I guess I have been on & off in touch with this guy for months, but we never really exchanged any real emails or had any phone conversations. It was like we'd get in touch via the dating website, but it never went anywhere. Now that I've moved back to NJ, I am really trying to make an effort to meet more people...well, I guess I could be making a better effort, but its a start.
Anyway, so I finally decide to meet up with this guy. Even before we had met, and probably part of the reason I hadn't met him sooner, was that he had changed his name to an American one. You're probably thinking so what? Well, I don't know, that really bothers me. Like you're embarassed of who you are and where you've come from. And the best part is that his new name is not even a derivative of his Indian name - its just completely random!
I'm getting sick of always being the one to make the effort to go where the guy is so I proposed meeting closer to where I live. He was totally for it - cool. We decide to meet at Jose Tejas at 8pm. It is pouring rain outside and I'm almost tempted to cancel, but I don't. I have never spoken to "Indian Guy With An American Name" so I am totally thrown off when I meet him and he has kind of an Indian accent. He puts his hand out to shake mine, and as I reach out for his hand he pulls me into a hug and kisses me on the cheek. Whoa! Okay, totally taken by surprise.
We had decent conversation over dinner. He was looking at me the whole time smiling, completely engaged in whatever I was saying. He was kinda cute...I kept looking at him to figure out what I thought. And I wasn't sure how I felt about him being 4 years older than me...I kept wondering if he looked like an uncle :) Then twice he made some comment about "that's how indians are"....i am sure he didnt mean it negatively but combined with the fact that he changed his name and started eating meat because it was more convenient due to work...i did wonder how "american" he thought he was. He's been in the U.S. 15 years, is he one of those people with a lost identity?
Dinner was fine and then he did the whole hug, grab, kiss on the cheek again when we left. He did email me later (few days later) to tell me he'd like to see me again. I guess I'm open to it. It's just that I feel like I've let go of all those things I thought I wanted...someone gujarati, tall (he's not), vegetarian, etc. and the one thing that I really really want more than anything is to be with someone that was raised here in the U.S. (similar mindsets, backgrounds we can share). Why is that becoming so difficult? Even some of the other guys I'm in touch with right now are also guys that all grew up in India. Obviously I'm trying to keep an open mind cause you never know and I'm going to meet them all - at this point in my life I know meeting someone is more important than anything else...I just wish, well, I just wish a lot of things I guess. I'll just leave it at that.
I'll let you know what/if anything happens with this one. Stay tuned.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Tea In The City & My Friend's Ex!
I met two guys today.
Guy #1 was in the city (NY that is). I was there for an interview and afterwards, I met up with this guy that I had recently started chatting with. We actually had plans to meet in my city for a date on Saturday but I didnt want to set myself up for an entire evening with a guy that I may not end up liking/hardly knew anything about so asked him if he wanted to meet up while I was in NY. This was the first South Indian guy I was going to meet - up until now I never really was open to meeting South Indians....but I really need to broaden my options! Anyway, we met at this really cool Japanese Tea place (that also happened to serve all vege food, I wish I remembered the name of the place!) He was tall and cute and I actually really enjoyed our conversation - I even found myself giggling :) We hung out for a little over an hour and then he had to run to a meeting. I remember sitting there thinking damn, should have had him come up to my city so we could have gone on a real date. As nice as he was, I got this feeling that I might not hear from him again. He said he just started the whole online dating thing - not that that is a reason I won't hear from him, but sometimes you just know...
Guy #2 I met later that evening. This was a guy I have been chatting with a little bit longer and we had been trying to find a date to get together. He was telling me he had a long week and needed a drink so we first met at a martini bar in NJ. He is 6 years older than me (he just turned 40!) and I was hesitant about meeting someone older...I don't know, 40 is too close to 50 and then that reminds me of my parents :) But I decided to keep an open mind knowing how hard it is to meet people. When I walked in I noticed that he looked younger than his age and was kinda cute - cool! We hung out at the bar for a little while and seemed to kinda click - the funny part is being around him I suddenly felt so young - it was the best feeling! Haha :) One of my closest friends name's came up (they had both done residency at the same hospital) and I asked him if he knew her. He doesn't say anything really. After awhile, we head out and start walking towards the restaurant. Suddenly he's like your friend...I know her. I was like oh, you do? He says yes, we actually dated. I stop in my tracks - right there on the sidewalk - and it hit me! He had used a nickname with her (short form of his name) and his full name with me....I just point at him and in shock say "YOU! THAT WAS YOU!" I can't believe this is the guy my friend had dated for over a year and the guy that had totally messed with her. He just looked down and then back up and said Do you still want to do dinner? I was like yeah we're doing dinner, i'm hungry! The walk to the restaurant was a bit awkward (as you can imagine!). Once we got there, we sat down and just started talking about other things and then everything was fine - I guess I reclassified quickly that this was now just hanging out and so I was totally just being myself and we were sharing stories and laughing. He was a cool guy, I can see why my friend had dated him for so long. While we were having dinner he looked at me and was like has anyone ever told you that you look like Jennifer Aniston? I was like what? He said yeah, your look, your mannerisms - you totally remind me of her. I started laughing and said when I was 10 pounds thinner and you could see my defined chin that guys had told me that before. And that my cousins in India tell me. Later we're talking and he's just looking at me and I was like what? He just smiled and says can I call you Jen? Even though most would agree that I don't look like her, it was nice for someone to give me such a nice compliment - I needed that. It kinda made my night. After dinner we headed back to our cars and I made a point that I would be okay walking to my car (so he wouldn't walk me) and the goodbye was so awkward that I later texted him saying sorry for the awkward goodbye and thanks for dinner. I immediately called my friend to tell her who I had just had dinner with....and he called while I was on with her and left a message saying it was fine and that I was a cool and it was fun hanging out and he'd talk to me later (or something like that). Anyway, I know way too much about him and he's one of my closest friend's ex's --- you just don't go there. But.....what luck, huh?!!
Guy #1 was in the city (NY that is). I was there for an interview and afterwards, I met up with this guy that I had recently started chatting with. We actually had plans to meet in my city for a date on Saturday but I didnt want to set myself up for an entire evening with a guy that I may not end up liking/hardly knew anything about so asked him if he wanted to meet up while I was in NY. This was the first South Indian guy I was going to meet - up until now I never really was open to meeting South Indians....but I really need to broaden my options! Anyway, we met at this really cool Japanese Tea place (that also happened to serve all vege food, I wish I remembered the name of the place!) He was tall and cute and I actually really enjoyed our conversation - I even found myself giggling :) We hung out for a little over an hour and then he had to run to a meeting. I remember sitting there thinking damn, should have had him come up to my city so we could have gone on a real date. As nice as he was, I got this feeling that I might not hear from him again. He said he just started the whole online dating thing - not that that is a reason I won't hear from him, but sometimes you just know...
Guy #2 I met later that evening. This was a guy I have been chatting with a little bit longer and we had been trying to find a date to get together. He was telling me he had a long week and needed a drink so we first met at a martini bar in NJ. He is 6 years older than me (he just turned 40!) and I was hesitant about meeting someone older...I don't know, 40 is too close to 50 and then that reminds me of my parents :) But I decided to keep an open mind knowing how hard it is to meet people. When I walked in I noticed that he looked younger than his age and was kinda cute - cool! We hung out at the bar for a little while and seemed to kinda click - the funny part is being around him I suddenly felt so young - it was the best feeling! Haha :) One of my closest friends name's came up (they had both done residency at the same hospital) and I asked him if he knew her. He doesn't say anything really. After awhile, we head out and start walking towards the restaurant. Suddenly he's like your friend...I know her. I was like oh, you do? He says yes, we actually dated. I stop in my tracks - right there on the sidewalk - and it hit me! He had used a nickname with her (short form of his name) and his full name with me....I just point at him and in shock say "YOU! THAT WAS YOU!" I can't believe this is the guy my friend had dated for over a year and the guy that had totally messed with her. He just looked down and then back up and said Do you still want to do dinner? I was like yeah we're doing dinner, i'm hungry! The walk to the restaurant was a bit awkward (as you can imagine!). Once we got there, we sat down and just started talking about other things and then everything was fine - I guess I reclassified quickly that this was now just hanging out and so I was totally just being myself and we were sharing stories and laughing. He was a cool guy, I can see why my friend had dated him for so long. While we were having dinner he looked at me and was like has anyone ever told you that you look like Jennifer Aniston? I was like what? He said yeah, your look, your mannerisms - you totally remind me of her. I started laughing and said when I was 10 pounds thinner and you could see my defined chin that guys had told me that before. And that my cousins in India tell me. Later we're talking and he's just looking at me and I was like what? He just smiled and says can I call you Jen? Even though most would agree that I don't look like her, it was nice for someone to give me such a nice compliment - I needed that. It kinda made my night. After dinner we headed back to our cars and I made a point that I would be okay walking to my car (so he wouldn't walk me) and the goodbye was so awkward that I later texted him saying sorry for the awkward goodbye and thanks for dinner. I immediately called my friend to tell her who I had just had dinner with....and he called while I was on with her and left a message saying it was fine and that I was a cool and it was fun hanging out and he'd talk to me later (or something like that). Anyway, I know way too much about him and he's one of my closest friend's ex's --- you just don't go there. But.....what luck, huh?!!
Friday, September 5, 2008
A Most Memorable Night...
I have to write this right now, this very minute, so that I can try and capture the feeling of what tonight has been like.
You see, there's this guy I "met" online, that lives in L.A. --- yes, all the way in California. Anyway, we started "talking" 3 months ago - random emails every now and then. Based on some emails we exchanged, the timing was off and well, for reasons left unsaid, it wasn't really going to go anywhere (among other things, he's a year younger than me and I don't think he was ok with that). But I really enjoyed our chats and so I kept in touch with him. When I recently went to India he was telling me some places to go check out (which I did). I let go of the idea of this going anywhere but referred to him once in awhile as my dream boy (tall, cute, vegetarian, my religion) - all the things that would be great to have :)
So when I found out I was coming to L.A. for work, I asked him if he lived nearby and would like to meet up for a drink so we could go from being virtual friends to real friends. He said he would do one better than that and take me to dinner. Yeah! I was totally looking forward to meeting him (with truly no expectations).
And tonight I did. Imagine a tall, cute, goofy guy...kind of like Ross on Friends. Ross, we'll call him Ross :) He picked me up at my hotel around 8pm and we went to Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica - conversation was easy right from the beginning and we were talking away. We walked around, briefly stopped to watch a street performance (i love those, but could tell maybe he didnt want to watch), so then continued on to find a place to eat as we were both hungry. We stopped at this nice Italian restaurant and sat outside to have dinner. I picked 2 different glasses of wine for us to try and he picked 2 different dishes that we would try. We shared one story after another - with a million tangents because I suffer from ADD (worse than him he said!) and everything he said would trigger a story, which of course I had to totally interupt with :) It was amazing how many little things we had in common. We toasted our wine glasses and he said something about being buddies and going from being virtual friends to real friends - it was cute - and at the same time i thought a nice, subtle reminder that that is what we were. No problem - I really had no expectations! We talked all throughout dinner and then stayed and sat there for quite some time after we were done, just talking. We shared stories about dating, our jobs, freakish things that happen to us - like how I get up at 3am every night and how everytime he looks at the time its either 1:11 or 11:11, we talked about embarrassing stories, differences in attitude of peole from the west coast vs. east coast, and on and on (as he made fun of my east coast accent).
Then he asked me if I wanted to walk around and so we got up and walked up and down 3rd Street Promenade. The weather was perfect! He was telling me how annoying it was that they made low waist men's jeans and I didnt believe him. We passed an Abercombie (i think) and i took him inside to prove it to me. I couldn't believe it - they were everywhere!! I told him this had to be a west coast thing! We continued walking around, talked about cars (his passion) and by this point he was very aware of my ADD tendencies and was catering his stories around it - sorry - there was just so much to see and I love this area! =) I practically jumped up and down when I saw the beach and Santa Monica Pier was right across from us and told him how I hadn't been to the beach all summer! We started walking towards it and I was like please don't feel obligated to go with me, I feel bad I'm dragging you everywhere. He didn't seem to mind and so on we went, joking that I was going to have to carry him back because we were going far from the car!
As we were walking towards the beach, our hands brushed in a way that we almost held hands for a second - my heart skipped a beat. Oh, I just love that feeling! I know, I know, it doesn't mean anything so I had to let it go. But I loved the way he would put his hand on my back if we were crossing the street or to get me out of the way of something. Anyway, I digress...
We got to the beach, I took off my heels, rolled up my jeans and we went for a walk. It was perfect! We were talking and I was complaining that all the sand was filling up in the part of my jeans I had rolled up and now I was walking with like 5lb weights! And because he's tall, practically running to catch up with him :) He was telling me how cold the water gets and I didn't believe him so he told me to go check it out - to have the sand under my toes and the water hitting my feet - I couldn't think of anywhere else I would want to be! We walked for awhile and then sat down and hung out on the beach. I was building a mountain with the sand as we talked and it was just so nice - the sight of the water, the sound of the waves, the endless sand, the lights from the Pier in the background. He started packing my sand to keep it together and I told him he was turning my mountain into a volcano! I kept building it and then he put my name on it. It was a picture perfect moment. We talked about college, our first drinking experiences, how we couldn't stand the cold weather (he thought it was cold out tonight!), places he's traveled and so on as I continued to play with the sand. I dug a hole so deep he was like someone is totally going to fall into that - I just laughed and he was like that is so evil :)
We started our walk back around midnight. Part of me was sad that the night was going to end. There was definetly a little flirting going on (at least I think so) and a few more brushes of the hand that left butterflies in my stomach. He told me the walk back was like an obstacle course for me and I totally agreed - the sand making weights again in my rolled up jeans, my heels that kept getting caught in the planks in the boardwalk. At one point he offered me his hand (he did a couple times actually) and I didn't really take it....not sure where it might lead....or what to do if it did. So I thought best to avoid the whole situation. He made a pit stop to the bathroom and I sat and waited on the boardwalk. He came up behind me and grabbed my waist for a second to get my attention, totally taking me by surprise. Cute. We continued walking back and he asked me how often I traveled. I said sometimes a lot, sometimes not for months (wondering if he was asking somehow how often I came out to L.A.??) I told him I had a potential trip in another 2 weeks but wasn't sure if I would come, would probably send someome else (I told him about it, thinking maybe he would say, you should come). He told me when I was ready to buy a car, I should send him the specs of what I wanted and he would help me out. Nice.
We got back to the garage and drove to my hotel (about 5 minutes away). He drives a Corvette and its so low to the ground. The inside is pretty cool though and he was gunning it as we drove back to show me some of the features - it was fun :) When we got to the hotel, he parked and said I'll walk you to the door - how sweet!! I told him I really had a great time and we hugged and I said keep in touch....and I went inside....so happy!
It's been so long since I had this much fun. Maybe it was because there were no expectations/stresses of a date? As I walked into my hotel room I was hoping my perfect night would end like in the movies and romance novels...that he would call and say he forgot something and then come back to give me a kiss and tell me he wants to see me again tomorrow. Haha, I know, I know - but hey, a girl can dream!!
So that was my night with my 'dream boy'. I texted him saying 'a sincere thanks for a memorable night'. He wrote back 'hey i didnt really do anything but you're welcome' to which i said 'you were good company & took me to all the places i wanted to go. well at least didnt mind getting dragged to them!'
Will I ever see him again? Chances are not. But what wonderful memories that i get to keep forever. The dinner, the beach, the conversations, the light flirting, finally feeling happy - what a truly truly memorable night!!
You see, there's this guy I "met" online, that lives in L.A. --- yes, all the way in California. Anyway, we started "talking" 3 months ago - random emails every now and then. Based on some emails we exchanged, the timing was off and well, for reasons left unsaid, it wasn't really going to go anywhere (among other things, he's a year younger than me and I don't think he was ok with that). But I really enjoyed our chats and so I kept in touch with him. When I recently went to India he was telling me some places to go check out (which I did). I let go of the idea of this going anywhere but referred to him once in awhile as my dream boy (tall, cute, vegetarian, my religion) - all the things that would be great to have :)
So when I found out I was coming to L.A. for work, I asked him if he lived nearby and would like to meet up for a drink so we could go from being virtual friends to real friends. He said he would do one better than that and take me to dinner. Yeah! I was totally looking forward to meeting him (with truly no expectations).
And tonight I did. Imagine a tall, cute, goofy guy...kind of like Ross on Friends. Ross, we'll call him Ross :) He picked me up at my hotel around 8pm and we went to Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica - conversation was easy right from the beginning and we were talking away. We walked around, briefly stopped to watch a street performance (i love those, but could tell maybe he didnt want to watch), so then continued on to find a place to eat as we were both hungry. We stopped at this nice Italian restaurant and sat outside to have dinner. I picked 2 different glasses of wine for us to try and he picked 2 different dishes that we would try. We shared one story after another - with a million tangents because I suffer from ADD (worse than him he said!) and everything he said would trigger a story, which of course I had to totally interupt with :) It was amazing how many little things we had in common. We toasted our wine glasses and he said something about being buddies and going from being virtual friends to real friends - it was cute - and at the same time i thought a nice, subtle reminder that that is what we were. No problem - I really had no expectations! We talked all throughout dinner and then stayed and sat there for quite some time after we were done, just talking. We shared stories about dating, our jobs, freakish things that happen to us - like how I get up at 3am every night and how everytime he looks at the time its either 1:11 or 11:11, we talked about embarrassing stories, differences in attitude of peole from the west coast vs. east coast, and on and on (as he made fun of my east coast accent).
