A Hard Day Got Even Harder

So the morning started off with the news about the cousin getting engaged...and the evening ended with going to Eagle's town for dinner! Don't ask how or why...its just where the restaurant was chosen, people coming in from different places and it was central location. In my entire life, we haven't gone to this town for dinner...yet today, it's where we ended up.

Every memory I have of that place is linked to Eagle - I only know it as his town. We've hung out at his place there, walked around there, eaten at restaurants around there, driven around there, he's shown me properties he owns around there. I kept wondering if I was going to run into him. Silly as it sounds, I even changed into this cute dress I bought today just in case I ran into him (at the very least I wanted to make sure I looked good).

My mom was in the car with me. As we pulled into the town, she asked me about Eagle, if I had heard from him. I told her no, that I wouldn't since I asked him not to contact me (well I didn't exactly say that to him but you know what I mean). And she was like so he just used you and now doesn't even call. He always wanted to go places with you and now nothing. I told her I didnt feel used, he had said from the beginning he wasn't serious about just us being together. But he was already on my mind, and now we were talking about him - ugh.

When we were at the restaurant, every single time the door opened my eyes darted to it, I think I may have even subconsicously held my breath. My two year old neice wanted to go outside every once in awhile and I took her - my eyes were constantly searching around me to see if he was nearby.

As we were leaving, everyone was talking about how nice this town was becoming. I said this is where I might end up living if I find a new job in that area. Few more months still until that could happen and I have to believe that I won't be so anxious anymore about running into Eagle, especially if the area becomes my home too. Though I am sure initially it will be on my mind, how could it not?

I know, its only been two weeks, and as hard as I am trying to move on and meet other people, enough time has not gone by for all of this not to affect me the way it did. I don't know if I left disappointed that I didn't run into him. But I definetly have left with a heavier heart.

What a day :(

Good News...That Feels Bad...

We got the message this morning...another cousin in India, engaged. This one should make me happy - she's 5 or 6 years younger than me, and has been "looking" for almost as long as I have. So I know exactly how she's been feeling, I know how depressed she's gotten at times - not finding anyone she likes, guys rejecting her, the disappointment and stress her parents feel. So I should be super happy for her, right? I should be...and I will be...once the pit in my stomach is gone, once that feeling of "and here I am, still alone" subsides.

Maybe arranged marriages aren't so bad, at least she'll be a "Mrs." in just one month's time. I can only imagine the bliss that she's feeling right now, how happy her parents must be. While we are all happy for her, I can't avoid the sadness in my own mom's eyes, wondering when she'll be able to share news like this about her own daughter.

I might actually be in India for work during the time of the wedding. That part makes me sigh out loud - another wedding, another room full of people wondering why I am still single, what is wrong with me, asking me when its going to be my turn. I dread it. I almost wish the dates of my trip don't conicide with the wedding - how awful is that?! I wish more than anything that I could be jumping up and down in joy for my cousin right now, excited that I will be able to attend her wedding....because if the situation was reversed, I know she would do that for me.

Of course I will go to her wedding if I am there, and be super happy for her because she truly deserves it - I only know too well what these last few years have been like for her. She is an amazing person and has a bigger heart than most people I know, I truly am happy that she has found happiness. I have to have hope that one day I, and my family, will get to experience the joy she is feeling right now. To know that things will finally work out.

But today, for one day, I am sad for me.

Date With Mr. New Jersey

Tonight I had a date with Mr. New Jersey. I actually thought he was kinda cute in his picture, in a dorky sort of way because of his glasses...and for once, I was looking forward to meeting someone! We had chatted online twice, both times the conversation good. And when I called him to finalize when we were meeting, my voice even got squeaky and I realized I was nervous. All good signs :)

He came to pick me up at my place, very nice. His beamer wasn't so bad either :) (oh, by the way, i completely forgot to bring shoes for my date - but I improvised with shoes i usually wear with indian clothes! these things only seem to happen to me!) He got out of the car and shook my hand and said nice to meet you. A gentleman (though I'm a total hugger, but this was nice). First thing I noticed was his smile, very nice. He's 2-3 years younger than me, 6 feet tall and pretty slim/thin (yes, that makes me even fatter but we'll just let that go for now). He told me he was thinking minature golf and dinner...but it started to rain as we were driving so we had to scratch the mini golf. We had about a 45 minute drive so we talked a lot in the car. I asked him about his car and how I've been trying to figure out what I want...and he told me how he ordered his car and went to Germany to pick it up - how cool is that! He grew up in India but has been in the U.S. since high school - in fact, we went to the same high school, what a small world! I asked him if he missed India and would he go back...and he said maybe, staying here or moving there both had its pro's and con's - biggest pro of going back is that his family is all there. Hmmm....this is one of the main reasons I don't really talk to guys from India - they always want to go back and honestly, I just can't see myself settling there. But I decided to keep an open mind for the rest of the night, you never know.

