad things - just what I first noticed. Nice guy actually. He's a banker in NYC - well established I might add. He has this fabulous job and travels all over the world - it was quite interesting to hear about! He took me to this upscale restaurant for dinner - the food was delicious!! He also ordered us some really good wine - you would think by now I would know a little about wines - negative! But I have to admit, all these dates I go on - I have definetly seen the finer side of what the city has to offer :) I was the first "online" date that Gold Chain has been on, or so he said. Conversation was a bit strained - I felt like I had to keep it up most of the time. Thank God I'm a talker! Unfortunately, there really wasn't a lot of chemistry. I did catch him 'checking me out' a few times, that was nice I guess. He told me about the chef's kitchen in his condo he bought and then casually threw his platinum AMEX on the table and all I could think was well this guys got it all but I still don't like him - there, proof I'm not a gold digger! Haha :) After dinner we walked around a little - he gave me a tour of "his neighborhood" and that was it! Night over. Dinner was great, company was good - and I had a good time...but overall - nothing.
So 1 fabulous dress, 2 dates, and....nothing. UGH!!!! Why? Why? Why?? I spent the night at my cousin's place - who by the way lives on the 5th floor of his building. He tells me the elevator is broken so I somehow climb 5 flights of stairs in my heels (!!) just to find out he was playing around. Well - perfect ending for the night, huh?!!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Eagle Update
So if you have been following along, you know I was out of the country for the last 6 days, for work. Specifically to Eagle - this is how the last 6 days played out:
Saturday - April 12th:
I didn't text or contact him before I left, totally proud of myself
Sunday - April 13th:
Spent the day with one of my best friends - a million things either reminded me of him or there were a million things I was dying to share with him - i did mention he's become like my "best friend", right?! It was hard not to be able to pick up the phone or text him everything I was experiencing.
Monday - April 14th:
I gave in - sent him an email asking how much money he had won gambling while he was at his bachelor party this past weekend and shared some stories from my trip so far. He wrote back, of course, and we exchanged a bunch of emails all day. I was telling him a cute story about my friend's 2 year old from the day before and he wrote "It seems like you have a bunch of 2 year olds in your life...hum, interesting". To which my response was that our friends were just in different stages of their lives - that most of my friends already had their 2nd kid or would by next year! I also told him I was surrounded by 2 year olds and it makes me realize how much I love them and look forward to little me's =) Might as well be honest, right?!
Tuesday - April 15th:
Emails continued back and forth. In one of my emails, I called him "dude" and he was like what? I asked him if he preferred "bud" (my subtle, stupid way of hinting...something?). His answer was "king, you can call me that" - haha, right. Then I told him, in all seriousness, that he didn't have to write back to my emails - that I was writing to him because I felt like it and he could write when/if he wanted to. He said I was making him feel bad (not sure if he really meant that but I (think I) meant what I said). Anyway he did end up writing me a pretty long email later in the day - it was actually really nice to get a long email and he caught me up on some stuff going on in his life and ended it with "more to come later" - yes, stupid little things like that make me happy because I read into everything. I was really happy for him (something he wrote me about) and used that as a reason to call him - got his voicemail and left a message. Then emailed a pretty long email back to his from earlier in the day...
Wednesday - April 16th:
One of his emails to me that morning started with "Hey Babe" --- I don't get that often, but when I do I just love it!!! I feel like whenever he uses "babe" with me, its a day that he's really into me. I emailed him later to kick ass in his pool game at night to which I got another "Thanks Babe". Wow, 2 in one day! We actually talked that night on the phone for an hour (at $1/minute!). He was a little drunk, and talking a mile a minute! It was cute, he was excitedly telling me about his pool game and he even wore this t-shirt I had given him to the game. Now I am REALLY thinking he's into me today - yeah!! Why can't everyday be like this?! Hmm. And then he goes on to tell me details about the bachelor party he went to the weekend before - let's just say one of his best friends, his name for our purposes, and in my head, is "Hefner". I mean everytime I hear stories about Hefner he is just partying it up (you can make your own conclusions based on the name I am giving him). So yeah, not thrilled this is who Eagle hangs out with all the time - people usually aren't too different than their closest friends. Eagle did end up hanging out with his family on Sunday and sounded so happy about it - that part I love about him - the family side of him. Anyway after he was done telling me all his stories, I caught him up on what was new with me - it was a really nice conversation actually, both of us really animated. I told him I was going to be in NJ on Monday for work and asked if he wanted to get together for dinner - he had plans but said he would change them (yeah - afterall I kinda made this meeting happen in his area because I wanted to see him).
