Trying So Hard To Move On...

It's been a while since I've posted an update, I do have dates I need to write about...but today, I just wanted to share that I am really, really trying to move on - but its not as easy as I wish it would be. Time heals all, I know that, but time seems to be going so slowly.

I don't talk about Eagle anymore, and I ask others not to talk about him either. But in the moments of silence, when I am alone with my thoughts, he crosses my mind often - sometimes the smallest things trigger his memory and the pain of that loss is still very deep and I constantly find myself holding back tears. Tonight I remembered a link he had sent me to his online photos when we first met, and I found that link and clicked on it...and saw two new albums posted with pictures from his summer. I clicked on the link and felt this pang in my heart - I sat here and looked at the pictures, wanting to smile, trying hard not to get upset. I signed up for updates so I can see the next album he posts. I know I shouldn't have done that - the pain is too real still, I am going to delete the update request as soon as I am done writing this. It's just that never in my life have I had a best friend like him before - not even with guys I've dated or that were my boyfriend. I am sure those feelings were magnified because I fell in love with him. Do I ever cross Eagle's mind? Does he wonder how I am doing? Does he feel my loss the way I feel his?

I pray, I really do, that all these guys I am talking to and meeting right now - that one of them will show me that I just think Eagle was my best friend. I want someone to show me that I have it all wrong. That I don't even know what the meaning of best friend is until I experience it with him. God, I hope this happens. It has to happen - Eagle cannot be the ultimate 'best friend' experience I am suppose to have!

It's only been about 6 weeks, so its not surprising that its all still so fresh and painful - but I am doing everything in my power to try and meet someone else and refocus my attention and energy. Everyone that knows me well knows I am the ultimate optimist - I must be to still believe in love, even after all my experiences. But sometimes its just hard to keep that smile on my face when my heart is so full of disappointment...