Dinner was nice. We decided to sit outside under a tent while it was raining - I've never done that before, it actually created a nice ambiance. Conversation was good the entire time, no awkward moments. I don't know if there were any sparks right off the bat, but I did find him to be good looking and I remember thinking to myself that this would be a guy I could see myself going out with again. Here is a guy who seems like a true decent human being.

After dinner we went to a bar. It was raining out and my magenta umbrella was so tiny that it only covered half of the both of us! This led to frizzy crazy hair, but I guess it wasn't horrific. We talked about our travels and he told me how he went bunjee jumping in Costa Rica and how he's been sky diving and enjoys rafting and skiing. He's on a volleyball league - pretty cool, I like active guys. And then we got into this conversation about which is better - NJ or NY. He kept saying that he didn't think NJ was all that great but felt the need to counter every point I made about how great NY was. So I started calling him Mr. New Jersey as a joke...and thus his name.

On the drive home he asked if I wanted to go out anywhere else. Our date had already lasted 5 hours so I guess that's a good sign that he's interested? Neither of us actually said anything about getting together another time when I got out of the car - I thanked him for dinner and he said it was nice meeting me. We had the awkward hug that people sitting in cars exchange and then he waited until I got in the house before driving away. So I guess we will see!

I wouldn't be 100% honest if I didn't admit that Eagle crossed my mind more than once tonight. I guess its only human - to compare. But I did my best to leave it out of the above. And hopefully the comparisons will decrease with time. And only time will tell if Mr. New Jersey and I have sparks and how I feel about the whole India thing and if this could go somewhere...

In the meantime, I am talking to a few other guys as well - so stay tuned for more dates to hopefully come soon :)

In Withdrawal (The End of Eagle)

The day after I posted my last blog, I cried all the way to work. At first, I didn't understand why I was crying. And then I realized, I had to say goodbye to Eagle, goodbye to my best friend. This one sided love affair couldn't go on anymore. As I sat at my desk, I continued to cry. This was going to be a lot harder than even I had imagined. I did it fast, as quick as I could - I emailed him - I told him that the truth was that I was in love with my best friend, and I had to walk away. We have spent 6 months talking to each other for hours practically every night, and it had become that my days didn't feel complete until I had spoken to him...and I let him know as much. I thanked him for the past 6 months and thanked God for bringing so much joy into my life. I didn't get a response to my email, nor have I heard from him since...but I guess I didn't expect to.

So cold turkey - just like that - it was over. The "withdrawal" phase has not been easy. Breaking up with someone is one thing...having to let go of someone that had become like your best friend, that's a whole different ball game. After that first day, I haven't cried over it. That doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt like hell sometimes.

The practical side of me is really starting to realize that Eagle is not the type of guy I want to end up with and its good that this happened - he is such a charmer and I don't really trust him, in fact I know I would always have issues trusting him. He's a player. And I got played. Simple as that. Players are always honest - tell you exactly what they think, how many people they are seeing...and yet because they are so good at what they do, they do all of this in a manner that still makes you feel special and want to stick around because maybe, just maybe, you'll be that girl he really wants to be with. And that's where it gets complicated...because the practical side of me knows this is for the best...and the emotional side of me misses the attention he gave me and the way we just laughed together all the time. Most of all, I miss the friendship, a lot. But I know underneath the friendship that I miss, I always wanted more. And more is never going to happen. So I keep trying to tell myself that any guy I like, that likes me back - we'll have that kind of friendship, except it will actually mean something, it will be even better than what I had with Eagle. Because with Eagle there is no trust.

Part of me wonders if one day he'll realize what we had, will he ever approach me? I pray that if that ever happens, I am in a happy place with someone else so that I don't ever forget how much I don't trust him and get caught up in the moment. But for that, I have this blog to remind me, and all my close friends that will never let it happen. Because the way we get along and the way he makes me laugh would be so tempting to go back to...but the way he made me feel like I was never good enough, or all the insecurities he brought out in me - that is not something I want with me forever after. There absolutely can be no more Eagles in my life.