After we got off the phone, in the middle of the night, I sent him another really long email. I guess I was just thinking how much he loves to party (still) and how much I want to settle down. So my email - I told him I realize that he told me he was really busy this month (all weekends in April) and that we still have seen each other only because I happen to be in his area (which between us, I never really happened to be in his area but made it a point be there). I went on to tell him how I thought last Wednesday when I went to his pool game with him was once of the nicest times I've had with him in some time - and that all the butterflies going crazy in my stomach made me realize that even though I wasn't attached to the idea of "us" anymore, how much I really do like him. I then went on to tell him the truth was though that even if by some miracle he wanted us to be togehter exclusively, my answer to him today would be no. I told him this quote someone shared with me "Never make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs" and told him if he really wanted to be with me, it would take a hell of a lot to convince me - because at this point I just don't believe it. I told him everyday I realize how much we want different things in my life and that I'm starting to get that others want what I want too (my again, subtle, stupid way of telling him I was seeing other people). I did go on to say that the shitty part of the whole thing is that I do feel like he & I complete each other but its all about timing. So the email went on, said some stuff about how much I love having him in my life and the thought of him not in it made me really sad and that I wish we could have talked more but since we couldn't I was just babbling away in this email about this strange relationship we had - intricate and baffling as it is. I signed it "your #1 fan" which is sometimes what I tell him I am (started using it when he was nervous about interviewing for a job and every once in awhile I throw it out there - this time I did because I felt like I had said some heavy stuff and wanted to balance it by letting him know I still like him).
So that was it - I felt good when I went to bed - realizing that maybe, just maybe, Eagle & I are in two different places and somehow all of this was going to make it easier for me to move on...
Thursday - April 17th:
He emailed me back. He said it was nice (or a bit crazy in a good way) for me to write all this in the middle of the night. He said I was right - things progressed because of me and in spite of him - that we would email/text/talk more sporadically if it wasn't for me. He then said he had instantaneously changed his plans for Monday to have dinner with me because I was going to be in town - he said if I had been more local he wouldn't have. (hmmm, ok not liking that part!!) He said he didnt want any of this to be a point of contention (not really sure what he meant by that) but that he was really busy and if I hadn't noticed, I was even busier! He went on to say that he's not great at phone or email but has put in his best effort. He said making an effort with so many distractions (all the other things he has going on in his life) makes him realize how much he really enjoys having me in his life too. He ended it by saying "though the 'question' of where is this baffling/strange relationship going will need to be addressed...I guess when there is time" and he said maybe this was something for conversation on Monday. And that we also needed to chat about the "#1 fan" thing at some point too.
Okay - so wasn't really sure what to make of any of that?! I wrote back saying that I did appreciate all the effort he makes (phone/emails/changing plans) and that he & I both wouldn't be doing this for "just anyone". I told him I also wasn't sure what we needed to talk about - I thought it was clear that if something came of this, great, if not - no harm done. And that I was sad if what he meant was that we shouldn't be such a big part of each other's lives anymore.
He responded not be sad - that he didn't think we would ever be out of each other's lives - that we were too similar, in an odd sort of way. He also said he would not be the one asking where this was going because its not his personality (ummm, hello....is it me or did he not just say we would have to address it at some point?!). Anyway he told me not be sad, just happy.
Man, I am all kinds of confused! Wed night I was feeling confident, that maybe this wasn't for me. But now that Eagle is being all wierd, that just makes me want him (to want me)! Soooo...we talk again on Thursday night. It was really late actually, I told him I was dying to share something with him (my excuse to talk to him, to make sure everything was okay between us). I told him how I found out that day that they were going to offer me a 4 month position in India at work - he was like wow, that's awesome! I told him I couldn't take it - that I had different priorities right now and career wasn't #1. He kind of told me I was giving up an opportunity of a lifetime (especially since this is something I have wanted) - I told him it was all timing, if this had been next year, I would take it. He said why - why next year is it ok? I said because by then things will be different. And then I was like hey - you are suppose to be my supportive friend! So he was like look, its actually quite noble that you know what you want and where your priorities are. Hmmm, ok. Anyway we talked for over an hour - and I don't know - after we talked about the work stuff - everything else - either he was really tired or something was just off. He told me he hadn't had a great day at work and had some other stuff he was dealing with. So stupid me, who knows better, was like hey - why don't you like that I say I'm your #1 fan? He was like we'll talk about all this later. When I asked again he said look, its just me, okay? Hmm....WHAT does that mean?!! When we got off the phone - like I said, not sure if he was just really tired (it was 2am!) or if its more? I'm thinking its more =(
I don't get it - until Wednesday night, things were so great?!! At least I thought so - and yes, "great" meaning "fine" - not that anything was moving/progressing...But I'm glad I sent that email late Wed night - I had to be honest, right?!!
Friday - April 18th:
I was leaving to come back to the states. I sent Eagle an email in the early morning and thanked him for staying on the phone so late even though he was so tired.
When I got back home, I found out that upper management wants to meet with me first thing Monday morning about the India position -yikes! So I used this, again, as an excuse to call him. I know what you are all thinking - girl, stop it!!!!! I know, I know. So I called him at work and he picked up the phone, laughing at something. I told him what was going on, we talked for like 2 minutes and I kinda felt this wierd vibe so I got off the phone.
