Completely Heartbroken

Funny how a day, an hour, sometimes even just a minute changes everything.

For days now I have been wanting to share updates on Eagle and as I sit here to write this now I realize how what I would have written even 3 hours ago would have been so different than what I am about to write now.

You see, I was going to provide an update on everything that has been going on with Eagle...the conversations we have had, the times we've hung out since the last time I wrote, all the details that suddenly don't mean anything. He got laid off work 2 weeks ago, I was one of the first people he called. I sent him flowers and signed it 'With Love From Your BFF' and he loved them. He gave me a lot of attention that whole week, and I read into every piece of it. He & I went to Atlantic City one night - spent almost 8 hours together - and I walked away feeling even more special. Turns out an an aunty we know is his dad's first cousin and she called my dad and his dad to hook us up. I loved every moment of it. So the past 2 weeks, while I was verbally saying I am okay with Eagle being my MOH and my BFF, in my heart I was hoping for more. Always have been.

And then our conversation happened tonight. He went to this wedding this past weekend that was in a castle - its my dream to get married in a castle one day. So he called to tell me about it. He was asking how my weekend was and I told him about my date, without saying I was on a date - but he knew and asked me all kinds of questions. Then he was telling me what he did today and it totally sounded like a date to me but I didn't ask him who he was with. We were talking about dating and I asked him about one of his ex's and he told me how much he had pursued her and how tight they were and then how it didnt work out. This was the perfect opening for me to bring us up....so I asked him why he felt like we never worked out. He said he was always borderline but not sure - that we got along so well but that was it. I asked him if something was missing and he said yeah, something. I asked what and he said he didn't know and that he wanted to figure out what changed, that it would give him closure. I told him I think I know when it changed and he asked me not to tell him, that he wanted to think about it and come up with it himself. He said we both got to the same place - that even I realized this wasn't going anywhere. It hurt to hear him say so clearly that this wasn't going anywhere but I wanted to be very clear - I told him things changed for me because I got frustrated with never getting an answer from him. We talked about it a little but overall he was really being kind of quiet.

Then it happened. He told me he was thinking...about this girl. He's been dating her for the past 3 weeks and thought they really clicked and liked each other. He told me how he had pursued her and thought things were going well. He told me that over dinner tonight she told him that the only reason she was seeing him was because she knew she was moving in 3 weeks. He said he was taking it all in, he didn't know what that meant and how was he suppose to act next time he saw her. I mean he really sounded like he liked this girl!! And here I had been, feeling special, thinking maybe, just maybe, he liked me. What this girl had said was really affecting him. He said she had called three times since he was on the phone with me. And that tonight was the first time he didn't walk her to her apartment so she knew something was up. And he said that sometimes you just need that kick in the ass - you go around breaking hearts and then when it happens to you...when you are on the receiving end....

Okay wow. I was so taken aback. Floored. I started telling him that that is how I felt - that he may not have noticed but lately I haven't been calling him a lot or texting him....that I had really liked him and wished he would have told me sooner how he had felt. I said a lot, my voice was even kind of shaking, but I don't think I got my point across. I was one second away from telling him I don't think we should talk anymore....and instead I ended it telling him I was glad we ended up where we were and not to be sad about this other girl. All the while, my heart was breaking. I don't think he ever liked me the way he likes this girl....and here I was, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him. I have sat here thinking about him everyday, reading into every text and every contact....and he's been out dating someone else, clicking with her, falling for her. I am such an idiot. The tears are in my eyes and I can't even get them to fall - I think even they are stunned by my reality. God, I just can't believe it - I can't believe the time I have spent thinking of him, wanting him....and the whole time he was into someone else.

I can't even write anymore, I don't know what else to say. All that keeps playing over and over in my head is that song that they play on the radio - God how true the words of "Bleeding Love" are for me, its what I am doing at this very moment - bleeding love. How am I going to get through this? How??

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love