Then he asked me if I wanted to walk around and so we got up and walked up and down 3rd Street Promenade. The weather was perfect! He was telling me how annoying it was that they made low waist men's jeans and I didnt believe him. We passed an Abercombie (i think) and i took him inside to prove it to me. I couldn't believe it - they were everywhere!! I told him this had to be a west coast thing! We continued walking around, talked about cars (his passion) and by this point he was very aware of my ADD tendencies and was catering his stories around it - sorry - there was just so much to see and I love this area! =) I practically jumped up and down when I saw the beach and Santa Monica Pier was right across from us and told him how I hadn't been to the beach all summer! We started walking towards it and I was like please don't feel obligated to go with me, I feel bad I'm dragging you everywhere. He didn't seem to mind and so on we went, joking that I was going to have to carry him back because we were going far from the car!
As we were walking towards the beach, our hands brushed in a way that we almost held hands for a second - my heart skipped a beat. Oh, I just love that feeling! I know, I know, it doesn't mean anything so I had to let it go. But I loved the way he would put his hand on my back if we were crossing the street or to get me out of the way of something. Anyway, I digress...
We got to the beach, I took off my heels, rolled up my jeans and we went for a walk. It was perfect! We were talking and I was complaining that all the sand was filling up in the part of my jeans I had rolled up and now I was walking with like 5lb weights! And because he's tall, practically running to catch up with him :) He was telling me how cold the water gets and I didn't believe him so he told me to go check it out - to have the sand under my toes and the water hitting my feet - I couldn't think of anywhere else I would want to be! We walked for awhile and then sat down and hung out on the beach. I was building a mountain with the sand as we talked and it was just so nice - the sight of the water, the sound of the waves, the endless sand, the lights from the Pier in the background. He started packing my sand to keep it together and I told him he was turning my mountain into a volcano! I kept building it and then he put my name on it. It was a picture perfect moment. We talked about college, our first drinking experiences, how we couldn't stand the cold weather (he thought it was cold out tonight!), places he's traveled and so on as I continued to play with the sand. I dug a hole so deep he was like someone is totally going to fall into that - I just laughed and he was like that is so evil :)
We started our walk back around midnight. Part of me was sad that the night was going to end. There was definetly a little flirting going on (at least I think so) and a few more brushes of the hand that left butterflies in my stomach. He told me the walk back was like an obstacle course for me and I totally agreed - the sand making weights again in my rolled up jeans, my heels that kept getting caught in the planks in the boardwalk. At one point he offered me his hand (he did a couple times actually) and I didn't really take it....not sure where it might lead....or what to do if it did. So I thought best to avoid the whole situation. He made a pit stop to the bathroom and I sat and waited on the boardwalk. He came up behind me and grabbed my waist for a second to get my attention, totally taking me by surprise. Cute. We continued walking back and he asked me how often I traveled. I said sometimes a lot, sometimes not for months (wondering if he was asking somehow how often I came out to L.A.??) I told him I had a potential trip in another 2 weeks but wasn't sure if I would come, would probably send someome else (I told him about it, thinking maybe he would say, you should come). He told me when I was ready to buy a car, I should send him the specs of what I wanted and he would help me out. Nice.
We got back to the garage and drove to my hotel (about 5 minutes away). He drives a Corvette and its so low to the ground. The inside is pretty cool though and he was gunning it as we drove back to show me some of the features - it was fun :) When we got to the hotel, he parked and said I'll walk you to the door - how sweet!! I told him I really had a great time and we hugged and I said keep in touch....and I went inside....so happy!
It's been so long since I had this much fun. Maybe it was because there were no expectations/stresses of a date? As I walked into my hotel room I was hoping my perfect night would end like in the movies and romance novels...that he would call and say he forgot something and then come back to give me a kiss and tell me he wants to see me again tomorrow. Haha, I know, I know - but hey, a girl can dream!!
So that was my night with my 'dream boy'. I texted him saying 'a sincere thanks for a memorable night'. He wrote back 'hey i didnt really do anything but you're welcome' to which i said 'you were good company & took me to all the places i wanted to go. well at least didnt mind getting dragged to them!'
Will I ever see him again? Chances are not. But what wonderful memories that i get to keep forever. The dinner, the beach, the conversations, the light flirting, finally feeling happy - what a truly truly memorable night!!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Date #2 With Delaware...And A Surprise!
I went out with Delaware again tonight. First some background...
It's funny - I just reread what I had said about him after the first date. The whole liking that he always told me when he was going to call...suddenly its not so cute. I find it to be very unspontaneous and almost a little suffocating...for example, every time he calls me and doesn't get me live, he tells me he will try me back again in an hour. And even when I tell him I'm going to be busy (i.e., told him my family was visiting last weekend) - he still called and later made me feel like I was ignoring him. On top of that, he's brought up "us" in not so many words...after one date! He asked me if I had told my parents and I honestly told him that I am talking to other people too....and then he was like well how long do you have to date someone before you know if you want to be with them. Not a bad question but it was just the tone with which it was asked. So yes, I've found him to be a little pushy I guess. One of my cousins made a very good point and said this is how girls act when they like someone too, sometimes they push too much....so mental note to myself to KEEP a little distance when still getting to know someone. Plus I can't tell if he really likes me or he just really wants to get married (based on some other comments he made)....
So back to the date. Tonight we went to go see a movie - he hit a lot of traffic on his way to come pick me up so we missed the original timing of the movie we were going to see. The next movie of the 4 I had narrowed it down to wasn't for another hour and half. My internal reaction was "great". Such bad attitude - I know!!! So I suggested we park the car and go for a walk around the city...after about 2 minutes he was like wow, this is the most I've walked in months! It was kind of funny, I think I exhausted him in our 30 minute walk :) But it was a nice walk, a little muggy out but still, nice, there weren't any uncomfortable silences. And he had dressed up for our date, cute, he actually looked nice. Then we take the long way to the movie theater and get there only 20 minutes before the movie was going to start. We chatted for awhile and I realized I had no desire to hold his hand...or anything. I do think he's cute actually...but I guess his personality from the past 2 weeks of conversations prevented those little butterflies I had felt the first time I met him.
After he dropped me home, I texted him an hour late to see if he made it home. He texts me back that we should get together again sometime. I sent back a smiley face and he wrote back asking if that was a yes. Damn, I didnt know what to say. So I said yeah. Then he writes back saying "Cool...my cousin thought I got married since I came home so late...LOL..." Ok - really - he was home by 12:30 and all this constant talk about "us"/marriage after NOT even knowing him really does turn me off. Why can't we just get to know each other?? Funny thing is I guess deep down I know that if I felt the same way, I would be very excited about it...
So jury is out on Delaware. Trying to keep an open mind for now....
Well as for the surprise I mentioned. I walked into my building and stopped to get the mail. I saw a brown "package" and read the return address...it was from Eagle!! I think I held my breath for a few seconds, not believing it. I knew immediately from the size of the package that it was a book of mine he had borrowed (which I swear just recently I was thinking I wish I could get back!) I stared at his hand-writing all the way up to my apartment. I kept wondering if he had included a note inside, what would it say? Would he acknowledge the email I had sent him? Was I suppose to return any of the stuff he gave me? Well, he wasn't returning gifts I gave him...just what he borrowed. So I anxiously walked into my apartment and opened the wrapping. And disappointed, realized that it was just the book, no note. I put the wrapping with his hand-writing on it on the table...and a second later ripped it and threw it in the garbage. What was the point of keeping it around?! My next thought was to email him to let him know I had received it...but then I didn't. He didn't have my apartment number on the address...so I guess part of me wonders if after a few days he will email me to see if I actually ever got it. So stupid I know. But hey, at the same time, he hasn't acknowledged my email, so why should I acknowledge this?
Sigh. This is my life! What a night!
It's funny - I just reread what I had said about him after the first date. The whole liking that he always told me when he was going to call...suddenly its not so cute. I find it to be very unspontaneous and almost a little suffocating...for example, every time he calls me and doesn't get me live, he tells me he will try me back again in an hour. And even when I tell him I'm going to be busy (i.e., told him my family was visiting last weekend) - he still called and later made me feel like I was ignoring him. On top of that, he's brought up "us" in not so many words...after one date! He asked me if I had told my parents and I honestly told him that I am talking to other people too....and then he was like well how long do you have to date someone before you know if you want to be with them. Not a bad question but it was just the tone with which it was asked. So yes, I've found him to be a little pushy I guess. One of my cousins made a very good point and said this is how girls act when they like someone too, sometimes they push too much....so mental note to myself to KEEP a little distance when still getting to know someone. Plus I can't tell if he really likes me or he just really wants to get married (based on some other comments he made)....
So back to the date. Tonight we went to go see a movie - he hit a lot of traffic on his way to come pick me up so we missed the original timing of the movie we were going to see. The next movie of the 4 I had narrowed it down to wasn't for another hour and half. My internal reaction was "great". Such bad attitude - I know!!! So I suggested we park the car and go for a walk around the city...after about 2 minutes he was like wow, this is the most I've walked in months! It was kind of funny, I think I exhausted him in our 30 minute walk :) But it was a nice walk, a little muggy out but still, nice, there weren't any uncomfortable silences. And he had dressed up for our date, cute, he actually looked nice. Then we take the long way to the movie theater and get there only 20 minutes before the movie was going to start. We chatted for awhile and I realized I had no desire to hold his hand...or anything. I do think he's cute actually...but I guess his personality from the past 2 weeks of conversations prevented those little butterflies I had felt the first time I met him.
After he dropped me home, I texted him an hour late to see if he made it home. He texts me back that we should get together again sometime. I sent back a smiley face and he wrote back asking if that was a yes. Damn, I didnt know what to say. So I said yeah. Then he writes back saying "Cool...my cousin thought I got married since I came home so late...LOL..." Ok - really - he was home by 12:30 and all this constant talk about "us"/marriage after NOT even knowing him really does turn me off. Why can't we just get to know each other?? Funny thing is I guess deep down I know that if I felt the same way, I would be very excited about it...
So jury is out on Delaware. Trying to keep an open mind for now....
Well as for the surprise I mentioned. I walked into my building and stopped to get the mail. I saw a brown "package" and read the return address...it was from Eagle!! I think I held my breath for a few seconds, not believing it. I knew immediately from the size of the package that it was a book of mine he had borrowed (which I swear just recently I was thinking I wish I could get back!) I stared at his hand-writing all the way up to my apartment. I kept wondering if he had included a note inside, what would it say? Would he acknowledge the email I had sent him? Was I suppose to return any of the stuff he gave me? Well, he wasn't returning gifts I gave him...just what he borrowed. So I anxiously walked into my apartment and opened the wrapping. And disappointed, realized that it was just the book, no note. I put the wrapping with his hand-writing on it on the table...and a second later ripped it and threw it in the garbage. What was the point of keeping it around?! My next thought was to email him to let him know I had received it...but then I didn't. He didn't have my apartment number on the address...so I guess part of me wonders if after a few days he will email me to see if I actually ever got it. So stupid I know. But hey, at the same time, he hasn't acknowledged my email, so why should I acknowledge this?
Sigh. This is my life! What a night!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Revelations...
I saw the Indian movie today "Jaane Tu...Ya Jaane Na" - about this guy and girl who are best friends and swear they are not in love. They have the cutest relationship...and eventually it takes dating other people, and it not working out, for them to realize how much they love each other. We all know I make everything around me about my life as usual! Like in that movie Kuch Kuch Hota Hai that came out in the 90's- for those that have seen it - it reminded me of the guy I dated in college. Not the actual storyline - but the fact that he goes on and gets married and years go by and she doesn't. He has a kid and when the kids like 8, the wife dies. And eventually the 2 of them get together. Now before you think I'm crazy - I never wanted the guy who I dated in college - his wife to die!!! It was just the overall storyline of her being single for a really long time afer and them eventually getting back together. Of course that never crosses my mind now when I see the movie - it was just when it came out because it was relevant then. So anyway, now here I am watching this movie, remembering Eagle...the only real male "best friend" I feel like I've ever had. Not so much the whole maybe one day we'll end up together bit (ok, it did cross my mind) - but more so about the friendship they shared in the movie.
I came home and emailed him - nothing sappy, just a few sentences saying how this movie reminded me of the friendship we had had and that I was happy and hoped he was too...and a few thing along those lines (no need for all the details), nothing super serious.
Well, after I sent the email (of course its after - otherwise where would all the drama from my life come from???!!) I decided to click back on that link where he posts all his pictures online. He hadn't logged into the shaadi website for days until a few days ago so it had me wondering if he had gone on another trip. Well I dont think Eagle realizes that everyone can see all the pictures he posts (not just the link he sends them) because he had 2 sets of pictures posted from a recent trip ----- one without people in it ---- and the other with him and that girl he was telling me about the last night I spoke to him on the phone - the one he seemed really into. 448 pictures in that one album(!)...and I looked at almost all of them. pictures of them driving in the car together, at the beach, at restaurants, in a vineyard or something like that, on a sailboat, in their hotel room, etc. etc. etc. she is skinny, just like he told me he likes them. i didnt think she was all that but well, ok, i have to admit, she does look pretty in some of the pictures, dresses nice and they both seemed happy. enough pictures with their arms around each other so i guess so!
I sent a one sentence email follow-up to Eagle that said "P.S. totally forgot to say glad things worked out for you =)" he'll wonder what i mean or how i know, but thank God i hadnt written anything sappy at all in my email - so this totally made sense! It was the best i could do to make it all super casual after seeing those pics.
Eagle had said she was moving in August or so, not that far but she didnt want long distance - is this his summer fling? When there's feelings involved distance doesnt always matter I would think. Or maybe it does - why else is he still logging into shaadi?? Who knows. I can't really say I'm sad. Surprised - yes. Wish it was me? Maybe. Feeling sick to my stomach like I wasnt pretty enough - most definetly. Frustrated that I'm not doing the same things with someone thats really into me - absolutely.
The part that gets me is that these past 2 months I have been trying my hardest to move on and put all this behind me, and he's been vacationing around with his "girlfriend". I didnt expect him to have to get over me at all - he was never into me. I guess I just wished that on some level, he missed me too. I guess he never had time to do that either since he's completely preoccupied with this girl. Anyway, its good to have these images plastered all over my brain for awhile - i've been doing a pretty good job trying to move on, this was the final push. It's still going to be hard to not think of Eagle when I see "best friend" movies like I did tonight, not until someone else can take that place...but I have a feeling after today, he's not going to be the person that keeps popping into my mind. I think I'm going to revert back to that guy without a face... the one I've been waiting for.....the one that's finally going to love me, and only me....
I came home and emailed him - nothing sappy, just a few sentences saying how this movie reminded me of the friendship we had had and that I was happy and hoped he was too...and a few thing along those lines (no need for all the details), nothing super serious.
Well, after I sent the email (of course its after - otherwise where would all the drama from my life come from???!!) I decided to click back on that link where he posts all his pictures online. He hadn't logged into the shaadi website for days until a few days ago so it had me wondering if he had gone on another trip. Well I dont think Eagle realizes that everyone can see all the pictures he posts (not just the link he sends them) because he had 2 sets of pictures posted from a recent trip ----- one without people in it ---- and the other with him and that girl he was telling me about the last night I spoke to him on the phone - the one he seemed really into. 448 pictures in that one album(!)...and I looked at almost all of them. pictures of them driving in the car together, at the beach, at restaurants, in a vineyard or something like that, on a sailboat, in their hotel room, etc. etc. etc. she is skinny, just like he told me he likes them. i didnt think she was all that but well, ok, i have to admit, she does look pretty in some of the pictures, dresses nice and they both seemed happy. enough pictures with their arms around each other so i guess so!
I sent a one sentence email follow-up to Eagle that said "P.S. totally forgot to say glad things worked out for you =)" he'll wonder what i mean or how i know, but thank God i hadnt written anything sappy at all in my email - so this totally made sense! It was the best i could do to make it all super casual after seeing those pics.
Eagle had said she was moving in August or so, not that far but she didnt want long distance - is this his summer fling? When there's feelings involved distance doesnt always matter I would think. Or maybe it does - why else is he still logging into shaadi?? Who knows. I can't really say I'm sad. Surprised - yes. Wish it was me? Maybe. Feeling sick to my stomach like I wasnt pretty enough - most definetly. Frustrated that I'm not doing the same things with someone thats really into me - absolutely.
The part that gets me is that these past 2 months I have been trying my hardest to move on and put all this behind me, and he's been vacationing around with his "girlfriend". I didnt expect him to have to get over me at all - he was never into me. I guess I just wished that on some level, he missed me too. I guess he never had time to do that either since he's completely preoccupied with this girl. Anyway, its good to have these images plastered all over my brain for awhile - i've been doing a pretty good job trying to move on, this was the final push. It's still going to be hard to not think of Eagle when I see "best friend" movies like I did tonight, not until someone else can take that place...but I have a feeling after today, he's not going to be the person that keeps popping into my mind. I think I'm going to revert back to that guy without a face... the one I've been waiting for.....the one that's finally going to love me, and only me....
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Date With Delaware
I've been talking to Delaware for sometime now - almost 2 months. When we first talked, he reminded me that he had contacted me a few years ago and I had never responded - he wanted to know why I have now, what stopped me before and what's changed since. I have/had my reasons, but wasn't willing to share them...I don't think I am even willing to share them here. What I will share is that there are 3 things about him that are different than what I thought I was open to - he is 5'7, he's Patel, and he's not vegetarian. Completely not 'what i've been looking for'.