Eagle & Hefner are going out of town for the weekend for a friend's birthday. They are going to stop by a casino on their way (yes, Hefner's idea - but of course Eagle was all over it). I thought if things were "okay" he would text me from the casino to tell me how much he's up or down - like he has everytime over the past few months. But no text. Hmmm...I'm thinking he needs some space. Fine - no more contact from me this weekend.
Saturday, April 19th:
I had the wierdest dream last night about Eagle - that he had invited me over his house. His mom and family were all being really nice to me and he basically ignored me. At one point he even said "I don't need a wifey around" and I was like I'm not trying to be your wife. Then he later comes and tells me that he knows he hasn't been really nice to me and he was sorry.
Interesting. I think between my email that basically said I really want different things in my life right now and letting him know I wasn't going to take the India position because my personal life was my first priority - has maybe also put things in perspective for him? Maybe its all scared him? I'm glad I was so honest, come what may. But why, then, am I so sad today =(
Saturday - April 12th:
I didn't text or contact him before I left, totally proud of myself
Sunday - April 13th:
Spent the day with one of my best friends - a million things either reminded me of him or there were a million things I was dying to share with him - i did mention he's become like my "best friend", right?! It was hard not to be able to pick up the phone or text him everything I was experiencing.
Monday - April 14th:
I gave in - sent him an email asking how much money he had won gambling while he was at his bachelor party this past weekend and shared some stories from my trip so far. He wrote back, of course, and we exchanged a bunch of emails all day. I was telling him a cute story about my friend's 2 year old from the day before and he wrote "It seems like you have a bunch of 2 year olds in your life...hum, interesting". To which my response was that our friends were just in different stages of their lives - that most of my friends already had their 2nd kid or would by next year! I also told him I was surrounded by 2 year olds and it makes me realize how much I love them and look forward to little me's =) Might as well be honest, right?!
Tuesday - April 15th:
Emails continued back and forth. In one of my emails, I called him "dude" and he was like what? I asked him if he preferred "bud" (my subtle, stupid way of hinting...something?). His answer was "king, you can call me that" - haha, right. Then I told him, in all seriousness, that he didn't have to write back to my emails - that I was writing to him because I felt like it and he could write when/if he wanted to. He said I was making him feel bad (not sure if he really meant that but I (think I) meant what I said). Anyway he did end up writing me a pretty long email later in the day - it was actually really nice to get a long email and he caught me up on some stuff going on in his life and ended it with "more to come later" - yes, stupid little things like that make me happy because I read into everything. I was really happy for him (something he wrote me about) and used that as a reason to call him - got his voicemail and left a message. Then emailed a pretty long email back to his from earlier in the day...
Wednesday - April 16th:
One of his emails to me that morning started with "Hey Babe" --- I don't get that often, but when I do I just love it!!! I feel like whenever he uses "babe" with me, its a day that he's really into me. I emailed him later to kick ass in his pool game at night to which I got another "Thanks Babe". Wow, 2 in one day! We actually talked that night on the phone for an hour (at $1/minute!). He was a little drunk, and talking a mile a minute! It was cute, he was excitedly telling me about his pool game and he even wore this t-shirt I had given him to the game. Now I am REALLY thinking he's into me today - yeah!! Why can't everyday be like this?! Hmm. And then he goes on to tell me details about the bachelor party he went to the weekend before - let's just say one of his best friends, his name for our purposes, and in my head, is "Hefner". I mean everytime I hear stories about Hefner he is just partying it up (you can make your own conclusions based on the name I am giving him). So yeah, not thrilled this is who Eagle hangs out with all the time - people usually aren't too different than their closest friends. Eagle did end up hanging out with his family on Sunday and sounded so happy about it - that part I love about him - the family side of him. Anyway after he was done telling me all his stories, I caught him up on what was new with me - it was a really nice conversation actually, both of us really animated. I told him I was going to be in NJ on Monday for work and asked if he wanted to get together for dinner - he had plans but said he would change them (yeah - afterall I kinda made this meeting happen in his area because I wanted to see him).
After we got off the phone, in the middle of the night, I sent him another really long email. I guess I was just thinking how much he loves to party (still) and how much I want to settle down. So my email - I told him I realize that he told me he was really busy this month (all weekends in April) and that we still have seen each other only because I happen to be in his area (which between us, I never really happened to be in his area but made it a point be there). I went on to tell him how I thought last Wednesday when I went to his pool game with him was once of the nicest times I've had with him in some time - and that all the butterflies going crazy in my stomach made me realize that even though I wasn't attached to the idea of "us" anymore, how much I really do like him. I then went on to tell him the truth was though that even if by some miracle he wanted us to be togehter exclusively, my answer to him today would be no. I told him this quote someone shared with me "Never make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs" and told him if he really wanted to be with me, it would take a hell of a lot to convince me - because at this point I just don't believe it. I told him everyday I realize how much we want different things in my life and that I'm starting to get that others want what I want too (my again, subtle, stupid way of telling him I was seeing other people). I did go on to say that the shitty part of the whole thing is that I do feel like he & I complete each other but its all about timing. So the email went on, said some stuff about how much I love having him in my life and the thought of him not in it made me really sad and that I wish we could have talked more but since we couldn't I was just babbling away in this email about this strange relationship we had - intricate and baffling as it is. I signed it "your #1 fan" which is sometimes what I tell him I am (started using it when he was nervous about interviewing for a job and every once in awhile I throw it out there - this time I did because I felt like I had said some heavy stuff and wanted to balance it by letting him know I still like him).
