Will I Really Be Last?!

It's the only thing I can think of...will I really be last? On my mom's side of the family, I am the oldest amongst my cousins. My younger brother was the first to get married (his 6 year anniversary is approaching - I can't believe it - every year of their anniversary is a reminder to me of how many years have gone by that I have been single). Then a couple of my cousins followed. I looked at who was left amongst all of my cousins and figured with the age gaps - the next cousins being more than 5 years younger than me, I HAD to be next. I kept thinking please, please let me be next.

Well 3 of the 4 cousins that are still single are all in their mid to late 20's and guess what? They aren't so young anymore. Some are dating someone seriously, some are dating, and some who knows. All I know is that it is likely that there may be weddings before mine. The likelihood of that for some reason gives me that pit in your stomach feeling. Will I really be last?! Will I be big enough to put my personal feelings aside, once again, to be happy for those that mean so much to me in my life and truly and selflessly be able to celebrate with them? Will I be able to smile for them and get away without anyone noticing the sadness in my own eyes?

My hormones are on overdrive at the moment (gotta love being a woman) so I know that all of this may not hold 100% true a week from now. But for some reason tonight, right now, I can't stop wondering if I will be last. Why me? I feel like I'm a good person and aren't good things suppose to happen to good people? I know every once in awhile (sometimes more than I'd like) I get really angry at people or yell in situations where even I realize it wasn't necessary. Sometimes its just frustration with life finding its way out and I feel so bad/guilty afterwards because I know it stems from the feeling of a lack of control. But for the most part, on most days, I think I'm a good person that tries really hard with my family and close friends. So why me? I don't want to be last. I've waited so long, wanted for so long. I've gone to everyone's weddings and house warmings and baby showers and first birthday parties and gotten excited about 2nd pregnancies - its time - I want to be next. I don't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of missing out on the life that everyone around me seems to enjoy so effortlessly. I have so much love to give. So much. So tell me, why has it been so hard? When am I finally going to find someone who will love me?