This is the last weekend of my knowing what Eagle has going on in his life, after this I have no idea what he has planned on his weekends or weekdays. Sure, I have been obsessively checking to see if he's logged into the dating site - gives me little insights into what he's doing. But even that has slowed down these past few days...and I am sure eventually it will stop 100%. We might be going to his town, or near his town, for dinner on Father's Day and I keep wondering if I will run into him. So what if I do? It will be awkward, it will probably even hurt, I'll just have to give a quick smile...and life will go on.

Life always has to go on. It's been years of trying to find someone, years of initial joy thinking this one could be it, years of heartbreaks. Sometimes I think I can't take anymore or that I am going to break. But I have to have faith that all this will be worth it - that this journey I am on is going to be overshadowed one day by the happiness that is waiting for me. Life always has to go on, and so I am moving along, slowly but surely...

Completely Heartbroken

Funny how a day, an hour, sometimes even just a minute changes everything.

For days now I have been wanting to share updates on Eagle and as I sit here to write this now I realize how what I would have written even 3 hours ago would have been so different than what I am about to write now.

You see, I was going to provide an update on everything that has been going on with Eagle...the conversations we have had, the times we've hung out since the last time I wrote, all the details that suddenly don't mean anything. He got laid off work 2 weeks ago, I was one of the first people he called. I sent him flowers and signed it 'With Love From Your BFF' and he loved them. He gave me a lot of attention that whole week, and I read into every piece of it. He & I went to Atlantic City one night - spent almost 8 hours together - and I walked away feeling even more special. Turns out an an aunty we know is his dad's first cousin and she called my dad and his dad to hook us up. I loved every moment of it. So the past 2 weeks, while I was verbally saying I am okay with Eagle being my MOH and my BFF, in my heart I was hoping for more. Always have been.

And then our conversation happened tonight. He went to this wedding this past weekend that was in a castle - its my dream to get married in a castle one day. So he called to tell me about it. He was asking how my weekend was and I told him about my date, without saying I was on a date - but he knew and asked me all kinds of questions. Then he was telling me what he did today and it totally sounded like a date to me but I didn't ask him who he was with. We were talking about dating and I asked him about one of his ex's and he told me how much he had pursued her and how tight they were and then how it didnt work out. This was the perfect opening for me to bring us up....so I asked him why he felt like we never worked out. He said he was always borderline but not sure - that we got along so well but that was it. I asked him if something was missing and he said yeah, something. I asked what and he said he didn't know and that he wanted to figure out what changed, that it would give him closure. I told him I think I know when it changed and he asked me not to tell him, that he wanted to think about it and come up with it himself. He said we both got to the same place - that even I realized this wasn't going anywhere. It hurt to hear him say so clearly that this wasn't going anywhere but I wanted to be very clear - I told him things changed for me because I got frustrated with never getting an answer from him. We talked about it a little but overall he was really being kind of quiet.

Then it happened. He told me he was thinking...about this girl. He's been dating her for the past 3 weeks and thought they really clicked and liked each other. He told me how he had pursued her and thought things were going well. He told me that over dinner tonight she told him that the only reason she was seeing him was because she knew she was moving in 3 weeks. He said he was taking it all in, he didn't know what that meant and how was he suppose to act next time he saw her. I mean he really sounded like he liked this girl!! And here I had been, feeling special, thinking maybe, just maybe, he liked me. What this girl had said was really affecting him. He said she had called three times since he was on the phone with me. And that tonight was the first time he didn't walk her to her apartment so she knew something was up. And he said that sometimes you just need that kick in the ass - you go around breaking hearts and then when it happens to you...when you are on the receiving end....

Okay wow. I was so taken aback. Floored. I started telling him that that is how I felt - that he may not have noticed but lately I haven't been calling him a lot or texting him....that I had really liked him and wished he would have told me sooner how he had felt. I said a lot, my voice was even kind of shaking, but I don't think I got my point across. I was one second away from telling him I don't think we should talk anymore....and instead I ended it telling him I was glad we ended up where we were and not to be sad about this other girl. All the while, my heart was breaking. I don't think he ever liked me the way he likes this girl....and here I was, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him. I have sat here thinking about him everyday, reading into every text and every contact....and he's been out dating someone else, clicking with her, falling for her. I am such an idiot. The tears are in my eyes and I can't even get them to fall - I think even they are stunned by my reality. God, I just can't believe it - I can't believe the time I have spent thinking of him, wanting him....and the whole time he was into someone else.

I can't even write anymore, I don't know what else to say. All that keeps playing over and over in my head is that song that they play on the radio - God how true the words of "Bleeding Love" are for me, its what I am doing at this very moment - bleeding love. How am I going to get through this? How??

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love