So that was it - I felt good when I went to bed - realizing that maybe, just maybe, Eagle & I are in two different places and somehow all of this was going to make it easier for me to move on...
Thursday - April 17th:
He emailed me back. He said it was nice (or a bit crazy in a good way) for me to write all this in the middle of the night. He said I was right - things progressed because of me and in spite of him - that we would email/text/talk more sporadically if it wasn't for me. He then said he had instantaneously changed his plans for Monday to have dinner with me because I was going to be in town - he said if I had been more local he wouldn't have. (hmmm, ok not liking that part!!) He said he didnt want any of this to be a point of contention (not really sure what he meant by that) but that he was really busy and if I hadn't noticed, I was even busier! He went on to say that he's not great at phone or email but has put in his best effort. He said making an effort with so many distractions (all the other things he has going on in his life) makes him realize how much he really enjoys having me in his life too. He ended it by saying "though the 'question' of where is this baffling/strange relationship going will need to be addressed...I guess when there is time" and he said maybe this was something for conversation on Monday. And that we also needed to chat about the "#1 fan" thing at some point too.
Okay - so wasn't really sure what to make of any of that?! I wrote back saying that I did appreciate all the effort he makes (phone/emails/changing plans) and that he & I both wouldn't be doing this for "just anyone". I told him I also wasn't sure what we needed to talk about - I thought it was clear that if something came of this, great, if not - no harm done. And that I was sad if what he meant was that we shouldn't be such a big part of each other's lives anymore.
He responded not be sad - that he didn't think we would ever be out of each other's lives - that we were too similar, in an odd sort of way. He also said he would not be the one asking where this was going because its not his personality (ummm, hello....is it me or did he not just say we would have to address it at some point?!). Anyway he told me not be sad, just happy.
Man, I am all kinds of confused! Wed night I was feeling confident, that maybe this wasn't for me. But now that Eagle is being all wierd, that just makes me want him (to want me)! Soooo...we talk again on Thursday night. It was really late actually, I told him I was dying to share something with him (my excuse to talk to him, to make sure everything was okay between us). I told him how I found out that day that they were going to offer me a 4 month position in India at work - he was like wow, that's awesome! I told him I couldn't take it - that I had different priorities right now and career wasn't #1. He kind of told me I was giving up an opportunity of a lifetime (especially since this is something I have wanted) - I told him it was all timing, if this had been next year, I would take it. He said why - why next year is it ok? I said because by then things will be different. And then I was like hey - you are suppose to be my supportive friend! So he was like look, its actually quite noble that you know what you want and where your priorities are. Hmmm, ok. Anyway we talked for over an hour - and I don't know - after we talked about the work stuff - everything else - either he was really tired or something was just off. He told me he hadn't had a great day at work and had some other stuff he was dealing with. So stupid me, who knows better, was like hey - why don't you like that I say I'm your #1 fan? He was like we'll talk about all this later. When I asked again he said look, its just me, okay? Hmm....WHAT does that mean?!! When we got off the phone - like I said, not sure if he was just really tired (it was 2am!) or if its more? I'm thinking its more =(
I don't get it - until Wednesday night, things were so great?!! At least I thought so - and yes, "great" meaning "fine" - not that anything was moving/progressing...But I'm glad I sent that email late Wed night - I had to be honest, right?!!
Friday - April 18th:
I was leaving to come back to the states. I sent Eagle an email in the early morning and thanked him for staying on the phone so late even though he was so tired.
When I got back home, I found out that upper management wants to meet with me first thing Monday morning about the India position -yikes! So I used this, again, as an excuse to call him. I know what you are all thinking - girl, stop it!!!!! I know, I know. So I called him at work and he picked up the phone, laughing at something. I told him what was going on, we talked for like 2 minutes and I kinda felt this wierd vibe so I got off the phone.
Eagle & Hefner are going out of town for the weekend for a friend's birthday. They are going to stop by a casino on their way (yes, Hefner's idea - but of course Eagle was all over it). I thought if things were "okay" he would text me from the casino to tell me how much he's up or down - like he has everytime over the past few months. But no text. Hmmm...I'm thinking he needs some space. Fine - no more contact from me this weekend.
Saturday, April 19th:
I had the wierdest dream last night about Eagle - that he had invited me over his house. His mom and family were all being really nice to me and he basically ignored me. At one point he even said "I don't need a wifey around" and I was like I'm not trying to be your wife. Then he later comes and tells me that he knows he hasn't been really nice to me and he was sorry.
