"Eagle" In My Heart & On My Mind

Eagle is a year younger than me and has been in my life for about 5 months. And to my dismay, no he is not my boyfriend. You see, he tells me he likes me and I really like him - but he's not ready for a commitment. The 2 times I have brought "us" up, he tells me to exhaust my options, that someday he'll be ready to settle down but this is not that time. Okay, okay I know --- settling down/being married/having a family is exactly what I want --- so what the hell am I sticking around for, right?

The reality is I fell in love with him. I haven't admitted that - not even to myself - until right now. It happened in the first 2 months, hit me really hard. Especially considering just a few months before I met him I had just come out of a one-year relationship. So the walls had been up - actually it was more like I had a fort built around me. So how it happened still escapes me.

We are so alike - Eagle & I - sometimes its almost like we're the same person. We make each other laugh all the time, our families and backgrounds are really similar, and most importantly - we really get each other. I mean, really get each other. We talk so much everyday that we're connected on so many details of our lives. He's become my best friend. And I can picture us "happily ever after" - add all that together along with how I feel and hopefully you can understand why I can't just let go.

We've had some wonderful dates/weekends together. I won't go into them now, just take my word for it. Tonight I met him after work - he plays pool in a league and I have heard so much about it from him that I wanted to go watch him play.

I don't know why I was nervous on my way there - maybe because last week I told him that I was finally where he was - that I wasn't going to ask to spend time together anymore - that we'll just see what happens, when and if it happens. Yeah, I meant it, or at least really wanted to mean it - to not care so much. Regardless I had butterflies.

The fact that he called me a few times on my way there made me think he was excited to see me too, I could hear it in his voice. He told me he wanted to do dinner with me before or after the game - he hasn't "wanted" to do anything in a few weeks so it was really nice to hear! I got there around 8pm, met the guys he plays with and basically hung out until 12:30am when the game finally ended. We were kinda flirting with each other the whole time, it was really cute. Everytime his leg brushed mine or he jokingly poked me, the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy. It's funny - I haven't felt like that with him since the first few times we were together, I was surprised - and thrilled because I felt like he felt it too. He won his match - and yes, he is really good - which only made him more appealing. When we walked out of the bar he put his arm around me and everything just felt so right.

We were starving so we grabbed some pizza. Instead of sitting across each other, we sat next to each other in the booth (it was so cute) and joked around and talked about a lot of things. We are really comfortable with each other and its an amazing feeling to have that with someone. I then drove him to his car and before he got out we shared the sweetest kiss we've shared in some time. Just thinking about it brings those butterflies back.

So this is my Eagle. The guy all my friends are telling me to walk away from because they think he's going to end up breaking my heart. The guy they want me to leave behind because having him around is keeping me from seriously concentrating on anyone else. The guy they keep telling me I am wasting my time with. But this is the same guy I can't imagine not having in my life. However, this is the guy I also know I have to slowly, somehow, start disengaging from. Because in my mind I know if after all these months, no matter how great its been, if he's still not ready to be in a committed relationship with me, what's the chance he ever will be? But in my heart, which currently is ruling over my mind, I hold onto that hope.

I am trying, really really hard, to follow my mind and not my heart. So I have 2 more dates lined up for this week....