I immediately liked that he was consistent about wanting to get to know me, especially his text messages letting me know he was going to call me on a particular night. Our conversations have been very nice - I was immediately drawn to how close he was to his cousins, how much they hung out together and vacationed with one another - very similar to my own family. Plus he loves doing things around the house, working with his hands, and has an adventurous side (I am starting to see a pattern here with my being drawn to guys who like to be out and about!)
Two weeks ago he asked me if I was free - he wanted to take me to a Russell Peters show in Atlantic City. How sweet! However I wasn't around that weekend. I told him I was going to pass through Delaware on Sunday and if it wasn't too late, maybe he & I could meet up. And so we did! We talked on my drive and made plans on where we would go for dinner.
He actually lives at home with his parents right now (they weren't home). I pulled up to his house and he was going to drive to dinner so I parked my car and got out. I saw him standing by his car, and he was bigger than I thought he was going to be (not big fat, big as in bigger built) - and he was cute :) I always tend to notice a guy's lips...and I guess when I do actually notice them, well its a good thing! We got in his car and conversation was easy, just flowed. We were going to Don Pablo's for dinner (I picked the place - I was so excited since there isn't one in my area!) I kept thinking how easy it was to talk to Delaware, especially compared to Mr. Africa. Delaware waited for me when we got out of the car and opened all the doors - again, couldn't help but think how I was practically running behind Mr. Africa to keep up just the night before. Delaware was a gentleman, I liked that.
Dinner was nice - he did order a chicken dish but well, oh well. I always do like when a guy knows I'm vegetarian and offers to eat vegetarian the first time he meets me. Then again, we weren't eating anything we could have shared. We talked about a lot of things - though the first topic I could tell was going to be touchy. He was telling me how his parents were at a wedding and asked me what the largest wedding was that I had ever been to. I said 650-700 people, that it was a Patel wedding. He tells me his cousin's wedding was 1,500 people!! What?!!! I said I couldn't even imagine, nor would want, something that big - that how could you know so many people, that anyone you havent talked to in 12 months shouldn't even be invited. He said he has a really large family and then there is all those people you are obligated to invite, especially people from the same gham. I said I dont really get the whole gham thing (I really don't!). He told me the food alone at his cousin's wedding, for the few days - that the girl paid $80,000 - just for the food!!! I think I just stared in shock, thinking no way in hell would I ever want that nor put my family through something like that. But like I said, I could see this conversation not going in a good direction, so I switched the topic. Everything from there on was smmoth - he showed me some pics on his new i-phone from a recent trip he had just taken with his cousins. After dinner was over, we drove back to his house, and again we talked the entire way - he's really into cars so we discussed a bunch of them. I know I keep saying we talked, but I guess I was just noticing it more because of the silences from the previous night.
When we got to his house he asked me if I wanted to come in. I did go in to use the bathroom since I still had a ways to go to get home. He has a very nice house. Then he asked me if I wanted to take some bottled water for the road or some pepsi - anything. I kindly declined and then he said ok, I'll walk you out. He walked me out, we hugged goodbye, he told me to let him know when I got home and then he waited there until I got in the car and actually drove away. Now this is what I am talking about!! This is nice. Delaware is a gentleman, I really like that.
I texted him when I got home and thanked him for dinner. He replied back saying he was glad I made it home safe and about dinner...anytime. I sent back a smiley face :)
It seems that he's interested? Right? I guess now we wait and see if he calls! I am talking to other people and will be making plans to meet them, but Delaware is def someone I would go out with again....I guess you just never know, huh? :)
I immediately liked that he was consistent about wanting to get to know me, especially his text messages letting me know he was going to call me on a particular night. Our conversations have been very nice - I was immediately drawn to how close he was to his cousins, how much they hung out together and vacationed with one another - very similar to my own family. Plus he loves doing things around the house, working with his hands, and has an adventurous side (I am starting to see a pattern here with my being drawn to guys who like to be out and about!)
Two weeks ago he asked me if I was free - he wanted to take me to a Russell Peters show in Atlantic City. How sweet! However I wasn't around that weekend. I told him I was going to pass through Delaware on Sunday and if it wasn't too late, maybe he & I could meet up. And so we did! We talked on my drive and made plans on where we would go for dinner.
He actually lives at home with his parents right now (they weren't home). I pulled up to his house and he was going to drive to dinner so I parked my car and got out. I saw him standing by his car, and he was bigger than I thought he was going to be (not big fat, big as in bigger built) - and he was cute :) I always tend to notice a guy's lips...and I guess when I do actually notice them, well its a good thing! We got in his car and conversation was easy, just flowed. We were going to Don Pablo's for dinner (I picked the place - I was so excited since there isn't one in my area!) I kept thinking how easy it was to talk to Delaware, especially compared to Mr. Africa. Delaware waited for me when we got out of the car and opened all the doors - again, couldn't help but think how I was practically running behind Mr. Africa to keep up just the night before. Delaware was a gentleman, I liked that.
Dinner was nice - he did order a chicken dish but well, oh well. I always do like when a guy knows I'm vegetarian and offers to eat vegetarian the first time he meets me. Then again, we weren't eating anything we could have shared. We talked about a lot of things - though the first topic I could tell was going to be touchy. He was telling me how his parents were at a wedding and asked me what the largest wedding was that I had ever been to. I said 650-700 people, that it was a Patel wedding. He tells me his cousin's wedding was 1,500 people!! What?!!! I said I couldn't even imagine, nor would want, something that big - that how could you know so many people, that anyone you havent talked to in 12 months shouldn't even be invited. He said he has a really large family and then there is all those people you are obligated to invite, especially people from the same gham. I said I dont really get the whole gham thing (I really don't!). He told me the food alone at his cousin's wedding, for the few days - that the girl paid $80,000 - just for the food!!! I think I just stared in shock, thinking no way in hell would I ever want that nor put my family through something like that. But like I said, I could see this conversation not going in a good direction, so I switched the topic. Everything from there on was smmoth - he showed me some pics on his new i-phone from a recent trip he had just taken with his cousins. After dinner was over, we drove back to his house, and again we talked the entire way - he's really into cars so we discussed a bunch of them. I know I keep saying we talked, but I guess I was just noticing it more because of the silences from the previous night.
When we got to his house he asked me if I wanted to come in. I did go in to use the bathroom since I still had a ways to go to get home. He has a very nice house. Then he asked me if I wanted to take some bottled water for the road or some pepsi - anything. I kindly declined and then he said ok, I'll walk you out. He walked me out, we hugged goodbye, he told me to let him know when I got home and then he waited there until I got in the car and actually drove away. Now this is what I am talking about!! This is nice. Delaware is a gentleman, I really like that.
I texted him when I got home and thanked him for dinner. He replied back saying he was glad I made it home safe and about dinner...anytime. I sent back a smiley face :)
It seems that he's interested? Right? I guess now we wait and see if he calls! I am talking to other people and will be making plans to meet them, but Delaware is def someone I would go out with again....I guess you just never know, huh? :)
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Date With Mr. Africa
I first "met" Mr. Africa only 11 days ago. When I first saw his profile online, I was intrigued by his adventurous side...and he was tall, and built and good looking! Wow. So what that he is here on a work permit. I know, this is me saying that - considering I won't talk to guys from India that weren't brought up here. But like I said, I was intrigued by this guy from Zambia. His whole family was either in Africa or the UK - and that to me was very cool - so different from myself and my life.
We exchanged emails and actually ended up chatting online while we were both at work. We actually ended up chatting for hours that one day - and I remember thinking, wow, I could like this guy. I got excited and sent him my phone number, looking forward to talking to him. A few more emails and chats later, we had our first conversation. I was absolultely surprised that he was quiet - I mean online he was 'talking' so much that I had a complete different picture painted in my head. We still ended up talking for 2 hours, but it was mostly me taking the initiative to bring up different topics, etc. So I was a bit disappointed when I got off the phone (only because I guess I had different expectations for the conversation), but still wanting to meet Mr. Africa.
I was not thrilled that I felt like I was making all of the effort here, but I remember someone telling me that at this point in my life, no more games, that I should initiate and get things rolling - and after the first date it was up to the guy to show interest. So I took that advice, and asked him if he wanted to meet up and he said he would love to. Ok, great! We spent another day chatting for hours from work and I started thinking ok, maybe I got him all wrong on the phone...he would have these one line zingers out of nowhere that were so funny....
He called me on Saturday afternoon and again...he wasn't really saying much. I am totally thrown off now - is he quiet? Shy? Comfortable online but not on the phone? Anyway we talked for a little while on the phone as I drove to my brother's place (he lived in the next town over), joking about what we were going to do on our date (I did make him plan it, he needed to do something here!)
I was running an hour late, as usual! He came to pick me up and the first thing I noticed was that he has an earring. Oh, ok. He was not bad looking, nice build...but a little different somehow from his picture (like his face was more gaunt if that makes sense). I got in the car and he was like you look different than your picture! I asked him if that was a good thing or a bad thing and he said it was a good thing and smiled. So I guess that's a good thing :) He had his ipod headphones on as we started driving away and I just sat there for a minute wondering if he was going to just listen to music and not talk to me while we drove! I was completely thrown off. But then after 2 minutes he took them off and said he had it hooked up to his i-phone and was using it as his hands-free. Phew! We had a bit of a drive to D.C. and I remember thinking hmmm is this drive going to be in silence?! It actually wasn't so bad....he told me about the towns we were passing and we're both pretty adventurous so he talked about things to do around the area.
We got to DC, parked the car in a garage, and walked over to this Tapas place for dinner. I really appreciated that we were both vegetarian - its always so nice when you can share food and not be disgusted by what someone esle may be eating! We ordered sangria and our food was absolutely delicious. There were moments of silence and there were times when I sat there wondering if there was any chemistry. I don't know? The conversation we had wasn't bad, but it wasn't the kind you have when you just click with someone. I asked him why he thought I looked different than my picture and he said it was my hair - but that it looked nice. Well...I was having a good hair day :) but it made me laugh thinking that anyone could like my hair! :)
After dinner we walked around looking for a dessert place. I found it very strange that he kept walking ahead of me - I know he was a lot taller and probably had a longer stride and I had heels on, but he never slowed down. At times I felt like I was following way behind him! There was no opening doors beforehand or any of that other gentleman-y stuff, but the walking ahead of me was just plain wierd. We found this ice cream place and unfortunately there really wasn't anywhere to sit down, all the tables were taken. So we stood and ate....mostly in silence! At this point I was feeling like maybe there just is no chemistry here? But I was still trying to keep an open mind.
After our dessert, we got back in the car and headed home. I got us lost so we had a good time laughing about that for awhile. But again, there were times in the drive where it was just silent. At this point, I didn't care - it was past 1am and I kind of just wanted to get home. It's funny because before the date I had even grabbed a movie with me thinking if the date went well, I'd invite him over to watch a movie or something so we could hang out longer. When he pulled up to my brother's place I felt like I should invite him in (at least offer), so I did (in a roundabout way) and he just shook his head no. Hmmm, ok! No because it was my brother's place and he didnt want to intrude, or no because he actually wasn't interested in me (could that be?!) I thanked him for dinner, gave him a hug goodbye and left.
As I got into bed, I remember thinking that I would feel bad if he didn't call me or get in touch with me again. Only because I think at some point it starts hurting your ego....but at the same time, to be honest, I also wasn't excited about him. Not like I thought I would be. Would I go out with him again? Yes - because sometimes you just never know....and I've heard too often how sometimes people just don't hit it off until the 2nd or 3rd date. Even though i'm not "excited", there was enough there to give it another chance if that opportunity presented itself...just one more chance though, not sure I would keep pushing it if the 2nd time around was just like this one.
So this experience, this date, was a reminder to me (again) of how important it is to meet people right away. Sometimes you click with someone online, sometimes on the phone...but ultimately the only thing that matters is in person. Its a good thing I made meeting him happen so fast - now I need to do that with the other guys I'm talking to....
We exchanged emails and actually ended up chatting online while we were both at work. We actually ended up chatting for hours that one day - and I remember thinking, wow, I could like this guy. I got excited and sent him my phone number, looking forward to talking to him. A few more emails and chats later, we had our first conversation. I was absolultely surprised that he was quiet - I mean online he was 'talking' so much that I had a complete different picture painted in my head. We still ended up talking for 2 hours, but it was mostly me taking the initiative to bring up different topics, etc. So I was a bit disappointed when I got off the phone (only because I guess I had different expectations for the conversation), but still wanting to meet Mr. Africa.
I was not thrilled that I felt like I was making all of the effort here, but I remember someone telling me that at this point in my life, no more games, that I should initiate and get things rolling - and after the first date it was up to the guy to show interest. So I took that advice, and asked him if he wanted to meet up and he said he would love to. Ok, great! We spent another day chatting for hours from work and I started thinking ok, maybe I got him all wrong on the phone...he would have these one line zingers out of nowhere that were so funny....
He called me on Saturday afternoon and again...he wasn't really saying much. I am totally thrown off now - is he quiet? Shy? Comfortable online but not on the phone? Anyway we talked for a little while on the phone as I drove to my brother's place (he lived in the next town over), joking about what we were going to do on our date (I did make him plan it, he needed to do something here!)
I was running an hour late, as usual! He came to pick me up and the first thing I noticed was that he has an earring. Oh, ok. He was not bad looking, nice build...but a little different somehow from his picture (like his face was more gaunt if that makes sense). I got in the car and he was like you look different than your picture! I asked him if that was a good thing or a bad thing and he said it was a good thing and smiled. So I guess that's a good thing :) He had his ipod headphones on as we started driving away and I just sat there for a minute wondering if he was going to just listen to music and not talk to me while we drove! I was completely thrown off. But then after 2 minutes he took them off and said he had it hooked up to his i-phone and was using it as his hands-free. Phew! We had a bit of a drive to D.C. and I remember thinking hmmm is this drive going to be in silence?! It actually wasn't so bad....he told me about the towns we were passing and we're both pretty adventurous so he talked about things to do around the area.
We got to DC, parked the car in a garage, and walked over to this Tapas place for dinner. I really appreciated that we were both vegetarian - its always so nice when you can share food and not be disgusted by what someone esle may be eating! We ordered sangria and our food was absolutely delicious. There were moments of silence and there were times when I sat there wondering if there was any chemistry. I don't know? The conversation we had wasn't bad, but it wasn't the kind you have when you just click with someone. I asked him why he thought I looked different than my picture and he said it was my hair - but that it looked nice. Well...I was having a good hair day :) but it made me laugh thinking that anyone could like my hair! :)
After dinner we walked around looking for a dessert place. I found it very strange that he kept walking ahead of me - I know he was a lot taller and probably had a longer stride and I had heels on, but he never slowed down. At times I felt like I was following way behind him! There was no opening doors beforehand or any of that other gentleman-y stuff, but the walking ahead of me was just plain wierd. We found this ice cream place and unfortunately there really wasn't anywhere to sit down, all the tables were taken. So we stood and ate....mostly in silence! At this point I was feeling like maybe there just is no chemistry here? But I was still trying to keep an open mind.
After our dessert, we got back in the car and headed home. I got us lost so we had a good time laughing about that for awhile. But again, there were times in the drive where it was just silent. At this point, I didn't care - it was past 1am and I kind of just wanted to get home. It's funny because before the date I had even grabbed a movie with me thinking if the date went well, I'd invite him over to watch a movie or something so we could hang out longer. When he pulled up to my brother's place I felt like I should invite him in (at least offer), so I did (in a roundabout way) and he just shook his head no. Hmmm, ok! No because it was my brother's place and he didnt want to intrude, or no because he actually wasn't interested in me (could that be?!) I thanked him for dinner, gave him a hug goodbye and left.
As I got into bed, I remember thinking that I would feel bad if he didn't call me or get in touch with me again. Only because I think at some point it starts hurting your ego....but at the same time, to be honest, I also wasn't excited about him. Not like I thought I would be. Would I go out with him again? Yes - because sometimes you just never know....and I've heard too often how sometimes people just don't hit it off until the 2nd or 3rd date. Even though i'm not "excited", there was enough there to give it another chance if that opportunity presented itself...just one more chance though, not sure I would keep pushing it if the 2nd time around was just like this one.
So this experience, this date, was a reminder to me (again) of how important it is to meet people right away. Sometimes you click with someone online, sometimes on the phone...but ultimately the only thing that matters is in person. Its a good thing I made meeting him happen so fast - now I need to do that with the other guys I'm talking to....
Friday, July 18, 2008
Trying So Hard To Move On...
It's been a while since I've posted an update, I do have dates I need to write about...but today, I just wanted to share that I am really, really trying to move on - but its not as easy as I wish it would be. Time heals all, I know that, but time seems to be going so slowly.
I don't talk about Eagle anymore, and I ask others not to talk about him either. But in the moments of silence, when I am alone with my thoughts, he crosses my mind often - sometimes the smallest things trigger his memory and the pain of that loss is still very deep and I constantly find myself holding back tears. Tonight I remembered a link he had sent me to his online photos when we first met, and I found that link and clicked on it...and saw two new albums posted with pictures from his summer. I clicked on the link and felt this pang in my heart - I sat here and looked at the pictures, wanting to smile, trying hard not to get upset. I signed up for updates so I can see the next album he posts. I know I shouldn't have done that - the pain is too real still, I am going to delete the update request as soon as I am done writing this. It's just that never in my life have I had a best friend like him before - not even with guys I've dated or that were my boyfriend. I am sure those feelings were magnified because I fell in love with him. Do I ever cross Eagle's mind? Does he wonder how I am doing? Does he feel my loss the way I feel his?