Interesting. I think between my email that basically said I really want different things in my life right now and letting him know I wasn't going to take the India position because my personal life was my first priority - has maybe also put things in perspective for him? Maybe its all scared him? I'm glad I was so honest, come what may. But why, then, am I so sad today =(
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Just Part Of Being Single I Guess...
I can't wait for the day when someone actually gives me, or gives "us" a room to sleep in when I stay over! I was recently in India - and as usual, every couple got a bedroom to sleep in and those without a significant other got to sleep in a line on the floor in the living room. This has been the story of my life! Even when guests come over, I am the first one booted out of a room to offer it to a "couple" - single me could sleep anywhere. I actually don't mind...but everytime it happens I wonder when that day will come that someone will say take the bedroom, the rest of us will manage outside. Will that day ever come?! Even last night I stayed at my friend's place and she had other people over who were occupying the guest bedrooms so she asked if I minded sleeping on the couch. Of course I don't (I really don't) - but the thought did cross my mind again, if I was married, would it have been different? Probably not, we both would have probably gotten a nice sleeping bag to share on the floor. But even that sounds appealing at this point! I don't mind sleeping outside or on the floor - just not having to do it alone would be nice.
So what I need to make that happen is a husband. Everyone seems to have one - but me! It must be so nice to have your best friend with you at all times, to have someone to talk to and hang out with, and feel so special with. To share secrets with and aspirations with. To joke around with and spoon with at night. And yes, even to fight with.
And if I can find that husband then I look forward to joining my friends in parenthood. Being called foi and masi is awesome (wouldnt trade it for anything)...but I can't wait until someone calls me mommy and comes running into my arms to give me a hug and kiss because I'm their entire world. And 'daddy' too, I can't wait to see that happen to 'daddy'.
But right now, as of today, I will be happy just having my man next to me so I am no longer seen as the Single Indian Girl and someone will finally(!) offer "us" a bedroom to sleep in. Who would have ever thought such a simple little thing could mean so much!
So what I need to make that happen is a husband. Everyone seems to have one - but me! It must be so nice to have your best friend with you at all times, to have someone to talk to and hang out with, and feel so special with. To share secrets with and aspirations with. To joke around with and spoon with at night. And yes, even to fight with.
And if I can find that husband then I look forward to joining my friends in parenthood. Being called foi and masi is awesome (wouldnt trade it for anything)...but I can't wait until someone calls me mommy and comes running into my arms to give me a hug and kiss because I'm their entire world. And 'daddy' too, I can't wait to see that happen to 'daddy'.
But right now, as of today, I will be happy just having my man next to me so I am no longer seen as the Single Indian Girl and someone will finally(!) offer "us" a bedroom to sleep in. Who would have ever thought such a simple little thing could mean so much!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Date With Chicago Surgeon
Chicago Surgeon actually came into my life a few years ago - 4 or 5 years ago probably. We had talked a lot but had never actually met...the truth is we came to this roadblock because being vegetarian is something that's really important to me and not being one is something that is really important to him - and we just couldn't find a compromise. It became such an issue before we ever met that things eventually just fizzled. Anyway he came back into my life a few weeks ago and we've been talking again ever since. He actually drunk called me one night too (always nice to be the recipient of one of these)! He was going to be in my city this weekend for a conference and thus, the date.
Now I was really good about Eagle on Thursday night, probably because NJ Doc was interesting and my mind just didn't go there. Friday night turned out to be a whole different story. You see, Eagle was headed to Atlantic City to gamble with one of his friends and then was going to spend the weekend there for a bachelor party. And I was leaving on Saturday to go out of the country for a week for work. So I talked to him from work on Friday afternoon - we joked around for a few minutes, laughed, and I wished him luck at the casino's and he wished me a safe flight. He told me he was available by cell phone and blackberry all weekend. Hmmm....okay?! I responded by saying I was available all week by email. God, I wanted what he said to mean something but I let it go.
On my way home from work, I texted Eagle (shame on me!) telling him to win big like he had at pool. He texted me that he was standing outside the Coach Store and asked if i needed/wanted anything - funny because when he & I went to AC we were actually going to go there but the store closed by the time we reached. So I told him he was being a tease and left it at that. Then when I got home from work and was getting ready for my date with Chicago Surgeon, Eagle texted me about how he was doing at the casino's. We exchanged a few texts - actually all the way until my cab pulled up in front of the restaurant I was going to. So needless to say, Eagle was on my mind - but as I walked in, I put him to the side and decided to concentrate on what was ahead...
Chicago Surgeon was sitting at the bar, waiting for me. He seemed excited to finally meet me, and the way he was looking at me made me a little self-conscious initially. We sat down for dinner and he was a total gentlemen. He ordered us a really nice bottle of my favorite kind of wine and let me choose the appetizers, telling me he really didn't mind eating vegetarian. The wine was really good, the appetizer excellent. Our main course was awful (his was tuna - yuck - and he actually ended up sending it back). We made up for it by getting some chocolate dessert :) The conversation....well it reminded me, along with the talks we'd been having the past few weeks, why things had probably fizzled. It was the meat/no meat thing for sure - but he is also your typical surgeon with a God-like complex. I admit, this is something that I have been attracted to for years - but now, not so much. Attitude and a little bit of cockiness is nice, but this was a bit over the top. Granted, I understand where it comes from - literally holding lives in your hands, hell I'd be like that too. But I don't know - it just wasnt doing it for me tonight. But then all the times he was joking around with me in gujarati, it was really funny!
