In Withdrawal (The End of Eagle)

The day after I posted my last blog, I cried all the way to work. At first, I didn't understand why I was crying. And then I realized, I had to say goodbye to Eagle, goodbye to my best friend. This one sided love affair couldn't go on anymore. As I sat at my desk, I continued to cry. This was going to be a lot harder than even I had imagined. I did it fast, as quick as I could - I emailed him - I told him that the truth was that I was in love with my best friend, and I had to walk away. We have spent 6 months talking to each other for hours practically every night, and it had become that my days didn't feel complete until I had spoken to him...and I let him know as much. I thanked him for the past 6 months and thanked God for bringing so much joy into my life. I didn't get a response to my email, nor have I heard from him since...but I guess I didn't expect to.

So cold turkey - just like that - it was over. The "withdrawal" phase has not been easy. Breaking up with someone is one thing...having to let go of someone that had become like your best friend, that's a whole different ball game. After that first day, I haven't cried over it. That doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt like hell sometimes.

The practical side of me is really starting to realize that Eagle is not the type of guy I want to end up with and its good that this happened - he is such a charmer and I don't really trust him, in fact I know I would always have issues trusting him. He's a player. And I got played. Simple as that. Players are always honest - tell you exactly what they think, how many people they are seeing...and yet because they are so good at what they do, they do all of this in a manner that still makes you feel special and want to stick around because maybe, just maybe, you'll be that girl he really wants to be with. And that's where it gets complicated...because the practical side of me knows this is for the best...and the emotional side of me misses the attention he gave me and the way we just laughed together all the time. Most of all, I miss the friendship, a lot. But I know underneath the friendship that I miss, I always wanted more. And more is never going to happen. So I keep trying to tell myself that any guy I like, that likes me back - we'll have that kind of friendship, except it will actually mean something, it will be even better than what I had with Eagle. Because with Eagle there is no trust.

Part of me wonders if one day he'll realize what we had, will he ever approach me? I pray that if that ever happens, I am in a happy place with someone else so that I don't ever forget how much I don't trust him and get caught up in the moment. But for that, I have this blog to remind me, and all my close friends that will never let it happen. Because the way we get along and the way he makes me laugh would be so tempting to go back to...but the way he made me feel like I was never good enough, or all the insecurities he brought out in me - that is not something I want with me forever after. There absolutely can be no more Eagles in my life.

This is the last weekend of my knowing what Eagle has going on in his life, after this I have no idea what he has planned on his weekends or weekdays. Sure, I have been obsessively checking to see if he's logged into the dating site - gives me little insights into what he's doing. But even that has slowed down these past few days...and I am sure eventually it will stop 100%. We might be going to his town, or near his town, for dinner on Father's Day and I keep wondering if I will run into him. So what if I do? It will be awkward, it will probably even hurt, I'll just have to give a quick smile...and life will go on.

Life always has to go on. It's been years of trying to find someone, years of initial joy thinking this one could be it, years of heartbreaks. Sometimes I think I can't take anymore or that I am going to break. But I have to have faith that all this will be worth it - that this journey I am on is going to be overshadowed one day by the happiness that is waiting for me. Life always has to go on, and so I am moving along, slowly but surely...