I pray, I really do, that all these guys I am talking to and meeting right now - that one of them will show me that I just think Eagle was my best friend. I want someone to show me that I have it all wrong. That I don't even know what the meaning of best friend is until I experience it with him. God, I hope this happens. It has to happen - Eagle cannot be the ultimate 'best friend' experience I am suppose to have!
It's only been about 6 weeks, so its not surprising that its all still so fresh and painful - but I am doing everything in my power to try and meet someone else and refocus my attention and energy. Everyone that knows me well knows I am the ultimate optimist - I must be to still believe in love, even after all my experiences. But sometimes its just hard to keep that smile on my face when my heart is so full of disappointment...
I don't talk about Eagle anymore, and I ask others not to talk about him either. But in the moments of silence, when I am alone with my thoughts, he crosses my mind often - sometimes the smallest things trigger his memory and the pain of that loss is still very deep and I constantly find myself holding back tears. Tonight I remembered a link he had sent me to his online photos when we first met, and I found that link and clicked on it...and saw two new albums posted with pictures from his summer. I clicked on the link and felt this pang in my heart - I sat here and looked at the pictures, wanting to smile, trying hard not to get upset. I signed up for updates so I can see the next album he posts. I know I shouldn't have done that - the pain is too real still, I am going to delete the update request as soon as I am done writing this. It's just that never in my life have I had a best friend like him before - not even with guys I've dated or that were my boyfriend. I am sure those feelings were magnified because I fell in love with him. Do I ever cross Eagle's mind? Does he wonder how I am doing? Does he feel my loss the way I feel his?
I pray, I really do, that all these guys I am talking to and meeting right now - that one of them will show me that I just think Eagle was my best friend. I want someone to show me that I have it all wrong. That I don't even know what the meaning of best friend is until I experience it with him. God, I hope this happens. It has to happen - Eagle cannot be the ultimate 'best friend' experience I am suppose to have!
It's only been about 6 weeks, so its not surprising that its all still so fresh and painful - but I am doing everything in my power to try and meet someone else and refocus my attention and energy. Everyone that knows me well knows I am the ultimate optimist - I must be to still believe in love, even after all my experiences. But sometimes its just hard to keep that smile on my face when my heart is so full of disappointment...
Sunday, June 15, 2008
A Hard Day Got Even Harder
So the morning started off with the news about the cousin getting engaged...and the evening ended with going to Eagle's town for dinner! Don't ask how or why...its just where the restaurant was chosen, people coming in from different places and it was central location. In my entire life, we haven't gone to this town for dinner...yet today, it's where we ended up.
Every memory I have of that place is linked to Eagle - I only know it as his town. We've hung out at his place there, walked around there, eaten at restaurants around there, driven around there, he's shown me properties he owns around there. I kept wondering if I was going to run into him. Silly as it sounds, I even changed into this cute dress I bought today just in case I ran into him (at the very least I wanted to make sure I looked good).
My mom was in the car with me. As we pulled into the town, she asked me about Eagle, if I had heard from him. I told her no, that I wouldn't since I asked him not to contact me (well I didn't exactly say that to him but you know what I mean). And she was like so he just used you and now doesn't even call. He always wanted to go places with you and now nothing. I told her I didnt feel used, he had said from the beginning he wasn't serious about just us being together. But he was already on my mind, and now we were talking about him - ugh.
When we were at the restaurant, every single time the door opened my eyes darted to it, I think I may have even subconsicously held my breath. My two year old neice wanted to go outside every once in awhile and I took her - my eyes were constantly searching around me to see if he was nearby.
As we were leaving, everyone was talking about how nice this town was becoming. I said this is where I might end up living if I find a new job in that area. Few more months still until that could happen and I have to believe that I won't be so anxious anymore about running into Eagle, especially if the area becomes my home too. Though I am sure initially it will be on my mind, how could it not?
I know, its only been two weeks, and as hard as I am trying to move on and meet other people, enough time has not gone by for all of this not to affect me the way it did. I don't know if I left disappointed that I didn't run into him. But I definetly have left with a heavier heart.
What a day :(
Every memory I have of that place is linked to Eagle - I only know it as his town. We've hung out at his place there, walked around there, eaten at restaurants around there, driven around there, he's shown me properties he owns around there. I kept wondering if I was going to run into him. Silly as it sounds, I even changed into this cute dress I bought today just in case I ran into him (at the very least I wanted to make sure I looked good).
My mom was in the car with me. As we pulled into the town, she asked me about Eagle, if I had heard from him. I told her no, that I wouldn't since I asked him not to contact me (well I didn't exactly say that to him but you know what I mean). And she was like so he just used you and now doesn't even call. He always wanted to go places with you and now nothing. I told her I didnt feel used, he had said from the beginning he wasn't serious about just us being together. But he was already on my mind, and now we were talking about him - ugh.
When we were at the restaurant, every single time the door opened my eyes darted to it, I think I may have even subconsicously held my breath. My two year old neice wanted to go outside every once in awhile and I took her - my eyes were constantly searching around me to see if he was nearby.
As we were leaving, everyone was talking about how nice this town was becoming. I said this is where I might end up living if I find a new job in that area. Few more months still until that could happen and I have to believe that I won't be so anxious anymore about running into Eagle, especially if the area becomes my home too. Though I am sure initially it will be on my mind, how could it not?
I know, its only been two weeks, and as hard as I am trying to move on and meet other people, enough time has not gone by for all of this not to affect me the way it did. I don't know if I left disappointed that I didn't run into him. But I definetly have left with a heavier heart.
What a day :(
Good News...That Feels Bad...
We got the message this morning...another cousin in India, engaged. This one should make me happy - she's 5 or 6 years younger than me, and has been "looking" for almost as long as I have. So I know exactly how she's been feeling, I know how depressed she's gotten at times - not finding anyone she likes, guys rejecting her, the disappointment and stress her parents feel. So I should be super happy for her, right? I should be...and I will be...once the pit in my stomach is gone, once that feeling of "and here I am, still alone" subsides.
Maybe arranged marriages aren't so bad, at least she'll be a "Mrs." in just one month's time. I can only imagine the bliss that she's feeling right now, how happy her parents must be. While we are all happy for her, I can't avoid the sadness in my own mom's eyes, wondering when she'll be able to share news like this about her own daughter.
I might actually be in India for work during the time of the wedding. That part makes me sigh out loud - another wedding, another room full of people wondering why I am still single, what is wrong with me, asking me when its going to be my turn. I dread it. I almost wish the dates of my trip don't conicide with the wedding - how awful is that?! I wish more than anything that I could be jumping up and down in joy for my cousin right now, excited that I will be able to attend her wedding....because if the situation was reversed, I know she would do that for me.
Of course I will go to her wedding if I am there, and be super happy for her because she truly deserves it - I only know too well what these last few years have been like for her. She is an amazing person and has a bigger heart than most people I know, I truly am happy that she has found happiness. I have to have hope that one day I, and my family, will get to experience the joy she is feeling right now. To know that things will finally work out.
But today, for one day, I am sad for me.
Maybe arranged marriages aren't so bad, at least she'll be a "Mrs." in just one month's time. I can only imagine the bliss that she's feeling right now, how happy her parents must be. While we are all happy for her, I can't avoid the sadness in my own mom's eyes, wondering when she'll be able to share news like this about her own daughter.
I might actually be in India for work during the time of the wedding. That part makes me sigh out loud - another wedding, another room full of people wondering why I am still single, what is wrong with me, asking me when its going to be my turn. I dread it. I almost wish the dates of my trip don't conicide with the wedding - how awful is that?! I wish more than anything that I could be jumping up and down in joy for my cousin right now, excited that I will be able to attend her wedding....because if the situation was reversed, I know she would do that for me.
Of course I will go to her wedding if I am there, and be super happy for her because she truly deserves it - I only know too well what these last few years have been like for her. She is an amazing person and has a bigger heart than most people I know, I truly am happy that she has found happiness. I have to have hope that one day I, and my family, will get to experience the joy she is feeling right now. To know that things will finally work out.
But today, for one day, I am sad for me.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Date With Mr. New Jersey
Tonight I had a date with Mr. New Jersey. I actually thought he was kinda cute in his picture, in a dorky sort of way because of his glasses...and for once, I was looking forward to meeting someone! We had chatted online twice, both times the conversation good. And when I called him to finalize when we were meeting, my voice even got squeaky and I realized I was nervous. All good signs :)
He came to pick me up at my place, very nice. His beamer wasn't so bad either :) (oh, by the way, i completely forgot to bring shoes for my date - but I improvised with shoes i usually wear with indian clothes! these things only seem to happen to me!) He got out of the car and shook my hand and said nice to meet you. A gentleman (though I'm a total hugger, but this was nice). First thing I noticed was his smile, very nice. He's 2-3 years younger than me, 6 feet tall and pretty slim/thin (yes, that makes me even fatter but we'll just let that go for now). He told me he was thinking minature golf and dinner...but it started to rain as we were driving so we had to scratch the mini golf. We had about a 45 minute drive so we talked a lot in the car. I asked him about his car and how I've been trying to figure out what I want...and he told me how he ordered his car and went to Germany to pick it up - how cool is that! He grew up in India but has been in the U.S. since high school - in fact, we went to the same high school, what a small world! I asked him if he missed India and would he go back...and he said maybe, staying here or moving there both had its pro's and con's - biggest pro of going back is that his family is all there. Hmmm....this is one of the main reasons I don't really talk to guys from India - they always want to go back and honestly, I just can't see myself settling there. But I decided to keep an open mind for the rest of the night, you never know.
Dinner was nice. We decided to sit outside under a tent while it was raining - I've never done that before, it actually created a nice ambiance. Conversation was good the entire time, no awkward moments. I don't know if there were any sparks right off the bat, but I did find him to be good looking and I remember thinking to myself that this would be a guy I could see myself going out with again. Here is a guy who seems like a true decent human being.
After dinner we went to a bar. It was raining out and my magenta umbrella was so tiny that it only covered half of the both of us! This led to frizzy crazy hair, but I guess it wasn't horrific. We talked about our travels and he told me how he went bunjee jumping in Costa Rica and how he's been sky diving and enjoys rafting and skiing. He's on a volleyball league - pretty cool, I like active guys. And then we got into this conversation about which is better - NJ or NY. He kept saying that he didn't think NJ was all that great but felt the need to counter every point I made about how great NY was. So I started calling him Mr. New Jersey as a joke...and thus his name.
On the drive home he asked if I wanted to go out anywhere else. Our date had already lasted 5 hours so I guess that's a good sign that he's interested? Neither of us actually said anything about getting together another time when I got out of the car - I thanked him for dinner and he said it was nice meeting me. We had the awkward hug that people sitting in cars exchange and then he waited until I got in the house before driving away. So I guess we will see!
I wouldn't be 100% honest if I didn't admit that Eagle crossed my mind more than once tonight. I guess its only human - to compare. But I did my best to leave it out of the above. And hopefully the comparisons will decrease with time. And only time will tell if Mr. New Jersey and I have sparks and how I feel about the whole India thing and if this could go somewhere...
In the meantime, I am talking to a few other guys as well - so stay tuned for more dates to hopefully come soon :)
He came to pick me up at my place, very nice. His beamer wasn't so bad either :) (oh, by the way, i completely forgot to bring shoes for my date - but I improvised with shoes i usually wear with indian clothes! these things only seem to happen to me!) He got out of the car and shook my hand and said nice to meet you. A gentleman (though I'm a total hugger, but this was nice). First thing I noticed was his smile, very nice. He's 2-3 years younger than me, 6 feet tall and pretty slim/thin (yes, that makes me even fatter but we'll just let that go for now). He told me he was thinking minature golf and dinner...but it started to rain as we were driving so we had to scratch the mini golf. We had about a 45 minute drive so we talked a lot in the car. I asked him about his car and how I've been trying to figure out what I want...and he told me how he ordered his car and went to Germany to pick it up - how cool is that! He grew up in India but has been in the U.S. since high school - in fact, we went to the same high school, what a small world! I asked him if he missed India and would he go back...and he said maybe, staying here or moving there both had its pro's and con's - biggest pro of going back is that his family is all there. Hmmm....this is one of the main reasons I don't really talk to guys from India - they always want to go back and honestly, I just can't see myself settling there. But I decided to keep an open mind for the rest of the night, you never know.
Dinner was nice. We decided to sit outside under a tent while it was raining - I've never done that before, it actually created a nice ambiance. Conversation was good the entire time, no awkward moments. I don't know if there were any sparks right off the bat, but I did find him to be good looking and I remember thinking to myself that this would be a guy I could see myself going out with again. Here is a guy who seems like a true decent human being.
After dinner we went to a bar. It was raining out and my magenta umbrella was so tiny that it only covered half of the both of us! This led to frizzy crazy hair, but I guess it wasn't horrific. We talked about our travels and he told me how he went bunjee jumping in Costa Rica and how he's been sky diving and enjoys rafting and skiing. He's on a volleyball league - pretty cool, I like active guys. And then we got into this conversation about which is better - NJ or NY. He kept saying that he didn't think NJ was all that great but felt the need to counter every point I made about how great NY was. So I started calling him Mr. New Jersey as a joke...and thus his name.
On the drive home he asked if I wanted to go out anywhere else. Our date had already lasted 5 hours so I guess that's a good sign that he's interested? Neither of us actually said anything about getting together another time when I got out of the car - I thanked him for dinner and he said it was nice meeting me. We had the awkward hug that people sitting in cars exchange and then he waited until I got in the house before driving away. So I guess we will see!
I wouldn't be 100% honest if I didn't admit that Eagle crossed my mind more than once tonight. I guess its only human - to compare. But I did my best to leave it out of the above. And hopefully the comparisons will decrease with time. And only time will tell if Mr. New Jersey and I have sparks and how I feel about the whole India thing and if this could go somewhere...
In the meantime, I am talking to a few other guys as well - so stay tuned for more dates to hopefully come soon :)
Friday, June 13, 2008
In Withdrawal (The End of Eagle)
The day after I posted my last blog, I cried all the way to work. At first, I didn't understand why I was crying. And then I realized, I had to say goodbye to Eagle, goodbye to my best friend. This one sided love affair couldn't go on anymore. As I sat at my desk, I continued to cry. This was going to be a lot harder than even I had imagined. I did it fast, as quick as I could - I emailed him - I told him that the truth was that I was in love with my best friend, and I had to walk away. We have spent 6 months talking to each other for hours practically every night, and it had become that my days didn't feel complete until I had spoken to him...and I let him know as much. I thanked him for the past 6 months and thanked God for bringing so much joy into my life. I didn't get a response to my email, nor have I heard from him since...but I guess I didn't expect to.
So cold turkey - just like that - it was over. The "withdrawal" phase has not been easy. Breaking up with someone is one thing...having to let go of someone that had become like your best friend, that's a whole different ball game. After that first day, I haven't cried over it. That doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt like hell sometimes.
The practical side of me is really starting to realize that Eagle is not the type of guy I want to end up with and its good that this happened - he is such a charmer and I don't really trust him, in fact I know I would always have issues trusting him. He's a player. And I got played. Simple as that. Players are always honest - tell you exactly what they think, how many people they are seeing...and yet because they are so good at what they do, they do all of this in a manner that still makes you feel special and want to stick around because maybe, just maybe, you'll be that girl he really wants to be with. And that's where it gets complicated...because the practical side of me knows this is for the best...and the emotional side of me misses the attention he gave me and the way we just laughed together all the time. Most of all, I miss the friendship, a lot. But I know underneath the friendship that I miss, I always wanted more. And more is never going to happen. So I keep trying to tell myself that any guy I like, that likes me back - we'll have that kind of friendship, except it will actually mean something, it will be even better than what I had with Eagle. Because with Eagle there is no trust.
Part of me wonders if one day he'll realize what we had, will he ever approach me? I pray that if that ever happens, I am in a happy place with someone else so that I don't ever forget how much I don't trust him and get caught up in the moment. But for that, I have this blog to remind me, and all my close friends that will never let it happen. Because the way we get along and the way he makes me laugh would be so tempting to go back to...but the way he made me feel like I was never good enough, or all the insecurities he brought out in me - that is not something I want with me forever after. There absolutely can be no more Eagles in my life.
This is the last weekend of my knowing what Eagle has going on in his life, after this I have no idea what he has planned on his weekends or weekdays. Sure, I have been obsessively checking to see if he's logged into the dating site - gives me little insights into what he's doing. But even that has slowed down these past few days...and I am sure eventually it will stop 100%. We might be going to his town, or near his town, for dinner on Father's Day and I keep wondering if I will run into him. So what if I do? It will be awkward, it will probably even hurt, I'll just have to give a quick smile...and life will go on.
Life always has to go on. It's been years of trying to find someone, years of initial joy thinking this one could be it, years of heartbreaks. Sometimes I think I can't take anymore or that I am going to break. But I have to have faith that all this will be worth it - that this journey I am on is going to be overshadowed one day by the happiness that is waiting for me. Life always has to go on, and so I am moving along, slowly but surely...
So cold turkey - just like that - it was over. The "withdrawal" phase has not been easy. Breaking up with someone is one thing...having to let go of someone that had become like your best friend, that's a whole different ball game. After that first day, I haven't cried over it. That doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt like hell sometimes.
