My Epiphany

I am the center of my world (as are most people probably, but me perhaps a little moreso) and I need someone else's world to revolve around me too, even if just a portion of it. In order for this to ever happen, I need to find "my person", and even though I dont know who he is or where he is, sometimes I really miss him. Especially when I'm feeling alone.

A few months ago I found out I was going to need surgery. Nothing life-threatening, but I've never had surgery before and there were moments when I was really scared and felt like I had no one to talk to. There was one night in particular when I first found out that I remember being home by myself and just curling up on the sofa and feeling so alone, wishing I had a boyfriend or husband who was going to listen to every little thought running through my head, who was going to care as much as I cared about my fears. My friends were great - when they knew I really needed to talk, they let their kids whine and cry in the background and told me to just keep on talking. It was super sweet of them to listen, and I learned to keep talking through screams for mommy's attention. But I didnt have my "own person" who I could just turn to in any given moment, at any time of the day or night, that was available when I needed to talk - and I missed it a lot at that time.

I had my surgery last week, and thank God, everything is fine and this past week I have been home recovering. And now here I am again today, missing "my person". People always say not to have expectations because when you do, you just get disappointed. Maybe I shouldn't have them but in the back of my head I know I have expectations of those close to me because I feel like I always make an effort to be there for them. But that is my choice, I can't expect that from them, not now, not when everyone's lives have gotten so busy with their own families. In my head I know that, its my heart that sometimes takes time to catch up. I haven't had an engagement party or a wedding or baby shower or my kid's first birthday party. And even though its not a good one, this was a "major" event in my life - and I thought all those close to me would come visit me or at least send a card to say "Get Well Soon" - something, anything. And not just my close Indian friends, my American friends too. Don't get me wrong - everyone close to me has called multiple times to check in on me and see how I'm doing and that has meant so much to me. My parents haven't left me alone for a minute. One friend drove over an hour to come visit and one cousin's family came. It felt so nice to have them over. Maybe more people will stop by this weekend because it is a weekend and its easier, who knows. Part of me doesn't care anymore - its not like anyone proactively called to say they wanted to come by this weekend. I sound mad, don't I? I am mad - I'm mad at myself for expecting it, not from any one person, but worse - from everyone. Maybe its because multiple people told me they were coming by, and they didn't show. Maybe I'm just disappointed. Maybe all my meds just have me super emotional. Why can't the fact that people call me to check in on me be enough? The fact that they are thinking of me and taking time to call and get updates - showing that they care, thats whats important - I am the one being selfish, wanting more. I guess this was such a traumatic experience for me that I felt like I needed that little bit of extra in-person attention. It's why right now, I am mad. I am mad I being like this. I am mad I am making this an issue, even if just to myself. I am mad that "my person" is not here. Maybe if I had that person who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me - if he was here, I wouldn't feel like I needed anyone else. He, and the family that we would build, along with my immediate family, would be enough.

As for now, I need to get over myself. Just because my world revolves around me, doesn't mean anyone else's does. And its not going to, not until 'my person' finally surfaces. My epiphany? It happened as I was writing this - even though its been a fact for awhile, I'm finally getting that everyone else has their own families that their world revolves around. My friends and I, at one point in our lives, our worlds did completely mesh. While unfortunately things haven't moved on for me, they have for everyone around me. I finally, finally get what that sometimes will translate into. And now that I get it, its not so bad. I am so grateful for the family and friends I do have, the people who mean so much to me. And judging by the number of people that keep checking in on me, whether they stop by or not, I know that I mean just as much to them.

Epiphanies are a good thing. Mine has really helped put things into perspective for me and helped me realize where the value in something truly lies.