So, yeah, Eagle crossed my minds a few times tonight during dinner. Little things kept triggering it. Like when Chicago Surgeon was telling me how he hated hot weather - I kept thinking about how Eagle always turns the heat up for me when I'm around because he knows I can't stand it cold. And more than anything, I was thinking about him and dying to text him to see how his gambling was going. Initially I was actually really excited to meet Chicago Surgeon but I guess it didn't turn out as I had thought.
When I got home around 1:30am, yes, I texted Eagle and we exchanged a few texts. But I am going to be really good - I am not going to text him tomorrow before I leave for the airport. Plus he's at his bachelor party. And anyway, he could text me if he wanted to, right?!
Self-control, I must practice self-control.
Now I was really good about Eagle on Thursday night, probably because NJ Doc was interesting and my mind just didn't go there. Friday night turned out to be a whole different story. You see, Eagle was headed to Atlantic City to gamble with one of his friends and then was going to spend the weekend there for a bachelor party. And I was leaving on Saturday to go out of the country for a week for work. So I talked to him from work on Friday afternoon - we joked around for a few minutes, laughed, and I wished him luck at the casino's and he wished me a safe flight. He told me he was available by cell phone and blackberry all weekend. Hmmm....okay?! I responded by saying I was available all week by email. God, I wanted what he said to mean something but I let it go.
On my way home from work, I texted Eagle (shame on me!) telling him to win big like he had at pool. He texted me that he was standing outside the Coach Store and asked if i needed/wanted anything - funny because when he & I went to AC we were actually going to go there but the store closed by the time we reached. So I told him he was being a tease and left it at that. Then when I got home from work and was getting ready for my date with Chicago Surgeon, Eagle texted me about how he was doing at the casino's. We exchanged a few texts - actually all the way until my cab pulled up in front of the restaurant I was going to. So needless to say, Eagle was on my mind - but as I walked in, I put him to the side and decided to concentrate on what was ahead...
Chicago Surgeon was sitting at the bar, waiting for me. He seemed excited to finally meet me, and the way he was looking at me made me a little self-conscious initially. We sat down for dinner and he was a total gentlemen. He ordered us a really nice bottle of my favorite kind of wine and let me choose the appetizers, telling me he really didn't mind eating vegetarian. The wine was really good, the appetizer excellent. Our main course was awful (his was tuna - yuck - and he actually ended up sending it back). We made up for it by getting some chocolate dessert :) The conversation....well it reminded me, along with the talks we'd been having the past few weeks, why things had probably fizzled. It was the meat/no meat thing for sure - but he is also your typical surgeon with a God-like complex. I admit, this is something that I have been attracted to for years - but now, not so much. Attitude and a little bit of cockiness is nice, but this was a bit over the top. Granted, I understand where it comes from - literally holding lives in your hands, hell I'd be like that too. But I don't know - it just wasnt doing it for me tonight. But then all the times he was joking around with me in gujarati, it was really funny!
So, yeah, Eagle crossed my minds a few times tonight during dinner. Little things kept triggering it. Like when Chicago Surgeon was telling me how he hated hot weather - I kept thinking about how Eagle always turns the heat up for me when I'm around because he knows I can't stand it cold. And more than anything, I was thinking about him and dying to text him to see how his gambling was going. Initially I was actually really excited to meet Chicago Surgeon but I guess it didn't turn out as I had thought.
When I got home around 1:30am, yes, I texted Eagle and we exchanged a few texts. But I am going to be really good - I am not going to text him tomorrow before I leave for the airport. Plus he's at his bachelor party. And anyway, he could text me if he wanted to, right?!
Self-control, I must practice self-control.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Date With NJ Doc
I have gone out with other guys since meeting Eagle, I mean he keeps telling me to - so I am. But no one has really caught my attention the way he has so in general its hard not to keep thinking about him.
Tonight I had a date with NJ Doc. I met him through an "aunty" - mind you I have no idea who this aunty is! If you're Indian, you get how this works - my mom calls me and tells me so and so told her about this guy and that he'll be calling me soon. So be it. Though this time it was completely blind - I had no idea how this guy looked! I had talked to him a few nights ago and was in one of my moods where I was talking a hundred miles an hour and we actually clicked on the phone, which was a pleasant surprise. I talked about my neice and he about his nephew - both the same age. I don't know, conversation with him was very real. So when I saw him outside the restaurant tonight - and surprisingly he was actually cute (you can never tell with these aunties!) - I looked forward to the rest of the date.