The practical side of me is really starting to realize that Eagle is not the type of guy I want to end up with and its good that this happened - he is such a charmer and I don't really trust him, in fact I know I would always have issues trusting him. He's a player. And I got played. Simple as that. Players are always honest - tell you exactly what they think, how many people they are seeing...and yet because they are so good at what they do, they do all of this in a manner that still makes you feel special and want to stick around because maybe, just maybe, you'll be that girl he really wants to be with. And that's where it gets complicated...because the practical side of me knows this is for the best...and the emotional side of me misses the attention he gave me and the way we just laughed together all the time. Most of all, I miss the friendship, a lot. But I know underneath the friendship that I miss, I always wanted more. And more is never going to happen. So I keep trying to tell myself that any guy I like, that likes me back - we'll have that kind of friendship, except it will actually mean something, it will be even better than what I had with Eagle. Because with Eagle there is no trust.
Part of me wonders if one day he'll realize what we had, will he ever approach me? I pray that if that ever happens, I am in a happy place with someone else so that I don't ever forget how much I don't trust him and get caught up in the moment. But for that, I have this blog to remind me, and all my close friends that will never let it happen. Because the way we get along and the way he makes me laugh would be so tempting to go back to...but the way he made me feel like I was never good enough, or all the insecurities he brought out in me - that is not something I want with me forever after. There absolutely can be no more Eagles in my life.
This is the last weekend of my knowing what Eagle has going on in his life, after this I have no idea what he has planned on his weekends or weekdays. Sure, I have been obsessively checking to see if he's logged into the dating site - gives me little insights into what he's doing. But even that has slowed down these past few days...and I am sure eventually it will stop 100%. We might be going to his town, or near his town, for dinner on Father's Day and I keep wondering if I will run into him. So what if I do? It will be awkward, it will probably even hurt, I'll just have to give a quick smile...and life will go on.
Life always has to go on. It's been years of trying to find someone, years of initial joy thinking this one could be it, years of heartbreaks. Sometimes I think I can't take anymore or that I am going to break. But I have to have faith that all this will be worth it - that this journey I am on is going to be overshadowed one day by the happiness that is waiting for me. Life always has to go on, and so I am moving along, slowly but surely...
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Completely Heartbroken
Funny how a day, an hour, sometimes even just a minute changes everything.
For days now I have been wanting to share updates on Eagle and as I sit here to write this now I realize how what I would have written even 3 hours ago would have been so different than what I am about to write now.
You see, I was going to provide an update on everything that has been going on with Eagle...the conversations we have had, the times we've hung out since the last time I wrote, all the details that suddenly don't mean anything. He got laid off work 2 weeks ago, I was one of the first people he called. I sent him flowers and signed it 'With Love From Your BFF' and he loved them. He gave me a lot of attention that whole week, and I read into every piece of it. He & I went to Atlantic City one night - spent almost 8 hours together - and I walked away feeling even more special. Turns out an an aunty we know is his dad's first cousin and she called my dad and his dad to hook us up. I loved every moment of it. So the past 2 weeks, while I was verbally saying I am okay with Eagle being my MOH and my BFF, in my heart I was hoping for more. Always have been.
And then our conversation happened tonight. He went to this wedding this past weekend that was in a castle - its my dream to get married in a castle one day. So he called to tell me about it. He was asking how my weekend was and I told him about my date, without saying I was on a date - but he knew and asked me all kinds of questions. Then he was telling me what he did today and it totally sounded like a date to me but I didn't ask him who he was with. We were talking about dating and I asked him about one of his ex's and he told me how much he had pursued her and how tight they were and then how it didnt work out. This was the perfect opening for me to bring us up....so I asked him why he felt like we never worked out. He said he was always borderline but not sure - that we got along so well but that was it. I asked him if something was missing and he said yeah, something. I asked what and he said he didn't know and that he wanted to figure out what changed, that it would give him closure. I told him I think I know when it changed and he asked me not to tell him, that he wanted to think about it and come up with it himself. He said we both got to the same place - that even I realized this wasn't going anywhere. It hurt to hear him say so clearly that this wasn't going anywhere but I wanted to be very clear - I told him things changed for me because I got frustrated with never getting an answer from him. We talked about it a little but overall he was really being kind of quiet.
Then it happened. He told me he was thinking...about this girl. He's been dating her for the past 3 weeks and thought they really clicked and liked each other. He told me how he had pursued her and thought things were going well. He told me that over dinner tonight she told him that the only reason she was seeing him was because she knew she was moving in 3 weeks. He said he was taking it all in, he didn't know what that meant and how was he suppose to act next time he saw her. I mean he really sounded like he liked this girl!! And here I had been, feeling special, thinking maybe, just maybe, he liked me. What this girl had said was really affecting him. He said she had called three times since he was on the phone with me. And that tonight was the first time he didn't walk her to her apartment so she knew something was up. And he said that sometimes you just need that kick in the ass - you go around breaking hearts and then when it happens to you...when you are on the receiving end....
Okay wow. I was so taken aback. Floored. I started telling him that that is how I felt - that he may not have noticed but lately I haven't been calling him a lot or texting him....that I had really liked him and wished he would have told me sooner how he had felt. I said a lot, my voice was even kind of shaking, but I don't think I got my point across. I was one second away from telling him I don't think we should talk anymore....and instead I ended it telling him I was glad we ended up where we were and not to be sad about this other girl. All the while, my heart was breaking. I don't think he ever liked me the way he likes this girl....and here I was, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him. I have sat here thinking about him everyday, reading into every text and every contact....and he's been out dating someone else, clicking with her, falling for her. I am such an idiot. The tears are in my eyes and I can't even get them to fall - I think even they are stunned by my reality. God, I just can't believe it - I can't believe the time I have spent thinking of him, wanting him....and the whole time he was into someone else.
I can't even write anymore, I don't know what else to say. All that keeps playing over and over in my head is that song that they play on the radio - God how true the words of "Bleeding Love" are for me, its what I am doing at this very moment - bleeding love. How am I going to get through this? How??
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
For days now I have been wanting to share updates on Eagle and as I sit here to write this now I realize how what I would have written even 3 hours ago would have been so different than what I am about to write now.
You see, I was going to provide an update on everything that has been going on with Eagle...the conversations we have had, the times we've hung out since the last time I wrote, all the details that suddenly don't mean anything. He got laid off work 2 weeks ago, I was one of the first people he called. I sent him flowers and signed it 'With Love From Your BFF' and he loved them. He gave me a lot of attention that whole week, and I read into every piece of it. He & I went to Atlantic City one night - spent almost 8 hours together - and I walked away feeling even more special. Turns out an an aunty we know is his dad's first cousin and she called my dad and his dad to hook us up. I loved every moment of it. So the past 2 weeks, while I was verbally saying I am okay with Eagle being my MOH and my BFF, in my heart I was hoping for more. Always have been.
And then our conversation happened tonight. He went to this wedding this past weekend that was in a castle - its my dream to get married in a castle one day. So he called to tell me about it. He was asking how my weekend was and I told him about my date, without saying I was on a date - but he knew and asked me all kinds of questions. Then he was telling me what he did today and it totally sounded like a date to me but I didn't ask him who he was with. We were talking about dating and I asked him about one of his ex's and he told me how much he had pursued her and how tight they were and then how it didnt work out. This was the perfect opening for me to bring us up....so I asked him why he felt like we never worked out. He said he was always borderline but not sure - that we got along so well but that was it. I asked him if something was missing and he said yeah, something. I asked what and he said he didn't know and that he wanted to figure out what changed, that it would give him closure. I told him I think I know when it changed and he asked me not to tell him, that he wanted to think about it and come up with it himself. He said we both got to the same place - that even I realized this wasn't going anywhere. It hurt to hear him say so clearly that this wasn't going anywhere but I wanted to be very clear - I told him things changed for me because I got frustrated with never getting an answer from him. We talked about it a little but overall he was really being kind of quiet.
Then it happened. He told me he was thinking...about this girl. He's been dating her for the past 3 weeks and thought they really clicked and liked each other. He told me how he had pursued her and thought things were going well. He told me that over dinner tonight she told him that the only reason she was seeing him was because she knew she was moving in 3 weeks. He said he was taking it all in, he didn't know what that meant and how was he suppose to act next time he saw her. I mean he really sounded like he liked this girl!! And here I had been, feeling special, thinking maybe, just maybe, he liked me. What this girl had said was really affecting him. He said she had called three times since he was on the phone with me. And that tonight was the first time he didn't walk her to her apartment so she knew something was up. And he said that sometimes you just need that kick in the ass - you go around breaking hearts and then when it happens to you...when you are on the receiving end....
Okay wow. I was so taken aback. Floored. I started telling him that that is how I felt - that he may not have noticed but lately I haven't been calling him a lot or texting him....that I had really liked him and wished he would have told me sooner how he had felt. I said a lot, my voice was even kind of shaking, but I don't think I got my point across. I was one second away from telling him I don't think we should talk anymore....and instead I ended it telling him I was glad we ended up where we were and not to be sad about this other girl. All the while, my heart was breaking. I don't think he ever liked me the way he likes this girl....and here I was, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him. I have sat here thinking about him everyday, reading into every text and every contact....and he's been out dating someone else, clicking with her, falling for her. I am such an idiot. The tears are in my eyes and I can't even get them to fall - I think even they are stunned by my reality. God, I just can't believe it - I can't believe the time I have spent thinking of him, wanting him....and the whole time he was into someone else.
I can't even write anymore, I don't know what else to say. All that keeps playing over and over in my head is that song that they play on the radio - God how true the words of "Bleeding Love" are for me, its what I am doing at this very moment - bleeding love. How am I going to get through this? How??
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Date With Artsy Guy
Another Saturday...another date. I'm actually "talking" (or emailing to be more accurate) a bunch of people right now so hopefully that will lead to tons more dates and with the way probability works - one of them will be "the one". I know I need to go through this process - but boy, this is a lot of work - and quite expensive!!! Each guy means getting the eyebrows done, a manicure & a pedicure - at the very least! But I always make myself do it, thinking what if this guy could be it - I need to make sure I'm at my best.
So back to Artsy guy. He's like 6 feet tall and his picture was cute (though he was wearing a baseball hat - always makes me wonder if they're bald when they do that) and we'd only exchanged like 2 emails - so I didn't know much about him besides what was in his online dating profile. But it turns out he was my year and went to my rival high school - what a small world!
Before we even met up, I was a little annoyed. You see, the week before he had emailed me and we had made plans to meet up yesterday. Thursday rolled around and I hadn't heard from him...so I dropped him an email to see if we were still on and I got "hey was just about to email you about that". Right. He tells me he's putting together some ideas for things for us to do and will call me Friday. Okay, a planner, I like that. Friday I get an email saying he's going out with an old college buddy so will call me Saturday to discuss plans for Saturday afternoon (we had decided to meet up around 4pm/got to NYC). Saturday morning - no phone call. I check my email and he sent another message saying he had ended up crashing at his friends place and would be back in time for us to meet up and would call me. Okay (uh, what if I hadn't checked email?!). 4pm rolls around - nothing. I text him telling him I'm already on the train, is he? You guessed it - phone rings less than a minute later! He was like are you really?? I said I was joking, actually running a little late myself and he said he was on the way home from his friends as well and would call me when he got home. He calls at 5pm (I've been ready since early afternoon!) and asks if I was okay with Tapas for dinner - I said that was fine. And he said I was thinking dinner & a movie - and mentioned this artsy movie called "The Fall". I said fine to that too. He calls back a half hour later to finalize timings and we decide to meet at a train station and take the train in together. There was a train in 20 minutes...but he tells me he still needs to shower. Ugh! So we decide to meet at the train station for the 6:45pm train. (Now you see why I was slightly annoyed even before we met!)
So I get to the train station....first impression...WOW are you skinny!! And he had a back-pack with him, I was confused, kinda odd to bring on a date? Plus it was eery how much he looked like my cousin's dad who had passed away - about the same height, skin color, look. That totally threw me off. When he saw me he gave me a hug and said "You look nice". Okay, that was refreshing to hear - only cause with Eagle I've been left wondering what is wrong with me (note: update on Eagle coming shortly).
We got on the train and conversation was nice - he mentioned he smoked and asked if I was okay with that. I said it was fine, as long as the smoke was not in my face (I am way too nice to actually say yes, I mind). He asked if I was vegetarian and he then said he was planning on getting a meat thing at the tapas place that he's been wanting to try out and hoped that was okay - I said that's fine (again really, how else would you answer that). He was telling me how he used to live in NY with his ex-girlfriend (ok) and how it took some time but now he was really ready to meet someone - he wasn't ready before. He also told me he's never really dated Indian girls before (here I am thinking again - another Eagle?!) Then he was telling me about his job - sounded really interesting actually. Even before meeting him, I did know that he made less money than me (it was on his profile) - and yes, that is a problem for me. But I am trying to keep an open mind cause you never know...but on a side note, I really need to decide how big of an issue this is for me because no point in wasting everyone's time if its going to bother me in the long run - I really don't want to be the bread-winner.
We got to NY and then had to take a subway to get to Soho/Village where this restaurant and movie theater were. As soon as we were off the train he had a smoke. I was wearing my sexy heels :) and this guy had long legs - literally he was always walking way ahead of me - I think women all understand that you can't exactly run in heels. When we got to the subway station, he told me to buy a Metro Card. Okay - sorry - first reaction again - why can't I use yours?? And really, you're going to make me buy it - you're not going to buy it for me? Okay so yes, I have expectations. Gentlemen never let a lady pay - they just don't. I hate that I instantly always think of Eagle in these situations but the first thought that went through my head was Eagle would have paid for the card and never asked me to do so. Again - just all part of the first impression - it is what it is (and I need to stop thinking about Eagle - ugh!)
We got to the restaurant and dinner was nice - he's talkative so there weren't really a lot of awkward moments. But I did start realizing that its much easier to go out with someone after you've had a few conversations with them (vs. none) as there's naturally just other things to talk about then. He paid for dinner - that was nice. When I offered to split it, he said I could get it next time. It's always nice to hear someone say next time - kinda lets you know what they're thinking I guess. As soon as dinner was over and we were outside, he had another smoke. Then we went to go see the movie - nice again that he paid. I bought the drinks & snacks. The theater was so packed we ended up in the first row! Part of the movie was filmed in India so that was really cool to see - visually this movie was breathtaking. A little hard to follow at times and we were both guilty of nodding off more than once :)
The movie ended at midnight. As soon as we stepped outside of the theater, he had another smoke. Chain smoker - not quite what I was expecting. The bar next door had some live jazz music - he asked if I wanted to go in and I said I was fine. So we headed back to the subway to catch all of our trains to get back home. I asked him about the back-pack as we were standing around and he said he had his wallet in there and his umbrella (it was raining), etc. and that it was just easier to have this. I laughed saying oh, so this is your man purse. He laughed too - and said he actually had a better one at home. Again, to be completely honest, I immediately thought Eagle would never do that - bring a back-pack - in fact, the kind of guys I end up liking (more classy for lack of a better word) would never have done that. Call me a snob, but its odd to be on a date with a guy walking around with a back-pack!
On the train ride home, he was actually kind of flirty with me - grabbing my arm or playfully punching me. He was telling me how I should see a jazz concert (he's really into music) and about 3 times asked if I would show him around my city. He even asked if I was okay to drive home from the train station and did I want to get some coffee first (prolonging our time together, nice). Okay, so he liked me - that's a good feeling because lately I've been left wondering at times if anyone is ever going to really like me. Too bad though, because I don't like him. The smoking thing is definetly a turn-off but in general not attracted to him at all.....
So that was my date with the Artsy guy. Somehow I have to let him know I'm not interested next time he gets in touch with me. But it was nice to meet him and nice to hear how he is really ready to meet someone now - that we were on the same page at least when it came to wanting to 'settle down'.
I was pleased with myself that I gave Artsy guy my full attention, kept an open-mind and really made an effort to be myself and see what could happen. But I just realized how many times I mentioned Eagle in this email - what can I do? I am trying my best to "move on" but its only human I guess that its going to take time....
So back to Artsy guy. He's like 6 feet tall and his picture was cute (though he was wearing a baseball hat - always makes me wonder if they're bald when they do that) and we'd only exchanged like 2 emails - so I didn't know much about him besides what was in his online dating profile. But it turns out he was my year and went to my rival high school - what a small world!
Before we even met up, I was a little annoyed. You see, the week before he had emailed me and we had made plans to meet up yesterday. Thursday rolled around and I hadn't heard from him...so I dropped him an email to see if we were still on and I got "hey was just about to email you about that". Right. He tells me he's putting together some ideas for things for us to do and will call me Friday. Okay, a planner, I like that. Friday I get an email saying he's going out with an old college buddy so will call me Saturday to discuss plans for Saturday afternoon (we had decided to meet up around 4pm/got to NYC). Saturday morning - no phone call. I check my email and he sent another message saying he had ended up crashing at his friends place and would be back in time for us to meet up and would call me. Okay (uh, what if I hadn't checked email?!). 4pm rolls around - nothing. I text him telling him I'm already on the train, is he? You guessed it - phone rings less than a minute later! He was like are you really?? I said I was joking, actually running a little late myself and he said he was on the way home from his friends as well and would call me when he got home. He calls at 5pm (I've been ready since early afternoon!) and asks if I was okay with Tapas for dinner - I said that was fine. And he said I was thinking dinner & a movie - and mentioned this artsy movie called "The Fall". I said fine to that too. He calls back a half hour later to finalize timings and we decide to meet at a train station and take the train in together. There was a train in 20 minutes...but he tells me he still needs to shower. Ugh! So we decide to meet at the train station for the 6:45pm train. (Now you see why I was slightly annoyed even before we met!)
