My Addiction

Last Sunday I proudly, confidently proclaimed that I was okay with Eagle just being my friend. Yes, I believed it 100%...when I said it...

So this is how this week has played out:

Monday
I talked to Eagle at night, as usual, with this new profound feeling of wow, its nice to have a guy "best friend". We talked for a long time and I mentioned that I was going to be in his city the next day for work....he didn't say anything about meeting up - and neither did I (so proud of me!)

Tuesday
Gave in - ended up asking Eagle if he wanted to get together, which of course he said yes (he usually always says yes). When I was done with my meetings I called him and the way he was willing to leave work and hang out with me was such a nice feeling. Made me feel special - he's really good at that - making me feel special. We hung out for a few hours - people watched, walked around, did some fun things. While we were together, three times he was on the phone - twice with this one girl, and then the 3rd time with another girl. Making plans with both of them for dinner - one for tonight and one for the next night. Using that sweet voice that guys sometimes use. They could have been friends or they could have been dates - I have no idea, I'm assuming the second one based on the sweet voice. Things he said, and things he knew about their schedules made me suddenly realize how special I am not. I'm just "one of the girls" - if even that.

I went through a rollar coaster of emotions in the 3 hours we were together. And on my way home, talked to one of my best friends who said Everyday you spend with him, is one more day you are further away from meeting the guy you are suppose to be with. Damn. So true. So that night I didn't call him. Sure, I knew he was going out to dinner but still, I could have called really late as I usually do - but I didn't. Suddenly, I'm not so special.

Wednesday
It was a very hard day!! I didn't text him or call him at all. And guess what - he didn't text or call me either :( I knew he was going out to dinner again that night - and I started thinking about how much time I am spending thinking of him and he's out having a good time, not giving me a second thought.

Thursday
It only got harder. And really depressing! No emails, text, or calls from me. And you guessed it - none from him either. The really hard part to deal with is that I really thought we had a real friendship underneath it all - that even for that he would have reached out to say hi. He told me once - that we are where we are because of me and despite of him. So true. We are in constant contact with each other because I always initiate it - always. So that was the hardest part to deal with today - realizing that everything we "have" is 100% only because of me. And that if I stopped, would we have anything?

Friday
I gave in. So pathetic - considering everything I just shared! But I am only human - think of him as an addiction, because that is really what he is. And I stayed away for 3 nights - its a good start, right?

I called him at work around noon - no answer. Then I texted him asking if he was at work (I remember him maybe saying he was going to take the day off) - no reply. Then I called him on his cell phone awhile later - he picked up with a "hey what's going on babe" ---- and it was like instant gratification and I instantly felt good again. SO STUPID - I KNOW!! But it's exactly how addicts must feel when they give in to whatever they are addicted to. He was telling me how he took the day off, was in the car with his brother - they had just gone to their aunt's place to give her a mother's day card and hang out with her - and then he was like see, i'm a really nice guy. (Sometimes he really is - but not right for me). He was going to another bachelor party this weekend and told me he was going to leave in 2-3 hours. Then his brother was talking to him and he was like let me call you back.

Three hours later - I call him back. You are going to kill me right about now, aren't you? I just didn't get my "fix" for the day and I knew he was leaving soon so I don't know - I just had to call. I got his voicemail (which actually I was kinda hoping for) and left him a message about this joke we shared in relation to where he was going. I wasn't expecting a call back, there really wasn't anything to talk about. Two minutes later, he called - he was in the car with 3 other guys. I remember thinking it was nice that he called and talked to me with other guys in the car....and then I wondered if he called because it made him look "cool" in front of his friends. Either way, we only talked for 3 minutes...while this conversation about hookers was going on in the background. Okay then! We were getting off the phone and I yelled "Good Luck" (re: winning in gambling) really loud - and then felt like the biggest idiot in the world realizing everyone in the car probably heard me. I was so embarassed - the whole thing just made me feel ultra stupid. Guess it all goes back to what I said last weekend - being around him just brings out all my insecurities. Ugh.

That's the update on this week. Eagle probably never realized I didn't even call him - or if he did, he was totally fine with it. He's my addiction and I need to ween myself off of him. Everyday I spend with him or thinking of him is one more day I am further away from meeting the guy I am suppose to be with, right? I keep saying I want to be friends with him - and in my heart I really do - but then I can't be bothered if there are other women - and no one can make that switch over night.

He usually texts me when he's gambling, letting me know how he's doing - maybe he will this weekend, maybe he won't. If I was honest, I guess I would like him to. But I can't be disappointed if he won't. And all I keep telling myself is that his best bud Hefner is with him again...and that can only mean bad news. I am telling myself this over and over and over - because at the end of the day, Eagle is NOT the kind of guy I want to end up with.

I will not be initiating anymore contact this weekend, especially not as stupid as I feel - that's a promise.