We had dinner at an Indian restuarant. Conversation was easy and good the entire time. Turned out he actually had gone on a date with one of my really good friends a few years ago - what a small world. Anyway first impressions are first impressions - the one thing that kinda threw me off was that he never really asked me what I wanted/preferred. For example, he's not vegetarian but I am. So when we were looking at the menu, he said he didn't mind ordering a vege appetizier - and told me the 2 things he liked and asked me to choose. Hmmm....how about asking me what I wanted to get instead? I didnt really think about it too much...until the waiter asked us what kind of bread we wanted with our dinner. He said we'll take 2 butter naan's. Uh, hello - I'd like mine plain, please. Then when we were done and the waiter asked if we wanted anything packed he said no. Again, I was like actually I'll take mine to go (I had hardly had any of it and why let it go to waste!). Then the waiter asked if we wanted dessert and he was like no, we're fine. Okay then! So....those things kinda threw me off ---- but at the end of the day, despite that actually, I think we had a decent time. When we left he gave me a hug and said maybe in a few weeks (we both had travels coming up) we should get together again and that he'd even come closer next time to my neck of the woods.
I talked to my friend that he had gone out with - she remembers him being cute and nice and can't remember why they never went out again, she thinks maybe he just never called her. So let's see if he calls me...I'd be up for a 2nd date with him.
Oh - and you would be so proud, Eagle did not cross my mind the entire time I was with NJ Doc! Though hours later that night I called Eagle and got his voicemail...talking to him everyday/night is not a habit I am going to be able to break easily, not when I enjoy it so much, and not when I really don't want to. Though I know it has to happen at some point. I fell asleep but was glad to see in the morning that he had called me back. Why these things matter to me I don't know. Okay, I know - but give me some credit - I am trying here!
Tonight I had a date with NJ Doc. I met him through an "aunty" - mind you I have no idea who this aunty is! If you're Indian, you get how this works - my mom calls me and tells me so and so told her about this guy and that he'll be calling me soon. So be it. Though this time it was completely blind - I had no idea how this guy looked! I had talked to him a few nights ago and was in one of my moods where I was talking a hundred miles an hour and we actually clicked on the phone, which was a pleasant surprise. I talked about my neice and he about his nephew - both the same age. I don't know, conversation with him was very real. So when I saw him outside the restaurant tonight - and surprisingly he was actually cute (you can never tell with these aunties!) - I looked forward to the rest of the date.
We had dinner at an Indian restuarant. Conversation was easy and good the entire time. Turned out he actually had gone on a date with one of my really good friends a few years ago - what a small world. Anyway first impressions are first impressions - the one thing that kinda threw me off was that he never really asked me what I wanted/preferred. For example, he's not vegetarian but I am. So when we were looking at the menu, he said he didn't mind ordering a vege appetizier - and told me the 2 things he liked and asked me to choose. Hmmm....how about asking me what I wanted to get instead? I didnt really think about it too much...until the waiter asked us what kind of bread we wanted with our dinner. He said we'll take 2 butter naan's. Uh, hello - I'd like mine plain, please. Then when we were done and the waiter asked if we wanted anything packed he said no. Again, I was like actually I'll take mine to go (I had hardly had any of it and why let it go to waste!). Then the waiter asked if we wanted dessert and he was like no, we're fine. Okay then! So....those things kinda threw me off ---- but at the end of the day, despite that actually, I think we had a decent time. When we left he gave me a hug and said maybe in a few weeks (we both had travels coming up) we should get together again and that he'd even come closer next time to my neck of the woods.
I talked to my friend that he had gone out with - she remembers him being cute and nice and can't remember why they never went out again, she thinks maybe he just never called her. So let's see if he calls me...I'd be up for a 2nd date with him.
Oh - and you would be so proud, Eagle did not cross my mind the entire time I was with NJ Doc! Though hours later that night I called Eagle and got his voicemail...talking to him everyday/night is not a habit I am going to be able to break easily, not when I enjoy it so much, and not when I really don't want to. Though I know it has to happen at some point. I fell asleep but was glad to see in the morning that he had called me back. Why these things matter to me I don't know. Okay, I know - but give me some credit - I am trying here!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
"Eagle" In My Heart & On My Mind
Eagle is a year younger than me and has been in my life for about 5 months. And to my dismay, no he is not my boyfriend. You see, he tells me he likes me and I really like him - but he's not ready for a commitment. The 2 times I have brought "us" up, he tells me to exhaust my options, that someday he'll be ready to settle down but this is not that time. Okay, okay I know --- settling down/being married/having a family is exactly what I want --- so what the hell am I sticking around for, right?
The reality is I fell in love with him. I haven't admitted that - not even to myself - until right now. It happened in the first 2 months, hit me really hard. Especially considering just a few months before I met him I had just come out of a one-year relationship. So the walls had been up - actually it was more like I had a fort built around me. So how it happened still escapes me.
We are so alike - Eagle & I - sometimes its almost like we're the same person. We make each other laugh all the time, our families and backgrounds are really similar, and most importantly - we really get each other. I mean, really get each other. We talk so much everyday that we're connected on so many details of our lives. He's become my best friend. And I can picture us "happily ever after" - add all that together along with how I feel and hopefully you can understand why I can't just let go.