So I get to the train station....first impression...WOW are you skinny!! And he had a back-pack with him, I was confused, kinda odd to bring on a date? Plus it was eery how much he looked like my cousin's dad who had passed away - about the same height, skin color, look. That totally threw me off. When he saw me he gave me a hug and said "You look nice". Okay, that was refreshing to hear - only cause with Eagle I've been left wondering what is wrong with me (note: update on Eagle coming shortly).
We got on the train and conversation was nice - he mentioned he smoked and asked if I was okay with that. I said it was fine, as long as the smoke was not in my face (I am way too nice to actually say yes, I mind). He asked if I was vegetarian and he then said he was planning on getting a meat thing at the tapas place that he's been wanting to try out and hoped that was okay - I said that's fine (again really, how else would you answer that). He was telling me how he used to live in NY with his ex-girlfriend (ok) and how it took some time but now he was really ready to meet someone - he wasn't ready before. He also told me he's never really dated Indian girls before (here I am thinking again - another Eagle?!) Then he was telling me about his job - sounded really interesting actually. Even before meeting him, I did know that he made less money than me (it was on his profile) - and yes, that is a problem for me. But I am trying to keep an open mind cause you never know...but on a side note, I really need to decide how big of an issue this is for me because no point in wasting everyone's time if its going to bother me in the long run - I really don't want to be the bread-winner.
We got to NY and then had to take a subway to get to Soho/Village where this restaurant and movie theater were. As soon as we were off the train he had a smoke. I was wearing my sexy heels :) and this guy had long legs - literally he was always walking way ahead of me - I think women all understand that you can't exactly run in heels. When we got to the subway station, he told me to buy a Metro Card. Okay - sorry - first reaction again - why can't I use yours?? And really, you're going to make me buy it - you're not going to buy it for me? Okay so yes, I have expectations. Gentlemen never let a lady pay - they just don't. I hate that I instantly always think of Eagle in these situations but the first thought that went through my head was Eagle would have paid for the card and never asked me to do so. Again - just all part of the first impression - it is what it is (and I need to stop thinking about Eagle - ugh!)
We got to the restaurant and dinner was nice - he's talkative so there weren't really a lot of awkward moments. But I did start realizing that its much easier to go out with someone after you've had a few conversations with them (vs. none) as there's naturally just other things to talk about then. He paid for dinner - that was nice. When I offered to split it, he said I could get it next time. It's always nice to hear someone say next time - kinda lets you know what they're thinking I guess. As soon as dinner was over and we were outside, he had another smoke. Then we went to go see the movie - nice again that he paid. I bought the drinks & snacks. The theater was so packed we ended up in the first row! Part of the movie was filmed in India so that was really cool to see - visually this movie was breathtaking. A little hard to follow at times and we were both guilty of nodding off more than once :)
The movie ended at midnight. As soon as we stepped outside of the theater, he had another smoke. Chain smoker - not quite what I was expecting. The bar next door had some live jazz music - he asked if I wanted to go in and I said I was fine. So we headed back to the subway to catch all of our trains to get back home. I asked him about the back-pack as we were standing around and he said he had his wallet in there and his umbrella (it was raining), etc. and that it was just easier to have this. I laughed saying oh, so this is your man purse. He laughed too - and said he actually had a better one at home. Again, to be completely honest, I immediately thought Eagle would never do that - bring a back-pack - in fact, the kind of guys I end up liking (more classy for lack of a better word) would never have done that. Call me a snob, but its odd to be on a date with a guy walking around with a back-pack!
On the train ride home, he was actually kind of flirty with me - grabbing my arm or playfully punching me. He was telling me how I should see a jazz concert (he's really into music) and about 3 times asked if I would show him around my city. He even asked if I was okay to drive home from the train station and did I want to get some coffee first (prolonging our time together, nice). Okay, so he liked me - that's a good feeling because lately I've been left wondering at times if anyone is ever going to really like me. Too bad though, because I don't like him. The smoking thing is definetly a turn-off but in general not attracted to him at all.....
So that was my date with the Artsy guy. Somehow I have to let him know I'm not interested next time he gets in touch with me. But it was nice to meet him and nice to hear how he is really ready to meet someone now - that we were on the same page at least when it came to wanting to 'settle down'.
I was pleased with myself that I gave Artsy guy my full attention, kept an open-mind and really made an effort to be myself and see what could happen. But I just realized how many times I mentioned Eagle in this email - what can I do? I am trying my best to "move on" but its only human I guess that its going to take time....
Friday, May 16, 2008
My Addiction
Last Sunday I proudly, confidently proclaimed that I was okay with Eagle just being my friend. Yes, I believed it 100%...when I said it...
So this is how this week has played out:
Monday
I talked to Eagle at night, as usual, with this new profound feeling of wow, its nice to have a guy "best friend". We talked for a long time and I mentioned that I was going to be in his city the next day for work....he didn't say anything about meeting up - and neither did I (so proud of me!)
Tuesday
Gave in - ended up asking Eagle if he wanted to get together, which of course he said yes (he usually always says yes). When I was done with my meetings I called him and the way he was willing to leave work and hang out with me was such a nice feeling. Made me feel special - he's really good at that - making me feel special. We hung out for a few hours - people watched, walked around, did some fun things. While we were together, three times he was on the phone - twice with this one girl, and then the 3rd time with another girl. Making plans with both of them for dinner - one for tonight and one for the next night. Using that sweet voice that guys sometimes use. They could have been friends or they could have been dates - I have no idea, I'm assuming the second one based on the sweet voice. Things he said, and things he knew about their schedules made me suddenly realize how special I am not. I'm just "one of the girls" - if even that.
I went through a rollar coaster of emotions in the 3 hours we were together. And on my way home, talked to one of my best friends who said Everyday you spend with him, is one more day you are further away from meeting the guy you are suppose to be with. Damn. So true. So that night I didn't call him. Sure, I knew he was going out to dinner but still, I could have called really late as I usually do - but I didn't. Suddenly, I'm not so special.
Wednesday
It was a very hard day!! I didn't text him or call him at all. And guess what - he didn't text or call me either :( I knew he was going out to dinner again that night - and I started thinking about how much time I am spending thinking of him and he's out having a good time, not giving me a second thought.
Thursday
It only got harder. And really depressing! No emails, text, or calls from me. And you guessed it - none from him either. The really hard part to deal with is that I really thought we had a real friendship underneath it all - that even for that he would have reached out to say hi. He told me once - that we are where we are because of me and despite of him. So true. We are in constant contact with each other because I always initiate it - always. So that was the hardest part to deal with today - realizing that everything we "have" is 100% only because of me. And that if I stopped, would we have anything?
Friday
I gave in. So pathetic - considering everything I just shared! But I am only human - think of him as an addiction, because that is really what he is. And I stayed away for 3 nights - its a good start, right?
I called him at work around noon - no answer. Then I texted him asking if he was at work (I remember him maybe saying he was going to take the day off) - no reply. Then I called him on his cell phone awhile later - he picked up with a "hey what's going on babe" ---- and it was like instant gratification and I instantly felt good again. SO STUPID - I KNOW!! But it's exactly how addicts must feel when they give in to whatever they are addicted to. He was telling me how he took the day off, was in the car with his brother - they had just gone to their aunt's place to give her a mother's day card and hang out with her - and then he was like see, i'm a really nice guy. (Sometimes he really is - but not right for me). He was going to another bachelor party this weekend and told me he was going to leave in 2-3 hours. Then his brother was talking to him and he was like let me call you back.
Three hours later - I call him back. You are going to kill me right about now, aren't you? I just didn't get my "fix" for the day and I knew he was leaving soon so I don't know - I just had to call. I got his voicemail (which actually I was kinda hoping for) and left him a message about this joke we shared in relation to where he was going. I wasn't expecting a call back, there really wasn't anything to talk about. Two minutes later, he called - he was in the car with 3 other guys. I remember thinking it was nice that he called and talked to me with other guys in the car....and then I wondered if he called because it made him look "cool" in front of his friends. Either way, we only talked for 3 minutes...while this conversation about hookers was going on in the background. Okay then! We were getting off the phone and I yelled "Good Luck" (re: winning in gambling) really loud - and then felt like the biggest idiot in the world realizing everyone in the car probably heard me. I was so embarassed - the whole thing just made me feel ultra stupid. Guess it all goes back to what I said last weekend - being around him just brings out all my insecurities. Ugh.
That's the update on this week. Eagle probably never realized I didn't even call him - or if he did, he was totally fine with it. He's my addiction and I need to ween myself off of him. Everyday I spend with him or thinking of him is one more day I am further away from meeting the guy I am suppose to be with, right? I keep saying I want to be friends with him - and in my heart I really do - but then I can't be bothered if there are other women - and no one can make that switch over night.
He usually texts me when he's gambling, letting me know how he's doing - maybe he will this weekend, maybe he won't. If I was honest, I guess I would like him to. But I can't be disappointed if he won't. And all I keep telling myself is that his best bud Hefner is with him again...and that can only mean bad news. I am telling myself this over and over and over - because at the end of the day, Eagle is NOT the kind of guy I want to end up with.
I will not be initiating anymore contact this weekend, especially not as stupid as I feel - that's a promise.
So this is how this week has played out:
Monday
I talked to Eagle at night, as usual, with this new profound feeling of wow, its nice to have a guy "best friend". We talked for a long time and I mentioned that I was going to be in his city the next day for work....he didn't say anything about meeting up - and neither did I (so proud of me!)
Tuesday
Gave in - ended up asking Eagle if he wanted to get together, which of course he said yes (he usually always says yes). When I was done with my meetings I called him and the way he was willing to leave work and hang out with me was such a nice feeling. Made me feel special - he's really good at that - making me feel special. We hung out for a few hours - people watched, walked around, did some fun things. While we were together, three times he was on the phone - twice with this one girl, and then the 3rd time with another girl. Making plans with both of them for dinner - one for tonight and one for the next night. Using that sweet voice that guys sometimes use. They could have been friends or they could have been dates - I have no idea, I'm assuming the second one based on the sweet voice. Things he said, and things he knew about their schedules made me suddenly realize how special I am not. I'm just "one of the girls" - if even that.
I went through a rollar coaster of emotions in the 3 hours we were together. And on my way home, talked to one of my best friends who said Everyday you spend with him, is one more day you are further away from meeting the guy you are suppose to be with. Damn. So true. So that night I didn't call him. Sure, I knew he was going out to dinner but still, I could have called really late as I usually do - but I didn't. Suddenly, I'm not so special.
Wednesday
It was a very hard day!! I didn't text him or call him at all. And guess what - he didn't text or call me either :( I knew he was going out to dinner again that night - and I started thinking about how much time I am spending thinking of him and he's out having a good time, not giving me a second thought.
Thursday
It only got harder. And really depressing! No emails, text, or calls from me. And you guessed it - none from him either. The really hard part to deal with is that I really thought we had a real friendship underneath it all - that even for that he would have reached out to say hi. He told me once - that we are where we are because of me and despite of him. So true. We are in constant contact with each other because I always initiate it - always. So that was the hardest part to deal with today - realizing that everything we "have" is 100% only because of me. And that if I stopped, would we have anything?
Friday
I gave in. So pathetic - considering everything I just shared! But I am only human - think of him as an addiction, because that is really what he is. And I stayed away for 3 nights - its a good start, right?
I called him at work around noon - no answer. Then I texted him asking if he was at work (I remember him maybe saying he was going to take the day off) - no reply. Then I called him on his cell phone awhile later - he picked up with a "hey what's going on babe" ---- and it was like instant gratification and I instantly felt good again. SO STUPID - I KNOW!! But it's exactly how addicts must feel when they give in to whatever they are addicted to. He was telling me how he took the day off, was in the car with his brother - they had just gone to their aunt's place to give her a mother's day card and hang out with her - and then he was like see, i'm a really nice guy. (Sometimes he really is - but not right for me). He was going to another bachelor party this weekend and told me he was going to leave in 2-3 hours. Then his brother was talking to him and he was like let me call you back.
Three hours later - I call him back. You are going to kill me right about now, aren't you? I just didn't get my "fix" for the day and I knew he was leaving soon so I don't know - I just had to call. I got his voicemail (which actually I was kinda hoping for) and left him a message about this joke we shared in relation to where he was going. I wasn't expecting a call back, there really wasn't anything to talk about. Two minutes later, he called - he was in the car with 3 other guys. I remember thinking it was nice that he called and talked to me with other guys in the car....and then I wondered if he called because it made him look "cool" in front of his friends. Either way, we only talked for 3 minutes...while this conversation about hookers was going on in the background. Okay then! We were getting off the phone and I yelled "Good Luck" (re: winning in gambling) really loud - and then felt like the biggest idiot in the world realizing everyone in the car probably heard me. I was so embarassed - the whole thing just made me feel ultra stupid. Guess it all goes back to what I said last weekend - being around him just brings out all my insecurities. Ugh.
That's the update on this week. Eagle probably never realized I didn't even call him - or if he did, he was totally fine with it. He's my addiction and I need to ween myself off of him. Everyday I spend with him or thinking of him is one more day I am further away from meeting the guy I am suppose to be with, right? I keep saying I want to be friends with him - and in my heart I really do - but then I can't be bothered if there are other women - and no one can make that switch over night.
He usually texts me when he's gambling, letting me know how he's doing - maybe he will this weekend, maybe he won't. If I was honest, I guess I would like him to. But I can't be disappointed if he won't. And all I keep telling myself is that his best bud Hefner is with him again...and that can only mean bad news. I am telling myself this over and over and over - because at the end of the day, Eagle is NOT the kind of guy I want to end up with.
I will not be initiating anymore contact this weekend, especially not as stupid as I feel - that's a promise.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
On The Outside Looking In
Being single and in your mid-30's is not easy. Not when you are completely surrounded by friends who all seem happily married and have kids.
Today I went to a really good friend's daughter's 1st birthday party. As the guests started pouring in, all I noticed was the young families, all around my age. The mom's sat together talking about their children. Some had 1 kid, some had 2; and two of the women were pregnant with their second. The husbands were sitting outside holding and playing with the kids and when dinner time came around, all the couples got together for the not always so easy task of feeding their child/ren. There were moments when everyone was outside and I stood in the kitchen watching from the window...feeling like I was on the outside, looking in. The life I have wanted for so long, being played out in front of me...
Today I went to a really good friend's daughter's 1st birthday party. As the guests started pouring in, all I noticed was the young families, all around my age. The mom's sat together talking about their children. Some had 1 kid, some had 2; and two of the women were pregnant with their second. The husbands were sitting outside holding and playing with the kids and when dinner time came around, all the couples got together for the not always so easy task of feeding their child/ren. There were moments when everyone was outside and I stood in the kitchen watching from the window...feeling like I was on the outside, looking in. The life I have wanted for so long, being played out in front of me...
Saturday, May 10, 2008
An New Phase With Eagle
I haven't posted an Eagle update in about 3 weeks. You can guess how the last 3 weeks were - endless text messaging, emails, phone calls during work, and conversations late at night into the wee hours of the morning.
Last weekend on Sunday I actually went to Barnes & Noble and picked up the book one of my closest friends (who's an Eagle hater) had reminded me of a few weeks ago - "he's just not that into you". I read the first 3 chapters and realized, that yes, every sign they are talking about when a guy is not into you - is true for when it comes to Eagle. Then Monday I got to work and basically ignored everything I read because I just wanted to talk to him and there started another week of all the endless things I mentioned above. Oh, and did I mention that about 2 weeks ago Eagle & I made plans to hang out this past weekend (plans of course that I initiated) and that he was going to come to where I lived this time - yes, he was going to drive about 2 hours and come visit me! He hasn't done that in months. So I'm thinking - this is a good thing, right?!
The week leading up to this past weekend was a busy one for me. On top of everything else, I started another "project" for Eagle - similar to the scrapbook I had made him of our first couple of months together (admittedly one of the coolest things I have ever made anyone). This time it was something I had documented that captured our last 6 months....you see next Saturday, May 17th, will be 6 months since Eagle came into my life (5 months since our first date but 6 months since we first "met"). As I was putting this together, and in a way re-living the past 6 months, I started realizing how things were amazing up until February, and how much they changed in March/April once we had had the talk about what was happening (or not happening) between us. I guess the "chase" was over for him and everything changed. And then parts of April and all of May so far have been back to chatting all the time...But still, reliving all of it made me realize how much this really isn't the way its suppose to be.
There was this project above I was working on, and at the same time last week I started telling Eagle that he was going to be my MOH (Made of Honor). Perfect timing on this movie being released! We started joking about it a lot, and I started realizing more and more that maybe that is all Eagle really is to me. Could he just be my guy best friend?
Friday night Eagle came over - he brought me some chocolates from this trip he went on a few weeks ago. Nice! Of course selfishly I was like no flowers? But then I immediately told myself - no, no flowers. I didn't even get my usual welcome kiss. Okay, I was kinda expecting that but okay, fine. I had told him to dress up (i.e., no jeans) and I wore a dress and we went out to a really nice restaurant for dinner. Dinner was great - he told me he liked my dress and my shoes, we talked, joked around. Then we went to this rooftop bar for drinks. Again, fun. We got back to my place, changed, and layed on the couch to watch some TV. We were watching this show about this guy that was a total player - and it was interesting how often Eagle "related" to him. And it made me realize how much I don't want to be with a guy like that. We fell asleep on the couch, woke up, and went into my room to sleep. Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens - now I don't even expect it.
Last weekend on Sunday I actually went to Barnes & Noble and picked up the book one of my closest friends (who's an Eagle hater) had reminded me of a few weeks ago - "he's just not that into you". I read the first 3 chapters and realized, that yes, every sign they are talking about when a guy is not into you - is true for when it comes to Eagle. Then Monday I got to work and basically ignored everything I read because I just wanted to talk to him and there started another week of all the endless things I mentioned above. Oh, and did I mention that about 2 weeks ago Eagle & I made plans to hang out this past weekend (plans of course that I initiated) and that he was going to come to where I lived this time - yes, he was going to drive about 2 hours and come visit me! He hasn't done that in months. So I'm thinking - this is a good thing, right?!
The week leading up to this past weekend was a busy one for me. On top of everything else, I started another "project" for Eagle - similar to the scrapbook I had made him of our first couple of months together (admittedly one of the coolest things I have ever made anyone). This time it was something I had documented that captured our last 6 months....you see next Saturday, May 17th, will be 6 months since Eagle came into my life (5 months since our first date but 6 months since we first "met"). As I was putting this together, and in a way re-living the past 6 months, I started realizing how things were amazing up until February, and how much they changed in March/April once we had had the talk about what was happening (or not happening) between us. I guess the "chase" was over for him and everything changed. And then parts of April and all of May so far have been back to chatting all the time...But still, reliving all of it made me realize how much this really isn't the way its suppose to be.
There was this project above I was working on, and at the same time last week I started telling Eagle that he was going to be my MOH (Made of Honor). Perfect timing on this movie being released! We started joking about it a lot, and I started realizing more and more that maybe that is all Eagle really is to me. Could he just be my guy best friend?
Friday night Eagle came over - he brought me some chocolates from this trip he went on a few weeks ago. Nice! Of course selfishly I was like no flowers? But then I immediately told myself - no, no flowers. I didn't even get my usual welcome kiss. Okay, I was kinda expecting that but okay, fine. I had told him to dress up (i.e., no jeans) and I wore a dress and we went out to a really nice restaurant for dinner. Dinner was great - he told me he liked my dress and my shoes, we talked, joked around. Then we went to this rooftop bar for drinks. Again, fun. We got back to my place, changed, and layed on the couch to watch some TV. We were watching this show about this guy that was a total player - and it was interesting how often Eagle "related" to him. And it made me realize how much I don't want to be with a guy like that. We fell asleep on the couch, woke up, and went into my room to sleep. Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens - now I don't even expect it.
Late Saturday morning we woke up. We kind of just laid in bed for a long time talking and joking around. I couldn't believe how many little things he remembered that I had told him in the past. At one point he was sleeping on his stomach and I remember thinking how great his back looked (through his t-shirt) and that he really was in great shape. And then I was joking with him about how big his pores were on his shoulder...and realizing how unattracted to them I am. Haha, I know - but hey! Baby steps, right?! I'm putting the guy out of my mind, and here was yet another reason to.
After we got ready, I gave him the project I had been working on. He seemed to like it - and started reading through it, more than I thought he would. Of course later he told me he couldn't believe I actually spent time putting that together but whatever. I think I did it more for me than him anyway. Then I asked him if he knew how the MOH story plays out - that in both My Best Friend's Wedding and in Made of Honor, both end up falling in love with their best friend. I told him he didn't realize it yet but that he was in love with me - and that he needed to get rid of his feelings now because I didn't want any drama at my wedding. We both laughed about it =)
We went out for a late lunch and then went to go see the movie Made of Honor. Patrick Dempsey's character in the movie is that of a total player...and once again, Eagle made comments and related to it in ways that (again) reminded me that this is not the kind of guy I want to be with. But there were parts of the movie, when Patrick Dempsey's character realizes he is in love with his best friend - all the little things they share together - that no other woman seems to care about - it really reminded me of my relationship with Eagle. There is so much he knows about me, so many little things that he goes out of his way to make sure are in place for me because he knows I like them. And when the girl in the movie asks Patrick Dempsey why in the 10 years that they knew each other he had never slept with her - he simply said "Because I wanted to keep you in my life". Simple as that. Eagle and I held hands while we watched the movie and joked around. On the way home I told him that if things happen for me as fast as they did for the woman in the movie, I wanted him to share a list of all the little things he knows I like and don't like with my fiance. And as I said this, I realized how much I cherish the little things with Eagle...and that hopefully whoever I am suppose to end up with, that he & I will share those things too...because those little things have been the best part about having Eagle in my life.
When Eagle left, he gave me a quick peck on the lips goodbye. And for the first time since I have met him, I felt content. A bit sad, but content. Between my project and watching MOH and all of his player comments, I finally got over him - he's smooth and he knows how to treat a woman and it's why I fell for him, but I don't want to end up with a guy like him. And I remembered how beautiful my ex used to make me feel and how with Eagle all weekend long I never once got that feeling...instead all I kept thinking was maybe I am too fat and that's why he's not attracted to me? Every woman deserves to feel good. I am glad though that things didn't just end with Eagle months ago - I would have had a really hard time getting over him. It just gradually happened these past few months. And yes, it took me that many months to hear him when he's clearly said more than once where he stands. I don't see Eagle not being in my life, I am sure he will be. I am sure we will still talk and email and text and see each other here and there. I love having him in my life. But I finally can say that I am not in love with him.
I picked up the book again - he's just not that into you. Here are the title chapters:
1. He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out
2. He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Calling You
3. He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Dating You
4. He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Having Sex With You
5. He's Just Not That Into You If He's Having Sex With Someone Else
6. He's Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants To See You When He's Drunk
7. He's Just Not That Into You If He Doesn't Want To Marry You
8. He's Just Not That Into You If He's Breaking Up With You
9. He's Just Not That Into You If He's Disappeared On You
etc, etc (goes on)
The titles are enough - but backed up with all the examples, its like WOW! Clear as day. I've only read the first 4 chapters but I'm finishing this book. To keep reminding me how Eagle is not for me, and to keep these things top of mind with whomever else I meet.
Whomever else I meet. That means back to really seriously dating. As I said, and as one of my friends reminds me, its all in the numbers. I need to meet a lot more men, quickly. One of them has to work out, right?!
I'll keep you posted on Eagle. But hopefully you'll be reading a lot more about other new men that come into my life! Keep your fingers crossed me for me that Mr. Right comes into my life soon, very very soon.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I Want To Be The One To Say No!
With dating comes rejection - giving it and taking it. And taking it plain sucks.
Today I got an email from NJ Doc - not interested. Got this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach - why isn't he?? And then I tried to come up with a reason that would make me feel okay about it vs. wondering if I was too fat or not pretty enough. I finally settled on that he wants someone not vegetarian - yeah, that had to be it (though I highly doubt that is what it was). And then I reminded myself that he went out on a date with one of my friends years ago and she never heard from him again either. So maybe its just him, and not me.
Rejection is a bitch no matter how you look at it. It's so much easier (on me!) when I'm the one saying no. God, how many more of these moments of wondering if something is wrong with me will I have to go through before Mr. Right comes along?! I hope not many! Because on a good day, I do believe I'm a good catch...I'll just have to keep telling myself that...
Today I got an email from NJ Doc - not interested. Got this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach - why isn't he?? And then I tried to come up with a reason that would make me feel okay about it vs. wondering if I was too fat or not pretty enough. I finally settled on that he wants someone not vegetarian - yeah, that had to be it (though I highly doubt that is what it was). And then I reminded myself that he went out on a date with one of my friends years ago and she never heard from him again either. So maybe its just him, and not me.
Rejection is a bitch no matter how you look at it. It's so much easier (on me!) when I'm the one saying no. God, how many more of these moments of wondering if something is wrong with me will I have to go through before Mr. Right comes along?! I hope not many! Because on a good day, I do believe I'm a good catch...I'll just have to keep telling myself that...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Marathon Dating
It's all in the numbers, right?! So I have to meet as many people as possible...and so I had 2 dates - that's 2 dates, today, Saturday April 26th! Talk about having to coordinate!! By the way, I have to share that I looked fabulous today. Now if you know me, you would never hear me saying that. But the stars were aligned somehow - maybe it was the dress I was wearing or how my hair looked - but guys were looking at me and waving when I was in my car and the looks continued when I was walking around. I am thinking that maybe finally, this is going to be a good day!!
Date #1: Juan Valdez
Okay, that's not his name - but that's where we went for coffee :) So this guy is a doctor (surprise, surprise). We made plans to meet at The Met in NYC, but I was late (as usual) and so we decided to go get some coffee and figure it out from there. He had plans for dinner (as did I!) so we were just going to hang out for a little bit. We walked to Times Square - which I did with a smile on my face but all I could think about was the heels I was wearing and how much pain I was going to be in later that night. We passed this Juan Valdez coffee shop and he wanted to know if I was okay with that - never really having been to one I asked if there was a Dunkin Donuts around or maybe a Starbucks. He said he wasn't a fan of Starbucks (neither am I really - but all I could think of was how Eagle would have had it no other way) and so we went to Juan Valdez to try it out. Now this guy I am there with - he was kinda balding but honestly, he had a nice face and I actually don't mind the bald look - some guys can pull it off. My initial impression was that he seemed a bit timid...though when there was no where for us to sit, he asked these girls that were taking up 2 tables to give us one of there's. Nice! I myself am too chicken to ever be so intrusive so I liked it.
We had a nice conversation over some coffee & hot chocolate. It was nice to actually hear someone talk seriously about where he wanted to settle down - "Juan" was thinking Baltimore where he did his training - but his only concern was the school system. Wow - this guys really thought things out! Anyway we chatted for awhile and then went to ESPN Zone across the street. I did beat him at my speciality game - and then he insisted on playing something else because he said I hurt his ego :) As we walked by the bar, some of the guys turned around and smiled. Something about this day is going to be good - I just know it!
That was really it for date #1 - I wasn't "wowed" by any means but I also wasn't walking away saying "no way"....I figured if I heard from him again I'd go out on a 2nd date, but if I didn't - no real loss either.
In Between Dates
I had about 2 hours to kill in between Juan & Date #2. So I walked (yes in my heels!) a good 10+ blocks to a Borders. I was on the phone with one of my friends that lives in the city - and she was giving me an earful on how much she wanted me to get Eagle out of my life. All I wanted to do was call Eagle tomorrow and make plans with him for dinner that night...until my friend made me go find the book He's Just Not That Into You. I couldn't find the actual book but I found the abridged version called Daily Wake-Up Call - that had soundbites/daily reminders of when a guy is just not into you. By the time I found it I only had 5 minutes to flip through it --- but I remember one thing it said --- even when you know a guy isn't into you, you keep him around because all the phone calls and seeing each once in awhile are things that feel good and get you through the moment - but they aren't going to get you through a lifetime. And I don't know - that just hit me really hard and I decided I can't call Eagle tomorrow and see if he wants to do dinner - I need to concentrate on bigger things.
Date #2: Gold Chain
Gold Chain and I were texting about where to meet and I told him I'd be the one in the dress, freezing :) He wrote back that he'd make sure to wear a jacket then so he could offer it to me. Cute! I was already looking forward to meeting him!
Before you start envisioning what this guy looked like - I might call him Gold Chain, but by no means is he one of those Indian guys from a gang! It's just the first thing I noticed about him - the open neck shirt, the chest hair, the gold chain - not bad things - just what I first noticed. Nice guy actually. He's a banker in NYC - well established I might add. He has this fabulous job and travels all over the world - it was quite interesting to hear about! He took me to this upscale restaurant for dinner - the food was delicious!! He also ordered us some really good wine - you would think by now I would know a little about wines - negative! But I have to admit, all these dates I go on - I have definetly seen the finer side of what the city has to offer :) I was the first "online" date that Gold Chain has been on, or so he said. Conversation was a bit strained - I felt like I had to keep it up most of the time. Thank God I'm a talker! Unfortunately, there really wasn't a lot of chemistry. I did catch him 'checking me out' a few times, that was nice I guess. He told me about the chef's kitchen in his condo he bought and then casually threw his platinum AMEX on the table and all I could think was well this guys got it all but I still don't like him - there, proof I'm not a gold digger! Haha :) After dinner we walked around a little - he gave me a tour of "his neighborhood" and that was it! Night over. Dinner was great, company was good - and I had a good time...but overall - nothing.
So 1 fabulous dress, 2 dates, and....nothing. UGH!!!! Why? Why? Why?? I spent the night at my cousin's place - who by the way lives on the 5th floor of his building. He tells me the elevator is broken so I somehow climb 5 flights of stairs in my heels (!!) just to find out he was playing around. Well - perfect ending for the night, huh?!!
Date #1: Juan Valdez
Okay, that's not his name - but that's where we went for coffee :) So this guy is a doctor (surprise, surprise). We made plans to meet at The Met in NYC, but I was late (as usual) and so we decided to go get some coffee and figure it out from there. He had plans for dinner (as did I!) so we were just going to hang out for a little bit. We walked to Times Square - which I did with a smile on my face but all I could think about was the heels I was wearing and how much pain I was going to be in later that night. We passed this Juan Valdez coffee shop and he wanted to know if I was okay with that - never really having been to one I asked if there was a Dunkin Donuts around or maybe a Starbucks. He said he wasn't a fan of Starbucks (neither am I really - but all I could think of was how Eagle would have had it no other way) and so we went to Juan Valdez to try it out. Now this guy I am there with - he was kinda balding but honestly, he had a nice face and I actually don't mind the bald look - some guys can pull it off. My initial impression was that he seemed a bit timid...though when there was no where for us to sit, he asked these girls that were taking up 2 tables to give us one of there's. Nice! I myself am too chicken to ever be so intrusive so I liked it.
We had a nice conversation over some coffee & hot chocolate. It was nice to actually hear someone talk seriously about where he wanted to settle down - "Juan" was thinking Baltimore where he did his training - but his only concern was the school system. Wow - this guys really thought things out! Anyway we chatted for awhile and then went to ESPN Zone across the street. I did beat him at my speciality game - and then he insisted on playing something else because he said I hurt his ego :) As we walked by the bar, some of the guys turned around and smiled. Something about this day is going to be good - I just know it!
That was really it for date #1 - I wasn't "wowed" by any means but I also wasn't walking away saying "no way"....I figured if I heard from him again I'd go out on a 2nd date, but if I didn't - no real loss either.
In Between Dates
I had about 2 hours to kill in between Juan & Date #2. So I walked (yes in my heels!) a good 10+ blocks to a Borders. I was on the phone with one of my friends that lives in the city - and she was giving me an earful on how much she wanted me to get Eagle out of my life. All I wanted to do was call Eagle tomorrow and make plans with him for dinner that night...until my friend made me go find the book He's Just Not That Into You. I couldn't find the actual book but I found the abridged version called Daily Wake-Up Call - that had soundbites/daily reminders of when a guy is just not into you. By the time I found it I only had 5 minutes to flip through it --- but I remember one thing it said --- even when you know a guy isn't into you, you keep him around because all the phone calls and seeing each once in awhile are things that feel good and get you through the moment - but they aren't going to get you through a lifetime. And I don't know - that just hit me really hard and I decided I can't call Eagle tomorrow and see if he wants to do dinner - I need to concentrate on bigger things.
Date #2: Gold Chain
Gold Chain and I were texting about where to meet and I told him I'd be the one in the dress, freezing :) He wrote back that he'd make sure to wear a jacket then so he could offer it to me. Cute! I was already looking forward to meeting him!
Before you start envisioning what this guy looked like - I might call him Gold Chain, but by no means is he one of those Indian guys from a gang! It's just the first thing I noticed about him - the open neck shirt, the chest hair, the gold chain - not bad things - just what I first noticed. Nice guy actually. He's a banker in NYC - well established I might add. He has this fabulous job and travels all over the world - it was quite interesting to hear about! He took me to this upscale restaurant for dinner - the food was delicious!! He also ordered us some really good wine - you would think by now I would know a little about wines - negative! But I have to admit, all these dates I go on - I have definetly seen the finer side of what the city has to offer :) I was the first "online" date that Gold Chain has been on, or so he said. Conversation was a bit strained - I felt like I had to keep it up most of the time. Thank God I'm a talker! Unfortunately, there really wasn't a lot of chemistry. I did catch him 'checking me out' a few times, that was nice I guess. He told me about the chef's kitchen in his condo he bought and then casually threw his platinum AMEX on the table and all I could think was well this guys got it all but I still don't like him - there, proof I'm not a gold digger! Haha :) After dinner we walked around a little - he gave me a tour of "his neighborhood" and that was it! Night over. Dinner was great, company was good - and I had a good time...but overall - nothing.
So 1 fabulous dress, 2 dates, and....nothing. UGH!!!! Why? Why? Why?? I spent the night at my cousin's place - who by the way lives on the 5th floor of his building. He tells me the elevator is broken so I somehow climb 5 flights of stairs in my heels (!!) just to find out he was playing around. Well - perfect ending for the night, huh?!!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Eagle Update
So if you have been following along, you know I was out of the country for the last 6 days, for work. Specifically to Eagle - this is how the last 6 days played out:
Saturday - April 12th:
I didn't text or contact him before I left, totally proud of myself
Sunday - April 13th:
Spent the day with one of my best friends - a million things either reminded me of him or there were a million things I was dying to share with him - i did mention he's become like my "best friend", right?! It was hard not to be able to pick up the phone or text him everything I was experiencing.
Monday - April 14th:
I gave in - sent him an email asking how much money he had won gambling while he was at his bachelor party this past weekend and shared some stories from my trip so far. He wrote back, of course, and we exchanged a bunch of emails all day. I was telling him a cute story about my friend's 2 year old from the day before and he wrote "It seems like you have a bunch of 2 year olds in your life...hum, interesting". To which my response was that our friends were just in different stages of their lives - that most of my friends already had their 2nd kid or would by next year! I also told him I was surrounded by 2 year olds and it makes me realize how much I love them and look forward to little me's =) Might as well be honest, right?!