We've had some wonderful dates/weekends together. I won't go into them now, just take my word for it. Tonight I met him after work - he plays pool in a league and I have heard so much about it from him that I wanted to go watch him play.
I don't know why I was nervous on my way there - maybe because last week I told him that I was finally where he was - that I wasn't going to ask to spend time together anymore - that we'll just see what happens, when and if it happens. Yeah, I meant it, or at least really wanted to mean it - to not care so much. Regardless I had butterflies.
The fact that he called me a few times on my way there made me think he was excited to see me too, I could hear it in his voice. He told me he wanted to do dinner with me before or after the game - he hasn't "wanted" to do anything in a few weeks so it was really nice to hear! I got there around 8pm, met the guys he plays with and basically hung out until 12:30am when the game finally ended. We were kinda flirting with each other the whole time, it was really cute. Everytime his leg brushed mine or he jokingly poked me, the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy. It's funny - I haven't felt like that with him since the first few times we were together, I was surprised - and thrilled because I felt like he felt it too. He won his match - and yes, he is really good - which only made him more appealing. When we walked out of the bar he put his arm around me and everything just felt so right.
We were starving so we grabbed some pizza. Instead of sitting across each other, we sat next to each other in the booth (it was so cute) and joked around and talked about a lot of things. We are really comfortable with each other and its an amazing feeling to have that with someone. I then drove him to his car and before he got out we shared the sweetest kiss we've shared in some time. Just thinking about it brings those butterflies back.
So this is my Eagle. The guy all my friends are telling me to walk away from because they think he's going to end up breaking my heart. The guy they want me to leave behind because having him around is keeping me from seriously concentrating on anyone else. The guy they keep telling me I am wasting my time with. But this is the same guy I can't imagine not having in my life. However, this is the guy I also know I have to slowly, somehow, start disengaging from. Because in my mind I know if after all these months, no matter how great its been, if he's still not ready to be in a committed relationship with me, what's the chance he ever will be? But in my heart, which currently is ruling over my mind, I hold onto that hope.
I am trying, really really hard, to follow my mind and not my heart. So I have 2 more dates lined up for this week....
The reality is I fell in love with him. I haven't admitted that - not even to myself - until right now. It happened in the first 2 months, hit me really hard. Especially considering just a few months before I met him I had just come out of a one-year relationship. So the walls had been up - actually it was more like I had a fort built around me. So how it happened still escapes me.
We are so alike - Eagle & I - sometimes its almost like we're the same person. We make each other laugh all the time, our families and backgrounds are really similar, and most importantly - we really get each other. I mean, really get each other. We talk so much everyday that we're connected on so many details of our lives. He's become my best friend. And I can picture us "happily ever after" - add all that together along with how I feel and hopefully you can understand why I can't just let go.
We've had some wonderful dates/weekends together. I won't go into them now, just take my word for it. Tonight I met him after work - he plays pool in a league and I have heard so much about it from him that I wanted to go watch him play.
I don't know why I was nervous on my way there - maybe because last week I told him that I was finally where he was - that I wasn't going to ask to spend time together anymore - that we'll just see what happens, when and if it happens. Yeah, I meant it, or at least really wanted to mean it - to not care so much. Regardless I had butterflies.
The fact that he called me a few times on my way there made me think he was excited to see me too, I could hear it in his voice. He told me he wanted to do dinner with me before or after the game - he hasn't "wanted" to do anything in a few weeks so it was really nice to hear! I got there around 8pm, met the guys he plays with and basically hung out until 12:30am when the game finally ended. We were kinda flirting with each other the whole time, it was really cute. Everytime his leg brushed mine or he jokingly poked me, the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy. It's funny - I haven't felt like that with him since the first few times we were together, I was surprised - and thrilled because I felt like he felt it too. He won his match - and yes, he is really good - which only made him more appealing. When we walked out of the bar he put his arm around me and everything just felt so right.
We were starving so we grabbed some pizza. Instead of sitting across each other, we sat next to each other in the booth (it was so cute) and joked around and talked about a lot of things. We are really comfortable with each other and its an amazing feeling to have that with someone. I then drove him to his car and before he got out we shared the sweetest kiss we've shared in some time. Just thinking about it brings those butterflies back.
So this is my Eagle. The guy all my friends are telling me to walk away from because they think he's going to end up breaking my heart. The guy they want me to leave behind because having him around is keeping me from seriously concentrating on anyone else. The guy they keep telling me I am wasting my time with. But this is the same guy I can't imagine not having in my life. However, this is the guy I also know I have to slowly, somehow, start disengaging from. Because in my mind I know if after all these months, no matter how great its been, if he's still not ready to be in a committed relationship with me, what's the chance he ever will be? But in my heart, which currently is ruling over my mind, I hold onto that hope.
I am trying, really really hard, to follow my mind and not my heart. So I have 2 more dates lined up for this week....
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