Tuesday - April 15th:
Emails continued back and forth. In one of my emails, I called him "dude" and he was like what? I asked him if he preferred "bud" (my subtle, stupid way of hinting...something?). His answer was "king, you can call me that" - haha, right. Then I told him, in all seriousness, that he didn't have to write back to my emails - that I was writing to him because I felt like it and he could write when/if he wanted to. He said I was making him feel bad (not sure if he really meant that but I (think I) meant what I said). Anyway he did end up writing me a pretty long email later in the day - it was actually really nice to get a long email and he caught me up on some stuff going on in his life and ended it with "more to come later" - yes, stupid little things like that make me happy because I read into everything. I was really happy for him (something he wrote me about) and used that as a reason to call him - got his voicemail and left a message. Then emailed a pretty long email back to his from earlier in the day...
Wednesday - April 16th:
One of his emails to me that morning started with "Hey Babe" --- I don't get that often, but when I do I just love it!!! I feel like whenever he uses "babe" with me, its a day that he's really into me. I emailed him later to kick ass in his pool game at night to which I got another "Thanks Babe". Wow, 2 in one day! We actually talked that night on the phone for an hour (at $1/minute!). He was a little drunk, and talking a mile a minute! It was cute, he was excitedly telling me about his pool game and he even wore this t-shirt I had given him to the game. Now I am REALLY thinking he's into me today - yeah!! Why can't everyday be like this?! Hmm. And then he goes on to tell me details about the bachelor party he went to the weekend before - let's just say one of his best friends, his name for our purposes, and in my head, is "Hefner". I mean everytime I hear stories about Hefner he is just partying it up (you can make your own conclusions based on the name I am giving him). So yeah, not thrilled this is who Eagle hangs out with all the time - people usually aren't too different than their closest friends. Eagle did end up hanging out with his family on Sunday and sounded so happy about it - that part I love about him - the family side of him. Anyway after he was done telling me all his stories, I caught him up on what was new with me - it was a really nice conversation actually, both of us really animated. I told him I was going to be in NJ on Monday for work and asked if he wanted to get together for dinner - he had plans but said he would change them (yeah - afterall I kinda made this meeting happen in his area because I wanted to see him).
After we got off the phone, in the middle of the night, I sent him another really long email. I guess I was just thinking how much he loves to party (still) and how much I want to settle down. So my email - I told him I realize that he told me he was really busy this month (all weekends in April) and that we still have seen each other only because I happen to be in his area (which between us, I never really happened to be in his area but made it a point be there). I went on to tell him how I thought last Wednesday when I went to his pool game with him was once of the nicest times I've had with him in some time - and that all the butterflies going crazy in my stomach made me realize that even though I wasn't attached to the idea of "us" anymore, how much I really do like him. I then went on to tell him the truth was though that even if by some miracle he wanted us to be togehter exclusively, my answer to him today would be no. I told him this quote someone shared with me "Never make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs" and told him if he really wanted to be with me, it would take a hell of a lot to convince me - because at this point I just don't believe it. I told him everyday I realize how much we want different things in my life and that I'm starting to get that others want what I want too (my again, subtle, stupid way of telling him I was seeing other people). I did go on to say that the shitty part of the whole thing is that I do feel like he & I complete each other but its all about timing. So the email went on, said some stuff about how much I love having him in my life and the thought of him not in it made me really sad and that I wish we could have talked more but since we couldn't I was just babbling away in this email about this strange relationship we had - intricate and baffling as it is. I signed it "your #1 fan" which is sometimes what I tell him I am (started using it when he was nervous about interviewing for a job and every once in awhile I throw it out there - this time I did because I felt like I had said some heavy stuff and wanted to balance it by letting him know I still like him).
So that was it - I felt good when I went to bed - realizing that maybe, just maybe, Eagle & I are in two different places and somehow all of this was going to make it easier for me to move on...
Thursday - April 17th:
He emailed me back. He said it was nice (or a bit crazy in a good way) for me to write all this in the middle of the night. He said I was right - things progressed because of me and in spite of him - that we would email/text/talk more sporadically if it wasn't for me. He then said he had instantaneously changed his plans for Monday to have dinner with me because I was going to be in town - he said if I had been more local he wouldn't have. (hmmm, ok not liking that part!!) He said he didnt want any of this to be a point of contention (not really sure what he meant by that) but that he was really busy and if I hadn't noticed, I was even busier! He went on to say that he's not great at phone or email but has put in his best effort. He said making an effort with so many distractions (all the other things he has going on in his life) makes him realize how much he really enjoys having me in his life too. He ended it by saying "though the 'question' of where is this baffling/strange relationship going will need to be addressed...I guess when there is time" and he said maybe this was something for conversation on Monday. And that we also needed to chat about the "#1 fan" thing at some point too.
Okay - so wasn't really sure what to make of any of that?! I wrote back saying that I did appreciate all the effort he makes (phone/emails/changing plans) and that he & I both wouldn't be doing this for "just anyone". I told him I also wasn't sure what we needed to talk about - I thought it was clear that if something came of this, great, if not - no harm done. And that I was sad if what he meant was that we shouldn't be such a big part of each other's lives anymore.
He responded not be sad - that he didn't think we would ever be out of each other's lives - that we were too similar, in an odd sort of way. He also said he would not be the one asking where this was going because its not his personality (ummm, hello....is it me or did he not just say we would have to address it at some point?!). Anyway he told me not be sad, just happy.
Man, I am all kinds of confused! Wed night I was feeling confident, that maybe this wasn't for me. But now that Eagle is being all wierd, that just makes me want him (to want me)! Soooo...we talk again on Thursday night. It was really late actually, I told him I was dying to share something with him (my excuse to talk to him, to make sure everything was okay between us). I told him how I found out that day that they were going to offer me a 4 month position in India at work - he was like wow, that's awesome! I told him I couldn't take it - that I had different priorities right now and career wasn't #1. He kind of told me I was giving up an opportunity of a lifetime (especially since this is something I have wanted) - I told him it was all timing, if this had been next year, I would take it. He said why - why next year is it ok? I said because by then things will be different. And then I was like hey - you are suppose to be my supportive friend! So he was like look, its actually quite noble that you know what you want and where your priorities are. Hmmm, ok. Anyway we talked for over an hour - and I don't know - after we talked about the work stuff - everything else - either he was really tired or something was just off. He told me he hadn't had a great day at work and had some other stuff he was dealing with. So stupid me, who knows better, was like hey - why don't you like that I say I'm your #1 fan? He was like we'll talk about all this later. When I asked again he said look, its just me, okay? Hmm....WHAT does that mean?!! When we got off the phone - like I said, not sure if he was just really tired (it was 2am!) or if its more? I'm thinking its more =(
I don't get it - until Wednesday night, things were so great?!! At least I thought so - and yes, "great" meaning "fine" - not that anything was moving/progressing...But I'm glad I sent that email late Wed night - I had to be honest, right?!!
Friday - April 18th:
I was leaving to come back to the states. I sent Eagle an email in the early morning and thanked him for staying on the phone so late even though he was so tired.
When I got back home, I found out that upper management wants to meet with me first thing Monday morning about the India position -yikes! So I used this, again, as an excuse to call him. I know what you are all thinking - girl, stop it!!!!! I know, I know. So I called him at work and he picked up the phone, laughing at something. I told him what was going on, we talked for like 2 minutes and I kinda felt this wierd vibe so I got off the phone.
Eagle & Hefner are going out of town for the weekend for a friend's birthday. They are going to stop by a casino on their way (yes, Hefner's idea - but of course Eagle was all over it). I thought if things were "okay" he would text me from the casino to tell me how much he's up or down - like he has everytime over the past few months. But no text. Hmmm...I'm thinking he needs some space. Fine - no more contact from me this weekend.
Saturday, April 19th:
I had the wierdest dream last night about Eagle - that he had invited me over his house. His mom and family were all being really nice to me and he basically ignored me. At one point he even said "I don't need a wifey around" and I was like I'm not trying to be your wife. Then he later comes and tells me that he knows he hasn't been really nice to me and he was sorry.
Interesting. I think between my email that basically said I really want different things in my life right now and letting him know I wasn't going to take the India position because my personal life was my first priority - has maybe also put things in perspective for him? Maybe its all scared him? I'm glad I was so honest, come what may. But why, then, am I so sad today =(
Saturday - April 12th:
I didn't text or contact him before I left, totally proud of myself
Sunday - April 13th:
Spent the day with one of my best friends - a million things either reminded me of him or there were a million things I was dying to share with him - i did mention he's become like my "best friend", right?! It was hard not to be able to pick up the phone or text him everything I was experiencing.
Monday - April 14th:
I gave in - sent him an email asking how much money he had won gambling while he was at his bachelor party this past weekend and shared some stories from my trip so far. He wrote back, of course, and we exchanged a bunch of emails all day. I was telling him a cute story about my friend's 2 year old from the day before and he wrote "It seems like you have a bunch of 2 year olds in your life...hum, interesting". To which my response was that our friends were just in different stages of their lives - that most of my friends already had their 2nd kid or would by next year! I also told him I was surrounded by 2 year olds and it makes me realize how much I love them and look forward to little me's =) Might as well be honest, right?!
Tuesday - April 15th:
Emails continued back and forth. In one of my emails, I called him "dude" and he was like what? I asked him if he preferred "bud" (my subtle, stupid way of hinting...something?). His answer was "king, you can call me that" - haha, right. Then I told him, in all seriousness, that he didn't have to write back to my emails - that I was writing to him because I felt like it and he could write when/if he wanted to. He said I was making him feel bad (not sure if he really meant that but I (think I) meant what I said). Anyway he did end up writing me a pretty long email later in the day - it was actually really nice to get a long email and he caught me up on some stuff going on in his life and ended it with "more to come later" - yes, stupid little things like that make me happy because I read into everything. I was really happy for him (something he wrote me about) and used that as a reason to call him - got his voicemail and left a message. Then emailed a pretty long email back to his from earlier in the day...
Wednesday - April 16th:
One of his emails to me that morning started with "Hey Babe" --- I don't get that often, but when I do I just love it!!! I feel like whenever he uses "babe" with me, its a day that he's really into me. I emailed him later to kick ass in his pool game at night to which I got another "Thanks Babe". Wow, 2 in one day! We actually talked that night on the phone for an hour (at $1/minute!). He was a little drunk, and talking a mile a minute! It was cute, he was excitedly telling me about his pool game and he even wore this t-shirt I had given him to the game. Now I am REALLY thinking he's into me today - yeah!! Why can't everyday be like this?! Hmm. And then he goes on to tell me details about the bachelor party he went to the weekend before - let's just say one of his best friends, his name for our purposes, and in my head, is "Hefner". I mean everytime I hear stories about Hefner he is just partying it up (you can make your own conclusions based on the name I am giving him). So yeah, not thrilled this is who Eagle hangs out with all the time - people usually aren't too different than their closest friends. Eagle did end up hanging out with his family on Sunday and sounded so happy about it - that part I love about him - the family side of him. Anyway after he was done telling me all his stories, I caught him up on what was new with me - it was a really nice conversation actually, both of us really animated. I told him I was going to be in NJ on Monday for work and asked if he wanted to get together for dinner - he had plans but said he would change them (yeah - afterall I kinda made this meeting happen in his area because I wanted to see him).
After we got off the phone, in the middle of the night, I sent him another really long email. I guess I was just thinking how much he loves to party (still) and how much I want to settle down. So my email - I told him I realize that he told me he was really busy this month (all weekends in April) and that we still have seen each other only because I happen to be in his area (which between us, I never really happened to be in his area but made it a point be there). I went on to tell him how I thought last Wednesday when I went to his pool game with him was once of the nicest times I've had with him in some time - and that all the butterflies going crazy in my stomach made me realize that even though I wasn't attached to the idea of "us" anymore, how much I really do like him. I then went on to tell him the truth was though that even if by some miracle he wanted us to be togehter exclusively, my answer to him today would be no. I told him this quote someone shared with me "Never make someone a priority in your life when you are only an option in theirs" and told him if he really wanted to be with me, it would take a hell of a lot to convince me - because at this point I just don't believe it. I told him everyday I realize how much we want different things in my life and that I'm starting to get that others want what I want too (my again, subtle, stupid way of telling him I was seeing other people). I did go on to say that the shitty part of the whole thing is that I do feel like he & I complete each other but its all about timing. So the email went on, said some stuff about how much I love having him in my life and the thought of him not in it made me really sad and that I wish we could have talked more but since we couldn't I was just babbling away in this email about this strange relationship we had - intricate and baffling as it is. I signed it "your #1 fan" which is sometimes what I tell him I am (started using it when he was nervous about interviewing for a job and every once in awhile I throw it out there - this time I did because I felt like I had said some heavy stuff and wanted to balance it by letting him know I still like him).
So that was it - I felt good when I went to bed - realizing that maybe, just maybe, Eagle & I are in two different places and somehow all of this was going to make it easier for me to move on...
Thursday - April 17th:
He emailed me back. He said it was nice (or a bit crazy in a good way) for me to write all this in the middle of the night. He said I was right - things progressed because of me and in spite of him - that we would email/text/talk more sporadically if it wasn't for me. He then said he had instantaneously changed his plans for Monday to have dinner with me because I was going to be in town - he said if I had been more local he wouldn't have. (hmmm, ok not liking that part!!) He said he didnt want any of this to be a point of contention (not really sure what he meant by that) but that he was really busy and if I hadn't noticed, I was even busier! He went on to say that he's not great at phone or email but has put in his best effort. He said making an effort with so many distractions (all the other things he has going on in his life) makes him realize how much he really enjoys having me in his life too. He ended it by saying "though the 'question' of where is this baffling/strange relationship going will need to be addressed...I guess when there is time" and he said maybe this was something for conversation on Monday. And that we also needed to chat about the "#1 fan" thing at some point too.
Okay - so wasn't really sure what to make of any of that?! I wrote back saying that I did appreciate all the effort he makes (phone/emails/changing plans) and that he & I both wouldn't be doing this for "just anyone". I told him I also wasn't sure what we needed to talk about - I thought it was clear that if something came of this, great, if not - no harm done. And that I was sad if what he meant was that we shouldn't be such a big part of each other's lives anymore.
He responded not be sad - that he didn't think we would ever be out of each other's lives - that we were too similar, in an odd sort of way. He also said he would not be the one asking where this was going because its not his personality (ummm, hello....is it me or did he not just say we would have to address it at some point?!). Anyway he told me not be sad, just happy.
Man, I am all kinds of confused! Wed night I was feeling confident, that maybe this wasn't for me. But now that Eagle is being all wierd, that just makes me want him (to want me)! Soooo...we talk again on Thursday night. It was really late actually, I told him I was dying to share something with him (my excuse to talk to him, to make sure everything was okay between us). I told him how I found out that day that they were going to offer me a 4 month position in India at work - he was like wow, that's awesome! I told him I couldn't take it - that I had different priorities right now and career wasn't #1. He kind of told me I was giving up an opportunity of a lifetime (especially since this is something I have wanted) - I told him it was all timing, if this had been next year, I would take it. He said why - why next year is it ok? I said because by then things will be different. And then I was like hey - you are suppose to be my supportive friend! So he was like look, its actually quite noble that you know what you want and where your priorities are. Hmmm, ok. Anyway we talked for over an hour - and I don't know - after we talked about the work stuff - everything else - either he was really tired or something was just off. He told me he hadn't had a great day at work and had some other stuff he was dealing with. So stupid me, who knows better, was like hey - why don't you like that I say I'm your #1 fan? He was like we'll talk about all this later. When I asked again he said look, its just me, okay? Hmm....WHAT does that mean?!! When we got off the phone - like I said, not sure if he was just really tired (it was 2am!) or if its more? I'm thinking its more =(
I don't get it - until Wednesday night, things were so great?!! At least I thought so - and yes, "great" meaning "fine" - not that anything was moving/progressing...But I'm glad I sent that email late Wed night - I had to be honest, right?!!
Friday - April 18th:
I was leaving to come back to the states. I sent Eagle an email in the early morning and thanked him for staying on the phone so late even though he was so tired.
When I got back home, I found out that upper management wants to meet with me first thing Monday morning about the India position -yikes! So I used this, again, as an excuse to call him. I know what you are all thinking - girl, stop it!!!!! I know, I know. So I called him at work and he picked up the phone, laughing at something. I told him what was going on, we talked for like 2 minutes and I kinda felt this wierd vibe so I got off the phone.
Eagle & Hefner are going out of town for the weekend for a friend's birthday. They are going to stop by a casino on their way (yes, Hefner's idea - but of course Eagle was all over it). I thought if things were "okay" he would text me from the casino to tell me how much he's up or down - like he has everytime over the past few months. But no text. Hmmm...I'm thinking he needs some space. Fine - no more contact from me this weekend.
Saturday, April 19th:
I had the wierdest dream last night about Eagle - that he had invited me over his house. His mom and family were all being really nice to me and he basically ignored me. At one point he even said "I don't need a wifey around" and I was like I'm not trying to be your wife. Then he later comes and tells me that he knows he hasn't been really nice to me and he was sorry.
Interesting. I think between my email that basically said I really want different things in my life right now and letting him know I wasn't going to take the India position because my personal life was my first priority - has maybe also put things in perspective for him? Maybe its all scared him? I'm glad I was so honest, come what may. But why, then, am I so sad today =(
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